Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Surface Level

So I overanalyze things. Anyone that knows me knows this.

I have gotten better at the reaction I direct to others in accordance to the over analyzing however. Given sometimes my moments aren't perfection. Two weeks ago I smacked a guy for calling me something that wasn't respectful, although everyone else said he deserved it I find my behavior shameful and rude. Reflecting back on it who knows if I would have smacked him again.

What triggers people to suck up, jump off the deep end or slink away into the corner? Is it the environment we as people have set up for certain behaviors and thought processes to be considered overbearing, misused or flat out not necessary or is it a personal thing?

I complicate things a lot, without meaning too. Surface level speaking I'm not complicated. I can talk a lot or not at all. I can be pretty smart about some things and idiotic in other areas. I can get into that zone that it sounds like you're talking to a guy in terms of Boston baseball or college bball just as easily as I'm probably to girly for you as I'm convinced angels sing in shoe stores. This is really all pretty simplistic.

Its afterwards, when you have more then a 20 minute conversation with me that people realize there is probably more to me. I used to try to maintain I was, but …I'm not. I can't help it. I can't change that fact that something will come out of my mouth in a form of observation that surprises you. I can't help that I pay attention. I can't help that it bothers you that I can figure you out. Most times I don't think it's I've figured a person out, I think its someone simply took the time to notice you.

I've discovered you can be very very wrong about a person and the perception you have of them but that fact that you took the time to attempt it means more at times given you didn't misconstrue them to be some psychotic killer or anything. I'm wrong a lot, I say things I shouldn't, I freak out about lots of things and I can be OCD about an array of tasks.

But at the end of the day, I think we are all so much more alike that we realize. We all can stare at the mirror and think "hmm that needs some work", we all have tripped, we all have laughed, we all have become saddened when that person's hand no longer fit with our own and we all have hoped that the one we care for can't stop thinking about us as well.

What I don't get is why we all seem too scared to be complicated because the truth is I can't be simple. I've tried. It didn't suit me. Who wants to be surface level anyway?

Monday, December 18, 2006

Christmas Spirit

So Christmas spirit comes and goes for me. At my own house decorations are normally far and few between so I always relied on my parents house to be filled with the yearly Santa Clauses, Christmas lights and stockings. For the first time ever last year my mother announced we were to have a fake tree, I was not a happy girl. Given this alleviated the problem of the dog wanting to mark his territory in the house, the needles getting stuck in your house slippers and watering the thing in hopes it lasts until New Years but it changed my aspect on the 'normalcy' of what Christmas was.
This year she announced we weren't to have stockings. I pretended not to receive this text message. When I spoke with her later that evening she asked if I got it and I stated I had but was choosing to ignore it. A few days later she announced stockings would still be in place. Call me be a brat but after the fake tree incident I was putting my foot down for the stockings.
So anyway…I deal with an organization that has a mentor program for children with incarcerated parents. I attended a Christmas party last night with my mentee and her family. As you look around at all these children you find for those moments of candy cane reindeer, Christmas song charades and stars full of prayers the fact that a parent of theirs won't be spending Christmas with them is tucked back in their mind, or at least they pretend its nonexistent. My girl's grandma asked me if all these children have a parent in jail/prison. I said yes. She promptly looked at my mentee and stated "you always be thankful for your family" and my beautiful 15 yr old friend complete with a little attitude, hair dye, and heavy eye makeup stated "I am Grams, I am"

I immediately felt guilty. I am whole heartily thankful for my amazing family and friends but I often forget that the 'Christmas spirit' is more about that then fake trees, no stockings and whether someone remembers to make the chocolate pie. My eyes starting welling up with tears as I drove home thinking about the adorable little 3 yr old boy I wanted to take home. His rendition of rock around the Christmas tree will melt your heart. I wanted to know his story.

I came home and was promptly annoyed by the lack of items I had asked for earlier that day and with the response of "I forgot". As I grumbled off to Walgreen's myself, flashing thoughts of children dressed up as tissue paper Santa's, and paint filled ornaments overcame me. This humbled me completely all over again and I realized that perhaps some around me should experience what it is like to be an observer in situations like these. Where a bag full of Christmas gifts even though they could be a funky colored sweater make your day, where the choice between Italian or Ranch dressing is 'cool' and the fact that they still find some sort of happiness for the family photo being taken even while missing one.

I would have to say that kind of child like faith, strength and smile is one of the most beautiful things in the world and will change you if you have the opportunity to experience it.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006


Although the past few months have flown by with an array of tasks, situations and problems occurring life seems at somewhat of a stand still right now…in this moment.

You always hope the new year will ring in wishes come true, dreams progressing and often a few happier times. As I look back at my first year back home I realize how necessary it is to have people in your life that truly see you. I absolutely adore the handful of those in my life that mold my heart, tune my voice and tweak my moods. The obvious being my brother, my Jordan and my Flo but also included a few others that have made moments worth remembering.

This year was my transition stage. That in between time from being college student to adulthood. That stage of being unsure whether to sleep in and call in sick or having a salary paycheck with health benefits. Was the Thursday night out worth the lagging the next morning? (probably!) Although I still will be continuing school this next year, along with it comes that full time non kid job and my first closing on a house. Life happens without you looking usually, it's when you begin living it that life starts actually feeling.

When growing into yourself feels beautiful, when spending money on the impulsive plane ride to see your girls means memories and that moment when you realize that life simply wouldn't be as sweet without the broken hearts, the ear ringing music, the embarrassing moments and the hugs from those that complete your world.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

For Good

An impact…

"The effect or impression of one thing on another"

You have to wonder the impact you have on those around you. The kid that stepped in front of your car, the woman searching the labels at the grocery store, the man on the street holding out his hand.

How many people do we truly make an impact on, and at the end of the day were they more positive or negative impacts?

I'm convinced we are all intertwined. Sort of that six degrees of separation bit. That for one reason or another someone graces their presence in our life. Whether it being the drive thru man that says "God Bless You" to the gum smacker that follows you around for commission.

It all makes an imprint. An imprint in the sand that can be easily washed away or a cement imprint that takes a shatter to break. I find that you often don't realize the impact you make on others and it's only until much later you realize that even those you never thought made an impact on you.

Lately I found a handful of people on my mind, my heart and I only hope that in some sort of way I have impacted, even if for a moment. In turn they have impacted me. It's not a secret to those around me that often I have a rather cynical jaded attitude of sorts, I'm completely ashamed of this attribute most times and I found yesterday it has softened. Through another's emotions/reactions I have found that I am healing.

They have no idea of this, they have no notion of what would ever need to be healed but through our conversation I began to feel warmth, sadness, an urge of compassion that I hadn't in a long time. It was absolutely wonderful.

I think we often forget what even the tiniest things could do for another. I try my best, and my best often isn't good enough. I try again though, always.

I probably will never understand why some come into my life or why I meander into someone else's. All I know is that it's the best off roading you can do. You just never know if that impact causes you to detour or it causes them to have the motivation to move forward.

Having the strength to allow them in is the hardest part….

My heart has softened. I've been waiting so long. Thank you.

"I've heard it saidThat people come into our lives for a reasonBringing something we must learnAnd we are ledTo those who help us most to growIf we let themAnd we help them in returnWell, I don't know if I believe that's trueBut I know I'm who I am todayBecause I knew you
I have been changed for good"

Monday, November 6, 2006

The Perfect Blossom is a Rare Thing

I've been pretty overwhelmed with life's little uncertainties lately. I can't help but worry, wonder or try to over analyze…everything.

My worrisome attitude ebbs and flows constantly. At this moment I'm at peace though. Calm and collected while it rushes around me. Life is so beautifully messy it's a wonder why I tried so hard to color in the lines when I was little.

I'm still unsure about pretty much everything in my path right now but I'm learning to alleviate some of the negative focus. Spending too much time worrying, contemplating instead of doing makes your life so nonliving.

I will always worry I am built this way but each day I am also being built to be content. Not to stand for less but to embrace what I have been given. Faith that friendships with those that are real truly are a rarity and should be held onto forever, hugs from certain people make you feel more safe that you ever thought, looking inside yourself for strength can change a situation completely and faith in life is what makes things so complicated yet so unbelievably worth it.

"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."

I am humbled, blessed and amazingly thankful of the world I have been given

Saturday, October 21, 2006


I must be lacking faith.

I find that when I feel like everything is going wrong, I'm overly stressed or I say things I shouldn't be saying is when I have become selfish in my life and diverted onto a path that becomes me oriented. This is when if I stop to take a look, my faith has diminished.

Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in those around me.

I'm a control freak. It's a horrible attribute that can consume all aspects of your life. Add the fear of not succeeding plus an opinionated personality and it equals an eventual meltdown of massive proportions. Each time I rebuild myself a little differently. Depending on the outcome I build more or less opinions, build more fear or lack of fear but I never seem to change that control attribute. I am not proud of this, in fact I it is an absolute disgust really. I know I'm too independent, opinionated at times too, this frustrated people. It frustrates me that it frustrates people. It's a Catch-22. They think you can hold your own so they don't interfere, yet the reason you have become this way is because no one was ever backing you up. It's humorous how much we seek other's approval even when we don't realize it until its probably too late.

All I can figure is that I am build this way for some reason. The people I do care about, you know it. I never back down even if they are wrong. I never leave you out there alone and I always do my best to show you I love you. What I'm realizing is that to some this may never be enough. That just because you do this doesn't mean you get the same in return. I accept this and accept the consequences of my actions. I accept them due to a faith that it will all be okay. Worrying gets you no where, perhaps on your face if anywhere. Fighting gives your bruises but perhaps may solve something even if it's not the outcome you hoped for. Disrespect leaves you empty.

I'm still learning, in so many areas. Learning to trust my intellect with school. Learning to love myself even when I feel I shouldn't. Learning not to chase after the train wreck that passes you by. Learning people will surprise you in both hurtful ways and beautiful ways. Learning that I don't have a clue….and that that is okay.

That's the hardest one.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Weeding Out

Why do we always become fixated on the negative aspects of things surrounding our life? Is this due to the faith we slightly lose when we become fools in areas we should pay better attention?

All I know is myself. Compiling a list of pros and cons detailing attributes of my life, showing how truly blessed I am but no matter how small the con column is, there is it. That one thing festering. That makes the entire sheet look like a big red FAIL has been stamped upon it.

Perhaps given this much emotion behind it due to the build up of evidence. I'm mentally exhausted of being right in these terms. People state I'm too smart, if I was, I'd know how to control my feelings. I'd know when to shield sweet nothing talks that don't have behaviors that back them up.

I learned last night you have to weed out a lot before you can even catch a glimpse of what you might be looking for and even then there are no guarantees. I learned last night that even those related to you will continue to think like a guy because it is true that even after they see the repercussions of the damage, they will in fact do the same thing to someone else. I learned last night that I have some of the best girl friends in the world and I love them without a doubt wholeheartedly.

"The only man a girl can depend on is a daddy."

...I hope that's not all.

Monday, October 2, 2006


How you can lose it before you realize it's gone. Laziness, a good looking guy, or fear overpowers the picture in your head.

Over the years independence has definitely been something that has molded my decisions, choices and paths in life. But I have to admit having fewer and fewer cheerleaders on the sidelines make it more difficult to be focused on things you once only dreamed about.

I've developed this sense of thin film around myself that constantly states "everything will be okay" and I can't help but believe this most of the time. I don't cry a lot. I don't express emotions how I think I'm suppose to sometimes.

I don't know if this is a malfunction I developed through growing up given whatever circumstances. Along the road I developed the ability to understand emotions, pinpoint a root; I suppose it's simply the expression part I got confused about.

Whatever it is, I find currently the lack of focus. Adapting into a period of life that in my head I know isn't for me forever but for this moment it places on hold my focus. I do not know if this is a positive or negative thing or it's deemed to be either or. Perhaps it simply is. A fleeting collection of moments that with time will come full circle and I will be back on the road I think I'm suppose to be taking.

I feel it. It nudges me more often. I see it in a face. I yearn for that force.

Perhaps how much I hate to admit it….
No matter how focused, no matter how independent, even I need someone close to me to notice and encourage a little pep talk.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Zigging or Zagging

Does it exist?

Are there signs that point you in a direction that you were suppose to go all along?

Attributes of those you've encountered.
Feelings lost.

I've been told that I take prying. That I'm Stonewall and that at times I am difficult. I know this. I'm not proud of it and if we were to have disclaimers before you meet someone mine would somewhere along the lines state that you have to stick around a while in order to get inside my head. It's a character flaw I can't seem to brush off.

I had a discussion the other evening with someone that I indirectly came to be friends with. I don't try to figure out its meaning or its purpose but I am thankful. Through our discussion the concept of it having to be a rigorous process to live up to his standards came up. I often feel like I'm talking to myself when I'm talking to him, and for a moment I don't feel crazy for being me.

Call it selfishness or call it attempting to look out but the 'rigorous process' in our heads seems to make sense. Who knows if this is true and how obnoxious it sounds that I still feel like I have a par to compete with. I know I'm not alone in the aspect of having friends simply disappear, bad choices or decisions or being the only one to have to pick up the pieces of your heart when the person that shattered it walks away.

So perhaps time really is all we have. Hoping you can make it to finish line without the clock running out. Hoping you zigged or zagged when you were suppose too. Hoping that even if you did get off track you always manage to find your way back.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Four Square

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in." - Tuesdays with Morrie

I have been experiencing a selfish phase lately. Not exactly acting on it but fighting the urges to throw a temper tantrum and be seven years old again. I don't recall making them at seven years old but I'm assuming I did, I made them when I was fourteen so who are we kidding.

I'm learning to be more accepting of the situations around me. It's embarrassing to admit however I am not. I tolerate them because honestly speaking they have not a thing to do with me. It's like watching the four square game on the playground that you didn't get picked to play in but in reality, you never either A) wanted to play to begin with or B) didn't stand in the row to BE picked. So watching is your own fault, you have no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you once thought the world revolved around you so much that even if you were playing tetherball those playing four square would come get you to play.

When these thoughts started crossing my mind I do not know. Perhaps due to the constant strain on relationships in my "trying to find myself" stay in Florida is what triggered this attitude. I felt that last to be picked for kickball mentality too many times but with that humiliation came the realization that chances are I didn't want to play anyway. I didn't understand the rules of the game or from where I came from we had different rules. Not that I couldn't adapt to new rules but I didn't understand that concept of on some days you play by a set of rules and another day you don't. I eventually came to realize that it didn't matter. We all have out moments. Our moments that we are mean, forgetful, kindred spirits, laughing till we cry, selfish, loving and not the example we hope to leave behind. We are human.

That being realized the selfish judgment I bestowed on others should rightly be accused at myself. I saw myself doing it again recently; luckily I'm getting better at reading myself and thus can smack myself before a mouthful of disdain erupts. However I'm rarely 'openly' selfish and for that I don't apologize when I am. I often come out of it with more understanding and thus given the ability to fully display my love for another in a new way.

I suck at life sometimes. I expect to. I wouldn't want it any other way, with out it one can't realize that your life is fleeting. I recently finished a book and the last line of the book was something to this effect "Better then them forgetting me, I want them to pretend I never existed. I was already dead when I was born, therefore I was never truly alive" I cant imagine feeling that way, it breaks my heart to know someone does. How unbelievably selfish we are to hear children saying these things and for them to go unnoticed.

I sit here ashamed of the selfish, judging thoughts once swirling in my head. Thankful that they are diminishing and humbled that God has enough patience with me to smack me around when I need it but also understand that I am in fact trying. That I will mess up but I try my hardest to make the best comeback.

Sunday, August 13, 2006


Lately I have been rather infatuated with 'moments' in time. Those slices of time that happen when you forget your camera. This weekend's moment was crossing Keystone Lake as the sun set. Perfection no matter what the weather forecast consists of. I don't know what it is about this setting but every time I cross it, those few minutes put into perspective the recent activity of my life. For those few moments it causes me to take a deep breath inhaling beauty and exhaling worry, as if they are being thrown over the bridge into the water to fade away.

Having a renewed sense of living coming or going knowing that in a few days I'll cross it again and do it all over. I love these moments. I crave these moments. I realize they are far and few between and for that I am thankful that I always have the constant one put in my path to reach other towns.

They say a moment can define you. I'm not sure I believe that, it's the ones after that do. The reaction, the consequence, the aftermath of emotion. So perhaps it's a series of moments that define you. I'm still debating.

I got compared to Holly Golightly the other evening. Although my initial reaction was of gratitude that someone would compare me to Audrey Hepburn I realize that after this moment passed, the next moment was of my analyzing this concept (which lets face it, gets me in more trouble that I would ever imagine at times). Whereas realizing that this truth wasn't particularly positive. Given she is wonderful, beautiful, quirky and intelligent but along with that is rather unknowable.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

And I must admit although I believe these things, I lack belief in them for myself. Hence my friends comparison I would presume. I have reasons to lack but am beginning to see those were moments defining me without realization. To which I now simply state and believe there will be that moment when it knocks down the rest of the moments, overpowers the lack and sweeps me off my feet.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Cashing in

There are moments in life when you realize that things will never be the same. There are no 'do overs', 'spaces back' or 'do not pass go' turns. The first time you tie your shoe, the feeling you get when you graduate college, the experience in the real world when you realize being a grown up has far more consequences than you originally thought.

I've always had a mouth. I was sent to the principals office the first day of kindergarten, had a special desk next to the teacher in more then one class and again in high school visited the main office and detention. I had more then one altercation with those deemed authority figures since I knew how to speak. Be it at a church camp or a work place I always knew where I stood and it didn't matter to me if others didn't see it that way. I find as you get older the consequences for speaking up aren't always how you think even if in your heart you know it was right. Shaking the hierarchy totem pole isn't something I often intend to do however I always seem to deem my opinion worthy of an appearance. Chances are it probably isn't the time or the place. Chances are...I say something anyway.

I rarely feel apologetic for standing up for myself. I felt that way recently though, sadly in the one situation where no person should ever feel that way. Have we as the world become so non sympathetic to the people in our daily lives that respect, professionalism and loyalty are non-existent?

No wonder we as people are so scared of the life we have been given. A life so precious, wasted on fears that that we will be overcome with ridicule, judgment and hatred of those around us. All I can say is for a brief moment I knew what it was like to feel two inches tall, want to retract a statement I made and become transparent. Luckily it was only a moment but that moment ignited something in me realizing being a grown up isn't an even trade for cashing in on Mickey Mouse pancakes, pig tails, and bedtime stories.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Patience has eluded me once again. If it is one thing I have to learn it is not to fast forward the particulars. I have the uncanny ability to come off as brash, harming an already battered ego. I can only hope that with retribution I also have the ability to hold a soul for safe keeping at the proper moment.

I'm convinced that my favorite piece of instrumental music is what love feels like. Since I have nothing concrete to compare it to in human form I protect this vision and hold it tightly. It's the only moment in time where I can close my eyes and get lost in the nothingness of everything. Although this is the most beautiful experience my heart knows these days I find sadness creeping in. Tainting and tarnishing the effects. Reality defies itself more quickly after the last note is played.

I suppose this is due to wanting it to be tangible, not a melodic sequence played to a hypothetical life inside my dreams. The gliding of notes becoming a safe and familiar hug. The forte of sounds becoming an array of physical emotions bursting forth. The resonance of the finale becoming a burning look branding my heart.

Until I experience this first hand I will continue to close my eyes and fight the reality. Fading further and further into Gods grace. The grace to allow me to dream.

Friday, July 14, 2006


I have been blessed enough to experience Gods beauty in terms of man- made structures turned into Sin City, natural formations that take your breath away and human interaction at its closest all in one week. When you view a natural wonder of the world, grasping the fact that it has been there for millions and millions of years puts human existence into a nanosecond time frame.

With that being said I simply hope that I can make my nanosecond existence full of impact, bursting with emotion that tears at the seams of life. Not showering for a few days, having constant goose bumps, the freak sand storm and the various scratches and wounds leave me with the notion that we are here for such a small amount of time and the particulars won't matter in the next brief moment.

Viewing the night sky in the depths of surrounding canyons with the only noise being rushing water is by far one of Gods biggest and most magnificent beauties that cannot be expressed even by the best writers, artists or musicians. Playing in the rain comes in second of course.

Water cutting through rocks thus making such intricate exquisiteness and perfection leaves me in awe as to why I can't manage to accomplish an array of simple tasks. Course I don't have a million years or the uncontrollable force of nature.

God leaves me breathless often but this past week has reaffirmed a faith that anything is possible thus the yearning to make a feeble attempt at living my nanosecond life like rushing water with no holds barred.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Paint Blotches

"Why would you want to give all of this up?"

Sadly humorous when a third party sheds light on your world and sees things that you were so selfishly trying to deny. No matter how small they are. With that being said, I have once again become a fan of back yard lawn chairs, vast emptiness and lightening bugs.

I daydream too much lately. Often left with unanswered questions that in reality, don't even need answering, just a pondering of thoughts that tease emotions. I find that after the whirlwind of tangents, memories and far fetched scenarios I'm often more equipped than I originally thought.

I feel as though those intertwined with my life for so long are fading away. Perhaps not a fade but a hue of color that might not match my current blotch. And for this, life changes. Leaving open spots for the hand that intertwines with mine that it leaves me breathless, the friend that just knows, the roommate that laughs hysterically when you trip over the chair and that sigh of relief when you finally accept that it is all wonderful.

Lifes beauty...ever changing.


"You search much deeper within through the way things appear youre looking into my heart" - Matt Redman

Blessed with capes made of blankets, bad days that you smile at the end, a car that is having oil issues but a car nonetheless, friends that come to visit, a that hug by a parent that heals for that moment.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Chinese water torture

Being in an insomnia-like state of mind every few months is not something that pleases me. I find it is often when something is plaguing my mind however the non-humorous joke that is played on me is the fact that I do not know this something and until I uncover it I am left with sleepless nights, early mornings where putting contacts in feels like Chinese water torture and I long for the ability to down coffee like a 9-5er.

Eventually I must always figure it out because it goes away. That or I crash and my body wins out over my mind to withstand another day. Either way I long for that moment.

The future being so vast full of so many choices, decisions and opportunities but each day falling further and further away becoming tinier as the sun sets. Perhaps because I stopped chasing it, perhaps because the choices I deem honorable aren't right for me. Probably not the latter, that simply being a cop out rather then taking responsibility for the world I have created for myself.

Humility always occurs with the understanding that only when I lack what I'm searching for is when I gain what I need. Needing not always what I want and not always accepting what I'm given. Not always pleased by the outcome but grateful I was given an outcome nonetheless, at least after a while. Call that stubbornness. I'm hoping with time I will outgrow that. I hope with time I will outgrow a lot of things.

I want to impact. Currently I feel I do not.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

I read a blog today that I normally never read. I found sadness and confusion. This left me with mixed emotions but I fear if I were to say anything it would cause a domino effect of unpleasant scenarios. I do have to wonder if things would have been different under other circumstances, if the outcome would have been greater. It's hard to swallow the fact that you as a person have had an impact on someone in a growth experience way but you associate them with more negative anecdotes rather then happiness. Perhaps that too is a growing experience and for that whether I like it or not they molded a portion of me.

I am continually in awe of how a simple action causes a chain of effects. That at that moment that action does nothing but with time without you knowing was the stepping stone that catapulted you face first into the mud or soaring over the muck.

To be able to pinpoint those moments, I haven't decided if that is a good thing. Seemingly so a good thing if you soared but cause for blame if you wound up in the mud. Though I'm convinced, either spectrum leaves you with understanding and all in all the cause for something greater.

...maybe we impact more people that we realize and in turn they do us. I was never persuaded to believe that it's only those that have a permanent hold on our hearts have an impact, that if we don't always take a conscious role that we mean nothing. Ironically I can't understand this when it comes to myself and my impact on others though. I figure I'm not supposed to though. I figure you aren't always supposed to know.

Only thing I can figure is I must be doing something right. If I wasn't God wouldn't humble me so much and push me to try harder.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Puzzle Pieces

To witness a moment in time where reality becomes determined by an empty living room can change your perspective. When the vastness of space for a split second defeats your attempt of survival and prayer overcomes your ability to admit loss.

Perhaps loss is what was needed. Perhaps prayer makes you realize that. gain more losing it.

Throughout the past few years I have become an expert at creating a world full of two cent advice, sidestepping emotional ditties meant for me and embracing the fact that I will always help those close to me drag the emotional baggage to the next stage in their life. Thus learning sometimes you simply have to chuck the bag out the window and dust yourself off.

You can't put together someone else's puzzle; all you can do is help sort the pieces. Along the way I find that it often helps you place your own puzzle together. That you don't realize how much something means to you until the moment it is questioned, harmed or snatched.

I find I often act on impulse when that moment occurs in my life. My typical lets think about this, strategize a plan, did you remember the highlighter attitude ceases and I find myself in overdrive with adrenaline to do what is right. Who's to say its right, I dont know.

All I can say is that I am okay with it. My feisty opinionated self that walks out on the limb often alone, I love. I love that God humbles me after I probably should have at least remembered the highlighter. I love that my puzzle pieces are beginning to be filled with trust and not jaded, calm and not cynical, faith and not phobic. I love that when you take a look at my unfinished puzzle, my friends have laughter, my family have love and I am perfectly happy being covered in dust in an empty living room.

Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Broken Glass

"The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life."- C.S. Lewis

I try to see the best in all situations. I attempt to piece together broken glass, torn paper and shredded cloth. But what if, it's simply suppose to stay worn? Or that is isn't my job to repair it?

I used to think that if I repaired parts of me that I thought had a loose string, a sharp edge or worn look everything else would work itself out. It doesn't. I've learned to embrace that I have a tongue that doesn't always say what it should, I have an eating habit of someone that is destined to be single forever and my OCD about specific cleaning rituals could drive someone normal crazy.

Not only embracing those things you think the rest of the world deems you an outcast for but taking them and using them for the beauty God made them for is a task that can seemingly knock the wind out of you. I pray daily I get the wind knocked out of me. I thank daily that He brushes me off.

I realize strength in your 'shortcomings' can carry you far further and longer then one ever thinks. To be prideful can help withstand, but to be humble strengthens you to withstand longer. I find humility is the hardest attribute to achieve with grace.

I have to wonder if what stares back at me in the mirror is what reflects off to others.

Monday, May 8, 2006

Bridges and Rainbows

I have to wonder how old you have to get before you realize it's your life. That the mistakes you trudge in and out of are yours. That I would rather be in situations where the concept of a 'mistake' or 'lost' IS an option, that without it, what kind of life would I have? What would I have to show for it? And without it, how unbelievably thankless I would be.

I find myself with a wall hindering my direction. Consciously wondering if I have a direction at all.... is it easier to crawl over, run around or simply knock down a wall? Amazing how growth changes you.

I don't know if I turned out how my family thought. Given, it was perceived I was determined to make sure through everything I continued to shine through. That I didn't lose myself. According to Bernie the 70+ old man I lived next door to for 3 years in Fl says I haven't changed. Perhaps he is right but then again perhaps I do a good job of make believe. I say the latter but don't believe it. I'm fully aware that I am the one that always 'has a plan', a 'direction' and has my act together. But maybe, this disheveled mess of emotions, decisions, and faith is what keeps that direction. I was never good at seeing the intricate details at first. I view things black and white. Although I never seem to fail at intertwining the details once noticed, I don't always do it how it should be done. But...I dont care.

A firm believer in making mistakes, leaping off bridges and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Reality believing that making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and the pots of gold are given to those that are deserving.

Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbows, it may be a life but it wouldnt be living.
Romans 12:12 12 'Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful.'

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Sweetness in a Smile

Im a firm believer in things happening for a reason. Situations that arise, people that imprint our hearts and mishaps that mold our path.

As I stare my future in the face I love how unsure I am about things. A feeling that before a few months ago was seemingly such a travesty. Realizing the possibilities that present themselves will all fall into the proper puzzle piece and in due time form something beautiful.

Having a childlike faith is starting to become easier. My father once told me Life is so much more simple when you believe in God. Such a small sentence with an intricate definition and understanding. How breathtaking and humbling all at the same time.

I used to think my heart wouldnt heal from ignorant manboys, placing yet another body six feet under and watching those that are the closest to me downward spiral. Finding with time that if I didnt know what it meant to hurt I wouldnt know what it felt like to heal.

Healing hurts. Healing demands you take responsibility for actions. Healing makes you be held accountable.

Learning day by day.healing is one of my favorite things. Without it a smile wouldnt seem as sweet.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Your randomness never ceases to amaze me

The Burger King King scares me
I seriously dont understand post office hours. The man delivers to you but youre not home because you have a 9-5 job, so they leave a note that you can pick it up from 9-5.
I like my name in cursive. I enjoy the loopy loops.
The song The Boy Who Cried Wolf by Val Emmich. I really want to know what he did and if she forgave him.
If you dont believe in Jesus, why do you think we are here?
Is it strange to like chocolate and like peanuts but not to like peanut MMs?
Im still upset James Blunt was a no show at the St. Pete concert.
Is it sad that the fact that NY is in last place in the East makes me smile? (okay they are tied now)
The A&E channel really IS amazing.
Im so watching the Gospel of Judas April 13th, National Geographic is just as amazing.
So your friend wants a fun ringtone for when they call, but then you realize youre the one that looks stupid when your phone rings hit me baby one more time not them.
I dont believe in horoscopes but that bulletin about the birthday months really is right on.
Its probably unprofessional to listen to my Ipod while at work, I do it anyway.
My cell phone didnt ring once today.
If I could wear my fuzzy robe 24/7 I think I would.
Ennui really is the coolest word.
Have you ever watched the Wizard of Oz with it muted and listening to Pink Floyds Dark Side of the Moon interesting.
I really like Jason Mrazs version of I Melt With You
I want purple tennis shoes. I dont think I own anything purple.
The day it snows in Florida, I want to be there.
Dog hair is one of the worst things to clean ever.
I still cant get my Ipod radio transmitter to work properly.
What ever happened to the rap duo Kris Kross?
Today I filled out a recommendation card at Bass Pro Shops that the eagle soaring over the water should have a fish in its talons. Yes I really wrote that.
A filing cabinet tried to eat my foot today.
Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes" gets stuck in my head.
I really want to be on the Amazing Race

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse

When I was little I used to wish that by the time I was old enough to get a job that that the career of "professional coloring book artist" would actually exist. I soon realized that spending hours perfecting the way Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse looked didn't really matter.

I soon moved my artistic 'talents' onto paper through words. Learning that my ability to express myself in words was far better then my expression verbally. Now I simply know that at times it gets me through the day. It empties the abyss I call a brain. It filters the muck, the confusion and the blessings.

I still color in coloring books. Wasted time on Big Bird and careful concentration not to go out of the lines. A finished product that will most likely go unseen. Sometimes it's the point of doing it.

I suppose that's like most things. It's just the point of doing it. You have no reason or an inclination of receiving feedback. Sometimes it just is.

I find myself humbled daily.