Sunday, September 30, 2012

Subdued Stillness

The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that? – Pretty Woman

When your life is full of happiness life floats on. When you are genuinely happy, even the speed bumps don’t seem much like hurdles. I have found my life over the past year to be genuinely happy. When you’ve had your heart hurt before I find it often harder to protect it from harm again.

I don’t know if this is because and I realize this sounds awful, but it is as if I am used to feeling this way or simply my heart feels more than it should sometimes. That my emotional beacon once it shines it is overcome with emotion.

I feel extra emotional lately. I’m feeling rather disconnected from the ‘the happiness.’  I used to feel guilty for finding someone so soon after the relationship blunder I had gotten myself out of  a few years ago. I used to feel like I didn’t deserve the easy happiness that came along with the man that sleeps next to me now.  I eventually got wrapped up in the warmth and simply became thankful.

A shift has occurred recently, a shift of perhaps him feeling too comfortable in the setting we have surrounded ourselves with and me feeling that fear creeping in.  We all sometimes get carried away and say things we do not mean, we also sometimes word vomit and say things we have been longing to say. I find myself torn between absolute certainty and sheer fear. I’d like to believe that that is where the majority of people hang out. I’m a creature of having to analyze my emotions, to understand them fully. This often turns into a battle with my significant other. I don’t always need to be fixed; I simply need to be heard. I simply need to feel safe enough to be expressive. I can’t function without being able to explore why I react to certain situations the way I do. My safety net feels rather shaky lately, as if a rope wasn’t tightened enough, that the spark that ignited sheer bliss got stomped on by comfort and fizzled to a constant subdued stillness.

I need to feel revived. I’m not sure how to achieve this on my own and I fear my expression of this need will only stir turmoil.

The hands are perfectly fitted for each other but what happens when you feel like their grip on yours isn’t as strong as it once was? That they have loosened it, that you’re scared they haven’t even noticed?