Simply Loved

The creative juices only seem to truly flow for me when I cannot consciously wrap my mind around a problem, a sadness or a failure.

I find at this moment I have none of those. Unless you count exhaustion from life a problem. No matter how much I complain, I love it.

I was the cynical believer in love and life. Given previous experiences those close to me could gather why… I find now that perhaps, scratch that, I find that now what I deep down always wanted to believe…I have managed to grasp and hold on to.

My Bobby stopped at the gas station at 3am last Saturday. We had just closed the pub and I was tired and starving. He came back with: "A pizza, a cookie for dessert, a sandwich in case you didn't like the pizza, and donuts, I know how you said you have been wanting donuts with sprinkles and I got extra so you can take one to work too"

I couldn't help but smile.

**Loved**

Sometimes

I find out more and more each day how God has molded me into someone that sees the broken and can't help but want to reach out.

I also find out more and more each day that no matter what you do,
Sometimes it's not enough.
Sometimes they will betray you anyway,
Sometimes you saw something deeper when they didn't,
Sometimes they simply don't want it bad enough.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that my heart isn't filled with that lost puppy need to be loved feeling. I know what love is. I feel it daily. How blessed I am. My heart breaks for those that think they need the over the top spectacles in order to have someone notice them.

From my family when my mom texts me after night class to make sure I got home safely.

To my boyfriend when he leaves me flowers to wish me good luck.

And the sunshine God grants that blinds me when I stay up too late.

Those moments are worth more then choosing what you think you want when in reality you end up hurting another that saw you completely and loved you anyway.

When do you let go? Cut your losses and wish them the best?

I'm humbled by the people that have hurt me but continue to remember me down the line. It makes me feel that perhaps I did something right along the way, whether they saw it at the time or not. I take pride in the fact that it doesn't taint me so deeply it never heals.

I live on about 5 hours of sleep a night, I have trouble saying 'I need help', I still haven't perfected cooking whatsoever, I'm bossy, I have been let down by those I gave the benefit of the doubt….

My life is absolutely beautiful. I find that these dramatics don't matter. I find that seeing a smile I long to see all day long at the end of the day makes up for all of it.

Blessed.

Just Do It

How do you fill a void that has been empty for so long? One that only became a hindrance when someone came along and began to fill it. How do you accept it?

I'm learning everyday that sometimes you have to just take it as it is. A "just do it", a "Geronimo", or a "here goes nothing" of sorts. That not everything is going to make it cave in, that sometimes simply being yourself, is enough.

I'm still often walking around with two left feet, have an "I suck at life" day and at times wish I was six so I could throw a temper tantrum. With all of this I'm learning to accept the warmth that comes when another embraces me, usually only after I freak out about it though. Sorry, I'm working on this.

I'm daydreaming more then ever these days. Perhaps this is where my lack of motivation for many things is coming into play. A glassy eyed bubble that breaks when the office phone rings or I get called on in class. I fear this constant daydreaming is my tool to keep from facing reality.

Usually I'm pretty steady in that fact. Embrace life, headstrong and ready to push through. For the first time in my life, I find that I want to know another's opinion before I get there…

I've been feeling God a lot lately. I'm convinced more then ever that He truly makes Himself even more present when you feel lost or scared. He shines through the stillness, glistens with the rain and embraces me with a hug of one that calms my heart.

The void lessens.

Everyday

You have to wonder how often God laughs at your prayers.

That perhaps what you were looking for was right under your nose. Perhaps you simply weren't ready, maybe that is why God didn't make a poster board with a big arrow putting to it.

Everyday I become an even more firm believer in things happening for a reason. A hurt heart, a bruised ego, a failed relationship. It all is connected to something else later in life. I have become increasingly thankful for the beauty that surrounds me.

People like to point out that I'm independent. Although I don't necessary disagree, they do not see the look staring back at me sometimes that is filled with fear, that little girl lost syndrome. I am however learning more and more that it's fading, maybe I never even had much of it, I just thought I should.

How blessed I have become to have another's heart think of mine.

How thankful I have become to have doggie kisses remove days of stress.

How forgiving I have become that a two inch moment has finally ceased from my bitter memory.

How lucky I have become to notice unspoken looks.

How loved I always have been but not learned to embrace until now

Shades

I'm learning you sometimes have to walk around with two left feet before you figure anything out.

Circle after circle, trip over stumble, stares and whispers.

I find it refreshingly ironic however that when it is all said and done, I am the one with the final smirk on my face. I can't help but be consumed in my little bubble full of daydreams.

The peace of solitude becomes a time that can drive a person literally crazy or expose parts of ones self that exemplifies who they are in beautiful shades of anger, sadness and happiness.

With shades of anger I bruised my knuckles and won twenty bucks in poker.

With shades of sadness I exposed mascara ridden tears to some I barely know.

With shades of happiness I felt the breeze of the coming summer and the endorphins of calm set in.

I find that it will never matter how many people you try to decipher it with, how many text messages sent or how many scenarios go through your head…when a situation has ended it doesn't end in your heart until you choose to let it. Whether angry, sad, or happy the only one that has the capability to hold on to that specific emotion is you.

Along with the shades…I have also found that feeling transparent can really put some things in perspective.

You have to figure everyone a few times in life feels this way. Without it I guess you wouldn't question your path, your surroundings and what makes all of it up.

All I know is I happen to like my shades.

You can't wait your whole life just waiting

Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God – Colossians 4:2

I currently feel a lack of motivation toward future goals. This is a new feeling to me. I have always had some form of plan packed inside the web of thoughts. I am at a stand still. I know the goal, I see it but that whole how do you get there concept keeps smacking me in the face.

I suppose what it comes down to is fear. It's the age old "you won't know till you try"

Who even said that?

I am in a rut but it's a comfy rut nonetheless causing my lack of motivation to be seemingly acceptable. That makes me cringe. It makes me harder on myself than probably needed and thus trying to convince myself that 'oh just a little longer, wait it out' should suffice. Well that's just stupid. You can wait your whole life…just waiting.

I spent my last months in Fl worrying/caring about people near and dear to my heart, I spent the first year at home doing the same thing. I do feel my time is now. It took me about five months to realize this but the feelings/emotions/situations I managed to get myself into… opened it up for me.
It's just life.

I am who I am and that's enough for some people and not for others. Deal with it.

If some things don't work out how you wanted then that's okay.

If you screw something up, fix it or stop whining about it and move on.

Just because you put effort into something, don't expect those results from others.

Your actions can truly come back two fold, so be kind. (it beats the situations I have observed lately)

A beautiful heart shared some kind words with me the other day in regard to what you see in a person when you look them straight in the eye. She reminded me of some things and I thank her for that.

I guess the only thing left to do…

Is just do.

I'm glad I'm not God

I am a firm believer that people cross your path for a reason. Whether it's for your own benefit or theirs I have yet to determine. Could a hurt, with time turn into a benefit?

How often you don't realize the impact someone has had on your life until a chain of events changes the course of your interaction with each other. How one sentence can unravel an array of emotions setting in motion the future.

I'm glad I'm not God. I can only imagine how many times this happens, how many hearts hurt and how many prayers are whispered. How do you know which hearts to heal or which prayers should remain unanswered?

I suppose if you take the time to notice, often things are blessings in disguise but currently I do not feel this way. In THIS moment all I feel is numb. I figure the numbing is yet another learning experience.

One where you are happy for another but given their decisions you ache as well. I believe those are the moments that ones true self surfaces. One just hopes that your true self has the courage to smile, wish them luck and be strong enough not to cry until they walk away.

I lack the latter. I figure if I lack one of the three its better to lack the last one. Despite knowing that it's the best choice, my heart will still feel.

Because at the end of the day, all I want is for you to be happy.

Maybe's

"When do you get to that point of enough is enough?"
- "Never."

What if it's just you can't seem to get it together? What if no matter how much one has it together, the other one cant, wont or you don't see it that way?

I am convinced sometimes in life there is some other force pulling you towards a direction that if you used your brain all the time you wouldn't go that way. Without it, one would not veer off course, make a complete mess out of life or fall in love.

I am also convinced that without these off course excursions I would not be the mess of beautiful emotions I am. It has come to my attention recently how I have played a part in some peoples lives and without the off roading I would not have been blessed to have these people in MY life much less help them in any way. So I find the bumpy ride holding on to the 'oh crap' handles much more worthwhile.

I absolutely love the life I have been given. I adore the spectrum of friends I have and how one would sleep in pearls if she could and one that once donated plasma for a habit that I hope doesn't kill him. I am so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to view even small frames of their life.

Every once in a while someone comes along that takes a piece of my heart and in my head I know them taking it will probably hurt me but I find I give it anyway. It hurts for a while after they go away but with time the void becomes filled with a peace and I end up better then I was. So I figure maybe they needed it more then I did at the time. Maybe they needed to know that feeling of someone caring for them. Maybe it will help restore their own. Either way I figure God would not give me too little to work with so I won't wake up one day and realize I've given it all away. I guess I believe that because those moments that I learn about, those ones about playing a part in another's life…it's returned to me twofold.

Maybe that's the point of all of this.

So when is the point that enough is enough? Never. I believe that. I can't help myself. If you've managed to get inside …maybe…just maybe… you are supposed to be there.

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate." – Sex and the City

Examples

What makes a person undeserving of God's love? From what I have understood, it is nothing. Nothing can make Him stop loving you. He can be disappointed in you, He can hope you make a better decision next time around but all in all, He can in fact never stop loving you.

Why as people we don't have that same urge? Why are there hurdles one must jump, technicalities that hinder a choice and scars that are too ugly to overlook?

I wouldn't view myself as someone that follows the notion of religion but more of a personal relationship with God. I love Jesus, Jesus loves me. I try everyday to be that way. I falter, a lot in how I should be living. I spent a good majority of my college life surrounded by those that call themselves Christians. Along the way I met some wonderful warm hearted people as well as those I will never understand. Those that when something 'taboo' occurs are quick to point out the fault, it is those that remind me why the rest of the world would rather believe in nothing at all.

To this day some still don't talk to me. I used to care. It used to bother me that those I thought I wanted to be like as an 'example' didn't accept me. I realize now it wasn't me. I have friends and loved ones from so many walks of life that I completely adore. I find myself so inquisitive about their experiences, their backgrounds, their thoughts and their faults. If I were to bring these people into the world I knew for three years I have to wonder what these 'examples' would think.

My heart hurts for those that wish they could be different in order to feel acceptance where they once used too. I hope they can see how beautiful they are. I hope they can find the courage to stand on their own two feet and I hope fear does not overcome them causing them to stumble.

I have learned that I will almost always be kind to those that walk in my path even when they are not kind back. It's an annoying 'flaw' I have fought with for a while, I cannot help myself. Even if for a moment I win that fight and I'm able to appear obnoxious, I feel bad and have the need to apologize. I wasn't always like this; all I can figure it is came with growth and that prayer to become a better person. God is tricky sometimes.

So what really makes a person undeserving of love? What makes you so much better then them? What makes you less 'sinful'? What makes you more apt to receive goodness in your life?

Nothing.

So next time you choose to make someone feel worthless cause you don't agree with their scars, their choices or their beliefs, take the time to picture yourself there. I hope you are lucky enough to have someone staring back at you and smiling, not that you deserve it. But that's the thing…

...none of us deserve it. We are blessed to receive it anyway, extend it to someone else

Urban Outfitters

So anyone that knows me, knows that I'm an online shopping addict. I'm not talking about a shirt here, a baseball cap there. No no my friends, I'm talking over 50% of my closet and surrounding objects throughout the house.
Which leads me to my little story…it's not unusual to have a package for me at the door; if you have lived with me you know this. So as of today I was expecting a package from Urban Outfitters that contained some frames and a mirror. I checked the UPS tracking today….it was to arrive.
I noticed it wasn't on the table or outside today and thought 'hmm where is my package?"

I'm on the phone chit chatting away and I hear a thump outside…so I peer out the peephole and the UPS man is walking away, I open the door and he says "do you want me to bring that inside? The bottom is about to fall out, it's been falling apart all day" I say yes and he brings it inside.

The box is pretty mangled and falling apart and I'm opening it while still talking on the phone and I'm thinking 'gosh whatever this box as been through, I hope none of my stuff is broken' and as I move the air bubbly packages out of the way I see my frames and a box with my mirror…BUT….

As I take a longer look I see boxes that shouldn't be there. Hmm what are they? Eight boxes total…..

I pick one box up and low and behold…..they are centerfire pistol cartridges. A quick add up….yes folks I have just been given 400 bullets. What the !?!
I promptly flipped the box over and saw my Urban Outfitters address was intact.

One box had opened up and there were lose bullets rolling around the bottom of the box, so after placing those back….I'm the proud owner of 397 bullets, for a 45.

Who knew Urban Outfitters sold bullets.

Capstone

Growth….

A month is so fleeting when you get caught up in living. The past few have been…new experiences, bad decisions and scary consequences matched with too much trusting, lack of trusting, vulnerability, loss of direction and path finding.

I lack many things. I would like to believe along with lacking I have developed other traits that will with time cause me to enhance. Or at least learn to be okay with lacking.

I cannot win a game of checkers or paint you a masterpiece. I talk too much or not enough depending on the circumstances. I've been told given my 'being responsible' by default I lack in the fun department at times.

The thing is, I do not need to win at checkers I'm simply glad someone played with me. My painting will never get 'oo's and ahh's' but still possessing imagination is enough. Sometimes the rambling teaches, sometimes silence is golden. And that default I hold…I realize it only bothers you when you feel insecure about yourself and need to attempt to make me feel the same way or you realize that perhaps, I might simply be right for that moment. Either way I don't care about your opinion if all it is meant to do is hurt me.

I find my heart becoming softer, comments of distaste are hollow. The human emotion of having to feel upset but after been said they just don't seem right. Could it be possible that after the initial reaction of something, that is it? There is no need to feel that pain, betrayal, or disdain?

I'm analytical. I pay attention to the little things. I feel bad easily. I crave understanding. All these pieces...annoy me. I love that they are part of me but at the same time I find they are often roots of frustration. I can only assume that these attributes are leading to a final capstone of pure growth that is until next time.

I'm convinced that without all these pieces, I'd be lost.

All I know is I have changed. In situations where my heart would hurt, my mouth would get angry and my mind would replay that moment….my heart fills with compassion, my mouth prays and my mind still replays that moment.

Growth…

2006

2006 came to a close.
Once again a handful of firsts that have left me reevaluating myself in terms of whom I want to be and what I have become. I'm not sure who that is yet but thankful that I was blessed to have another year to figure it out. Here is the summing up of thoughts from 2006.

- I found my brother again. No matter how different we are, it's me and him and always will be. He's my blood and even time can't change that.

- I found that dreaming with your head in the clouds can be the most wonderful exhilarating experience ….at that moment.

- My best friend is better then yours, hands down.

- I found that someone I've only met once has become one of my closet friends and without them perhaps I'd still have a blue scooter but I'm not complaining.

- People will hurt you, it is inevitable. Learn from it, it is not figuring it out why it happened, its figuring out how to move on.

- Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected places and they may just capture your heart.

- My ability to be myself is so much easier then pretending that a part of me doesn't exist.

- Words do sting and they can heal, don't say them unless you mean them.

- It's just as hard to say what we don't need as well as to ask for what we do need

- We are beautiful messes just waiting for the one that sees the beauty.

- Realizing the potential you have and the potential you lack, hoping with time you'll establish it.

- Learning that attributes of yourself that you once thought were flaws could easily be made up to be the most beautiful.

- That if I didn't know what it felt like to hurt, I wouldn't know what it felt like to heal.

- Making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and pots of gold are given to those that are deserving. Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbow, it may be a life but it wouldn't be living.

- Perhaps you gain more when you lose it.

- Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.

- I hope with time I will grow as well as with time I would outgrown things.

**Many have impacted my life, hurting me and loving me. Thank you either way. **

Here is to 2007