Saturday, October 21, 2006


I must be lacking faith.

I find that when I feel like everything is going wrong, I'm overly stressed or I say things I shouldn't be saying is when I have become selfish in my life and diverted onto a path that becomes me oriented. This is when if I stop to take a look, my faith has diminished.

Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in those around me.

I'm a control freak. It's a horrible attribute that can consume all aspects of your life. Add the fear of not succeeding plus an opinionated personality and it equals an eventual meltdown of massive proportions. Each time I rebuild myself a little differently. Depending on the outcome I build more or less opinions, build more fear or lack of fear but I never seem to change that control attribute. I am not proud of this, in fact I it is an absolute disgust really. I know I'm too independent, opinionated at times too, this frustrated people. It frustrates me that it frustrates people. It's a Catch-22. They think you can hold your own so they don't interfere, yet the reason you have become this way is because no one was ever backing you up. It's humorous how much we seek other's approval even when we don't realize it until its probably too late.

All I can figure is that I am build this way for some reason. The people I do care about, you know it. I never back down even if they are wrong. I never leave you out there alone and I always do my best to show you I love you. What I'm realizing is that to some this may never be enough. That just because you do this doesn't mean you get the same in return. I accept this and accept the consequences of my actions. I accept them due to a faith that it will all be okay. Worrying gets you no where, perhaps on your face if anywhere. Fighting gives your bruises but perhaps may solve something even if it's not the outcome you hoped for. Disrespect leaves you empty.

I'm still learning, in so many areas. Learning to trust my intellect with school. Learning to love myself even when I feel I shouldn't. Learning not to chase after the train wreck that passes you by. Learning people will surprise you in both hurtful ways and beautiful ways. Learning that I don't have a clue….and that that is okay.

That's the hardest one.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Weeding Out

Why do we always become fixated on the negative aspects of things surrounding our life? Is this due to the faith we slightly lose when we become fools in areas we should pay better attention?

All I know is myself. Compiling a list of pros and cons detailing attributes of my life, showing how truly blessed I am but no matter how small the con column is, there is it. That one thing festering. That makes the entire sheet look like a big red FAIL has been stamped upon it.

Perhaps given this much emotion behind it due to the build up of evidence. I'm mentally exhausted of being right in these terms. People state I'm too smart, if I was, I'd know how to control my feelings. I'd know when to shield sweet nothing talks that don't have behaviors that back them up.

I learned last night you have to weed out a lot before you can even catch a glimpse of what you might be looking for and even then there are no guarantees. I learned last night that even those related to you will continue to think like a guy because it is true that even after they see the repercussions of the damage, they will in fact do the same thing to someone else. I learned last night that I have some of the best girl friends in the world and I love them without a doubt wholeheartedly.

"The only man a girl can depend on is a daddy."

...I hope that's not all.

Monday, October 2, 2006


How you can lose it before you realize it's gone. Laziness, a good looking guy, or fear overpowers the picture in your head.

Over the years independence has definitely been something that has molded my decisions, choices and paths in life. But I have to admit having fewer and fewer cheerleaders on the sidelines make it more difficult to be focused on things you once only dreamed about.

I've developed this sense of thin film around myself that constantly states "everything will be okay" and I can't help but believe this most of the time. I don't cry a lot. I don't express emotions how I think I'm suppose to sometimes.

I don't know if this is a malfunction I developed through growing up given whatever circumstances. Along the road I developed the ability to understand emotions, pinpoint a root; I suppose it's simply the expression part I got confused about.

Whatever it is, I find currently the lack of focus. Adapting into a period of life that in my head I know isn't for me forever but for this moment it places on hold my focus. I do not know if this is a positive or negative thing or it's deemed to be either or. Perhaps it simply is. A fleeting collection of moments that with time will come full circle and I will be back on the road I think I'm suppose to be taking.

I feel it. It nudges me more often. I see it in a face. I yearn for that force.

Perhaps how much I hate to admit it….
No matter how focused, no matter how independent, even I need someone close to me to notice and encourage a little pep talk.