Sunday, January 28, 2007



A month is so fleeting when you get caught up in living. The past few have been…new experiences, bad decisions and scary consequences matched with too much trusting, lack of trusting, vulnerability, loss of direction and path finding.

I lack many things. I would like to believe along with lacking I have developed other traits that will with time cause me to enhance. Or at least learn to be okay with lacking.

I cannot win a game of checkers or paint you a masterpiece. I talk too much or not enough depending on the circumstances. I've been told given my 'being responsible' by default I lack in the fun department at times.

The thing is, I do not need to win at checkers I'm simply glad someone played with me. My painting will never get 'oo's and ahh's' but still possessing imagination is enough. Sometimes the rambling teaches, sometimes silence is golden. And that default I hold…I realize it only bothers you when you feel insecure about yourself and need to attempt to make me feel the same way or you realize that perhaps, I might simply be right for that moment. Either way I don't care about your opinion if all it is meant to do is hurt me.

I find my heart becoming softer, comments of distaste are hollow. The human emotion of having to feel upset but after been said they just don't seem right. Could it be possible that after the initial reaction of something, that is it? There is no need to feel that pain, betrayal, or disdain?

I'm analytical. I pay attention to the little things. I feel bad easily. I crave understanding. All these pieces...annoy me. I love that they are part of me but at the same time I find they are often roots of frustration. I can only assume that these attributes are leading to a final capstone of pure growth that is until next time.

I'm convinced that without all these pieces, I'd be lost.

All I know is I have changed. In situations where my heart would hurt, my mouth would get angry and my mind would replay that moment….my heart fills with compassion, my mouth prays and my mind still replays that moment.


Wednesday, January 3, 2007


2006 came to a close.
Once again a handful of firsts that have left me reevaluating myself in terms of whom I want to be and what I have become. I'm not sure who that is yet but thankful that I was blessed to have another year to figure it out. Here is the summing up of thoughts from 2006.

- I found my brother again. No matter how different we are, it's me and him and always will be. He's my blood and even time can't change that.

- I found that dreaming with your head in the clouds can be the most wonderful exhilarating experience ….at that moment.

- My best friend is better then yours, hands down.

- I found that someone I've only met once has become one of my closet friends and without them perhaps I'd still have a blue scooter but I'm not complaining.

- People will hurt you, it is inevitable. Learn from it, it is not figuring it out why it happened, its figuring out how to move on.

- Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected places and they may just capture your heart.

- My ability to be myself is so much easier then pretending that a part of me doesn't exist.

- Words do sting and they can heal, don't say them unless you mean them.

- It's just as hard to say what we don't need as well as to ask for what we do need

- We are beautiful messes just waiting for the one that sees the beauty.

- Realizing the potential you have and the potential you lack, hoping with time you'll establish it.

- Learning that attributes of yourself that you once thought were flaws could easily be made up to be the most beautiful.

- That if I didn't know what it felt like to hurt, I wouldn't know what it felt like to heal.

- Making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and pots of gold are given to those that are deserving. Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbow, it may be a life but it wouldn't be living.

- Perhaps you gain more when you lose it.

- Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.

- I hope with time I will grow as well as with time I would outgrown things.

**Many have impacted my life, hurting me and loving me. Thank you either way. **

Here is to 2007