Chinese water torture

Being in an insomnia-like state of mind every few months is not something that pleases me. I find it is often when something is plaguing my mind however the non-humorous joke that is played on me is the fact that I do not know this something and until I uncover it I am left with sleepless nights, early mornings where putting contacts in feels like Chinese water torture and I long for the ability to down coffee like a 9-5er.

Eventually I must always figure it out because it goes away. That or I crash and my body wins out over my mind to withstand another day. Either way I long for that moment.

The future being so vast full of so many choices, decisions and opportunities but each day falling further and further away becoming tinier as the sun sets. Perhaps because I stopped chasing it, perhaps because the choices I deem honorable aren't right for me. Probably not the latter, that simply being a cop out rather then taking responsibility for the world I have created for myself.

Humility always occurs with the understanding that only when I lack what I'm searching for is when I gain what I need. Needing not always what I want and not always accepting what I'm given. Not always pleased by the outcome but grateful I was given an outcome nonetheless, at least after a while. Call that stubbornness. I'm hoping with time I will outgrow that. I hope with time I will outgrow a lot of things.

I want to impact. Currently I feel I do not.