Sunday, July 4, 2010

Heartbrokenness Makes Everything Blurry

It’s been five months since my last writing. It’s been almost three months since I took a ring off my finger and gave it back to a man that was full of lies. It’s been one month since I cried so hard I couldn’t feel myself breathe. Those times are far and fewer between as time passes. I do wonder however when they will go away completely. I do not regret my decision to end a relationship that I was clearly naïve about. I do find myself considering the next time I will let someone see my heart will be much more difficult.

I still have a no alternations required wedding dress hanging in a shiny bag in my parents’ closet. I still have bridesmaid’s dresses with tags still attached in my closet however I also have a void in my heart. I want to be angry at the person that did this but I find that those around me take care of that for me; maybe that’s why I feel no anger anymore. I feel empty.

People say I’m strong and perhaps because of this label people assume I bounce back quickly. I have no doubts I will one day bounce back but at this present moment I have no explanation of how I ‘feel’ the majority of the time. “Fine” is the generic term most prefer to hear anyway so I leave it at that.

One thing that has come from all of this is the realization that the façade of toughness wears off when you crawl into bed and no longer have anyone to say goodnight too, the loneliness sets in when you no longer have anyone to share in a celebration of educational success with, and the cynicism is hard to resist when you are watching the world move on without you.

Heartbrokenness makes everything blurry. Sounds, smells, images. They all run together and I keep waiting for that moment when the rush breaks through and everything is bright again. Faith, Hope, and Love however still remain.

Faith that one day my heart will be cared for as it deserves.
Hope that I won’t be so broken I’ll miss it.
Love that embraces every single part of me like armor.