Friday, May 26, 2006

Puzzle Pieces

To witness a moment in time where reality becomes determined by an empty living room can change your perspective. When the vastness of space for a split second defeats your attempt of survival and prayer overcomes your ability to admit loss.

Perhaps loss is what was needed. Perhaps prayer makes you realize that. gain more losing it.

Throughout the past few years I have become an expert at creating a world full of two cent advice, sidestepping emotional ditties meant for me and embracing the fact that I will always help those close to me drag the emotional baggage to the next stage in their life. Thus learning sometimes you simply have to chuck the bag out the window and dust yourself off.

You can't put together someone else's puzzle; all you can do is help sort the pieces. Along the way I find that it often helps you place your own puzzle together. That you don't realize how much something means to you until the moment it is questioned, harmed or snatched.

I find I often act on impulse when that moment occurs in my life. My typical lets think about this, strategize a plan, did you remember the highlighter attitude ceases and I find myself in overdrive with adrenaline to do what is right. Who's to say its right, I dont know.

All I can say is that I am okay with it. My feisty opinionated self that walks out on the limb often alone, I love. I love that God humbles me after I probably should have at least remembered the highlighter. I love that my puzzle pieces are beginning to be filled with trust and not jaded, calm and not cynical, faith and not phobic. I love that when you take a look at my unfinished puzzle, my friends have laughter, my family have love and I am perfectly happy being covered in dust in an empty living room.

Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Broken Glass

"The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life."- C.S. Lewis

I try to see the best in all situations. I attempt to piece together broken glass, torn paper and shredded cloth. But what if, it's simply suppose to stay worn? Or that is isn't my job to repair it?

I used to think that if I repaired parts of me that I thought had a loose string, a sharp edge or worn look everything else would work itself out. It doesn't. I've learned to embrace that I have a tongue that doesn't always say what it should, I have an eating habit of someone that is destined to be single forever and my OCD about specific cleaning rituals could drive someone normal crazy.

Not only embracing those things you think the rest of the world deems you an outcast for but taking them and using them for the beauty God made them for is a task that can seemingly knock the wind out of you. I pray daily I get the wind knocked out of me. I thank daily that He brushes me off.

I realize strength in your 'shortcomings' can carry you far further and longer then one ever thinks. To be prideful can help withstand, but to be humble strengthens you to withstand longer. I find humility is the hardest attribute to achieve with grace.

I have to wonder if what stares back at me in the mirror is what reflects off to others.

Monday, May 8, 2006

Bridges and Rainbows

I have to wonder how old you have to get before you realize it's your life. That the mistakes you trudge in and out of are yours. That I would rather be in situations where the concept of a 'mistake' or 'lost' IS an option, that without it, what kind of life would I have? What would I have to show for it? And without it, how unbelievably thankless I would be.

I find myself with a wall hindering my direction. Consciously wondering if I have a direction at all.... is it easier to crawl over, run around or simply knock down a wall? Amazing how growth changes you.

I don't know if I turned out how my family thought. Given, it was perceived I was determined to make sure through everything I continued to shine through. That I didn't lose myself. According to Bernie the 70+ old man I lived next door to for 3 years in Fl says I haven't changed. Perhaps he is right but then again perhaps I do a good job of make believe. I say the latter but don't believe it. I'm fully aware that I am the one that always 'has a plan', a 'direction' and has my act together. But maybe, this disheveled mess of emotions, decisions, and faith is what keeps that direction. I was never good at seeing the intricate details at first. I view things black and white. Although I never seem to fail at intertwining the details once noticed, I don't always do it how it should be done. But...I dont care.

A firm believer in making mistakes, leaping off bridges and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Reality believing that making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and the pots of gold are given to those that are deserving.

Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbows, it may be a life but it wouldnt be living.
Romans 12:12 12 'Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful.'