Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Surface Level

So I overanalyze things. Anyone that knows me knows this.

I have gotten better at the reaction I direct to others in accordance to the over analyzing however. Given sometimes my moments aren't perfection. Two weeks ago I smacked a guy for calling me something that wasn't respectful, although everyone else said he deserved it I find my behavior shameful and rude. Reflecting back on it who knows if I would have smacked him again.

What triggers people to suck up, jump off the deep end or slink away into the corner? Is it the environment we as people have set up for certain behaviors and thought processes to be considered overbearing, misused or flat out not necessary or is it a personal thing?

I complicate things a lot, without meaning too. Surface level speaking I'm not complicated. I can talk a lot or not at all. I can be pretty smart about some things and idiotic in other areas. I can get into that zone that it sounds like you're talking to a guy in terms of Boston baseball or college bball just as easily as I'm probably to girly for you as I'm convinced angels sing in shoe stores. This is really all pretty simplistic.

Its afterwards, when you have more then a 20 minute conversation with me that people realize there is probably more to me. I used to try to maintain I was, but …I'm not. I can't help it. I can't change that fact that something will come out of my mouth in a form of observation that surprises you. I can't help that I pay attention. I can't help that it bothers you that I can figure you out. Most times I don't think it's I've figured a person out, I think its someone simply took the time to notice you.

I've discovered you can be very very wrong about a person and the perception you have of them but that fact that you took the time to attempt it means more at times given you didn't misconstrue them to be some psychotic killer or anything. I'm wrong a lot, I say things I shouldn't, I freak out about lots of things and I can be OCD about an array of tasks.

But at the end of the day, I think we are all so much more alike that we realize. We all can stare at the mirror and think "hmm that needs some work", we all have tripped, we all have laughed, we all have become saddened when that person's hand no longer fit with our own and we all have hoped that the one we care for can't stop thinking about us as well.

What I don't get is why we all seem too scared to be complicated because the truth is I can't be simple. I've tried. It didn't suit me. Who wants to be surface level anyway?

Monday, December 18, 2006

Christmas Spirit

So Christmas spirit comes and goes for me. At my own house decorations are normally far and few between so I always relied on my parents house to be filled with the yearly Santa Clauses, Christmas lights and stockings. For the first time ever last year my mother announced we were to have a fake tree, I was not a happy girl. Given this alleviated the problem of the dog wanting to mark his territory in the house, the needles getting stuck in your house slippers and watering the thing in hopes it lasts until New Years but it changed my aspect on the 'normalcy' of what Christmas was.
This year she announced we weren't to have stockings. I pretended not to receive this text message. When I spoke with her later that evening she asked if I got it and I stated I had but was choosing to ignore it. A few days later she announced stockings would still be in place. Call me be a brat but after the fake tree incident I was putting my foot down for the stockings.
So anyway…I deal with an organization that has a mentor program for children with incarcerated parents. I attended a Christmas party last night with my mentee and her family. As you look around at all these children you find for those moments of candy cane reindeer, Christmas song charades and stars full of prayers the fact that a parent of theirs won't be spending Christmas with them is tucked back in their mind, or at least they pretend its nonexistent. My girl's grandma asked me if all these children have a parent in jail/prison. I said yes. She promptly looked at my mentee and stated "you always be thankful for your family" and my beautiful 15 yr old friend complete with a little attitude, hair dye, and heavy eye makeup stated "I am Grams, I am"

I immediately felt guilty. I am whole heartily thankful for my amazing family and friends but I often forget that the 'Christmas spirit' is more about that then fake trees, no stockings and whether someone remembers to make the chocolate pie. My eyes starting welling up with tears as I drove home thinking about the adorable little 3 yr old boy I wanted to take home. His rendition of rock around the Christmas tree will melt your heart. I wanted to know his story.

I came home and was promptly annoyed by the lack of items I had asked for earlier that day and with the response of "I forgot". As I grumbled off to Walgreen's myself, flashing thoughts of children dressed up as tissue paper Santa's, and paint filled ornaments overcame me. This humbled me completely all over again and I realized that perhaps some around me should experience what it is like to be an observer in situations like these. Where a bag full of Christmas gifts even though they could be a funky colored sweater make your day, where the choice between Italian or Ranch dressing is 'cool' and the fact that they still find some sort of happiness for the family photo being taken even while missing one.

I would have to say that kind of child like faith, strength and smile is one of the most beautiful things in the world and will change you if you have the opportunity to experience it.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006


Although the past few months have flown by with an array of tasks, situations and problems occurring life seems at somewhat of a stand still right now…in this moment.

You always hope the new year will ring in wishes come true, dreams progressing and often a few happier times. As I look back at my first year back home I realize how necessary it is to have people in your life that truly see you. I absolutely adore the handful of those in my life that mold my heart, tune my voice and tweak my moods. The obvious being my brother, my Jordan and my Flo but also included a few others that have made moments worth remembering.

This year was my transition stage. That in between time from being college student to adulthood. That stage of being unsure whether to sleep in and call in sick or having a salary paycheck with health benefits. Was the Thursday night out worth the lagging the next morning? (probably!) Although I still will be continuing school this next year, along with it comes that full time non kid job and my first closing on a house. Life happens without you looking usually, it's when you begin living it that life starts actually feeling.

When growing into yourself feels beautiful, when spending money on the impulsive plane ride to see your girls means memories and that moment when you realize that life simply wouldn't be as sweet without the broken hearts, the ear ringing music, the embarrassing moments and the hugs from those that complete your world.