I completed another educational venture today. I can take an exam in January and earn three letters at the end of my name on a business card and charge people more money than if I didn’t have the three letters. It’s quite amazing how that is even legal. I got numerous “good job”, “I’m sure you did great”, “I’m proud of you” phrases today because I have some truly awesome people in my life, however I find this venture just another thing and although I need a break, in my head ideas are already swirling around as to ‘what’s next?’
There is something lacking as I continue to feel like the world is moving on its axle as I’m at a standstill. I used to think I was someone that could change the world. I find myself being buried underneath so many papers, binders, office supplies, and deadlines that my yearning to change the world is the only thing that keeps me from being buried alive. However I have somehow lost that concept of changing it and feel as though I have simply become transparent.
Transparency does not suit me and I find myself trying to break out in any way. I completed my maid of honor duties this past weekend and helped my person find a gorgeous wedding dress that sparkles and has ruffles, everything girly that makes her up. Eight hours later I sat through a conversation about babies. I felt transparent during these moments and my mind became numb and everything became silent. It was the realization that the girls I had spent my college years with were part of that world that was moving on without me, as if I was standing at the train station as they gushed and laughed in the food car over tea and cookies and simply caught a glimpse of me in passing.
It’s a hard reality when a moment like this occurs and you realize that that you no longer have anything in common with the people that were once part of your world in such an intricate way. This has been happening to me for a good six months now with various people around me. The positive side is I have established some lovelies in my life that are fantastic and just what I needed to pull me out of a funk and for that I am thankful. Regardless of that, it’s a sad day when you know you can’t ever go back to sidewalk chalk, bunk beds at camp, and fort night during your college days. That those relationships have run their course and are now a part of your past more so then you ever thought.
“And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now” – James Morrison