Thursday, September 16, 2010


When I go back and read past postings I have the urge to delete them. It is slightly humiliating to read how naïve I was about the person I almost walked down the aisle to. This would have happened last weekend. I found myself in Arizona last weekend watching a football game on TV the best man wanted to go to. I wonder if he made it.

Back to humiliation, as I get up the nerve to hit delete I find that this will simply erase it from cyber space (probably not even that) and not from my memory and this in turns prompts my index finger to stop. Although I do not need a reminder of the stupidity I feel at least once a week I also realize that these are the only moments I actually feel anything lately.

A little over a month ago as I was going to class a song came on the radio that caused me to transition from sadness to anger. Thank you Rihanna and Eminem for the moment I’d been waiting for. I sat in class as Charlie Brown’s teacher rambled up front and my mind was off on its own accord. Two hours later with tears streaming down my face I beat the hell out of my punching bag and then ran for a while. I’ve been running ever since that evening and I have a scar on my knuckle as a reminder of my clearly built up rage. I finally felt a release.

I still feel empty but I’d rather feel empty and open to what God has in store for me that full of sadness, anger, and heartache.

They (who ARE they?) say that displacement of feelings can only cause worse consequences down the line. I don’t believe this entirely because I’m currently displacing my anger into nightly runs on the treadmill and my legs have never looked better (SCORE!) and displacing my sadness into a random conversation with God wherever I might be. That’s ‘dealing’ with your feelings right? Eh, maybe its displacement, either way it’s working for me so I’m sticking to it.