Monday, June 26, 2006

Paint Blotches

"Why would you want to give all of this up?"

Sadly humorous when a third party sheds light on your world and sees things that you were so selfishly trying to deny. No matter how small they are. With that being said, I have once again become a fan of back yard lawn chairs, vast emptiness and lightening bugs.

I daydream too much lately. Often left with unanswered questions that in reality, don't even need answering, just a pondering of thoughts that tease emotions. I find that after the whirlwind of tangents, memories and far fetched scenarios I'm often more equipped than I originally thought.

I feel as though those intertwined with my life for so long are fading away. Perhaps not a fade but a hue of color that might not match my current blotch. And for this, life changes. Leaving open spots for the hand that intertwines with mine that it leaves me breathless, the friend that just knows, the roommate that laughs hysterically when you trip over the chair and that sigh of relief when you finally accept that it is all wonderful.

Lifes beauty...ever changing.


"You search much deeper within through the way things appear youre looking into my heart" - Matt Redman

Blessed with capes made of blankets, bad days that you smile at the end, a car that is having oil issues but a car nonetheless, friends that come to visit, a that hug by a parent that heals for that moment.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Chinese water torture

Being in an insomnia-like state of mind every few months is not something that pleases me. I find it is often when something is plaguing my mind however the non-humorous joke that is played on me is the fact that I do not know this something and until I uncover it I am left with sleepless nights, early mornings where putting contacts in feels like Chinese water torture and I long for the ability to down coffee like a 9-5er.

Eventually I must always figure it out because it goes away. That or I crash and my body wins out over my mind to withstand another day. Either way I long for that moment.

The future being so vast full of so many choices, decisions and opportunities but each day falling further and further away becoming tinier as the sun sets. Perhaps because I stopped chasing it, perhaps because the choices I deem honorable aren't right for me. Probably not the latter, that simply being a cop out rather then taking responsibility for the world I have created for myself.

Humility always occurs with the understanding that only when I lack what I'm searching for is when I gain what I need. Needing not always what I want and not always accepting what I'm given. Not always pleased by the outcome but grateful I was given an outcome nonetheless, at least after a while. Call that stubbornness. I'm hoping with time I will outgrow that. I hope with time I will outgrow a lot of things.

I want to impact. Currently I feel I do not.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

I read a blog today that I normally never read. I found sadness and confusion. This left me with mixed emotions but I fear if I were to say anything it would cause a domino effect of unpleasant scenarios. I do have to wonder if things would have been different under other circumstances, if the outcome would have been greater. It's hard to swallow the fact that you as a person have had an impact on someone in a growth experience way but you associate them with more negative anecdotes rather then happiness. Perhaps that too is a growing experience and for that whether I like it or not they molded a portion of me.

I am continually in awe of how a simple action causes a chain of effects. That at that moment that action does nothing but with time without you knowing was the stepping stone that catapulted you face first into the mud or soaring over the muck.

To be able to pinpoint those moments, I haven't decided if that is a good thing. Seemingly so a good thing if you soared but cause for blame if you wound up in the mud. Though I'm convinced, either spectrum leaves you with understanding and all in all the cause for something greater.

...maybe we impact more people that we realize and in turn they do us. I was never persuaded to believe that it's only those that have a permanent hold on our hearts have an impact, that if we don't always take a conscious role that we mean nothing. Ironically I can't understand this when it comes to myself and my impact on others though. I figure I'm not supposed to though. I figure you aren't always supposed to know.

Only thing I can figure is I must be doing something right. If I wasn't God wouldn't humble me so much and push me to try harder.