Four Square

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in." - Tuesdays with Morrie

I have been experiencing a selfish phase lately. Not exactly acting on it but fighting the urges to throw a temper tantrum and be seven years old again. I don't recall making them at seven years old but I'm assuming I did, I made them when I was fourteen so who are we kidding.

I'm learning to be more accepting of the situations around me. It's embarrassing to admit however I am not. I tolerate them because honestly speaking they have not a thing to do with me. It's like watching the four square game on the playground that you didn't get picked to play in but in reality, you never either A) wanted to play to begin with or B) didn't stand in the row to BE picked. So watching is your own fault, you have no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you once thought the world revolved around you so much that even if you were playing tetherball those playing four square would come get you to play.

When these thoughts started crossing my mind I do not know. Perhaps due to the constant strain on relationships in my "trying to find myself" stay in Florida is what triggered this attitude. I felt that last to be picked for kickball mentality too many times but with that humiliation came the realization that chances are I didn't want to play anyway. I didn't understand the rules of the game or from where I came from we had different rules. Not that I couldn't adapt to new rules but I didn't understand that concept of on some days you play by a set of rules and another day you don't. I eventually came to realize that it didn't matter. We all have out moments. Our moments that we are mean, forgetful, kindred spirits, laughing till we cry, selfish, loving and not the example we hope to leave behind. We are human.

That being realized the selfish judgment I bestowed on others should rightly be accused at myself. I saw myself doing it again recently; luckily I'm getting better at reading myself and thus can smack myself before a mouthful of disdain erupts. However I'm rarely 'openly' selfish and for that I don't apologize when I am. I often come out of it with more understanding and thus given the ability to fully display my love for another in a new way.

I suck at life sometimes. I expect to. I wouldn't want it any other way, with out it one can't realize that your life is fleeting. I recently finished a book and the last line of the book was something to this effect "Better then them forgetting me, I want them to pretend I never existed. I was already dead when I was born, therefore I was never truly alive" I cant imagine feeling that way, it breaks my heart to know someone does. How unbelievably selfish we are to hear children saying these things and for them to go unnoticed.

I sit here ashamed of the selfish, judging thoughts once swirling in my head. Thankful that they are diminishing and humbled that God has enough patience with me to smack me around when I need it but also understand that I am in fact trying. That I will mess up but I try my hardest to make the best comeback.