Chinese water torture

Being in an insomnia-like state of mind every few months is not something that pleases me. I find it is often when something is plaguing my mind however the non-humorous joke that is played on me is the fact that I do not know this something and until I uncover it I am left with sleepless nights, early mornings where putting contacts in feels like Chinese water torture and I long for the ability to down coffee like a 9-5er.

Eventually I must always figure it out because it goes away. That or I crash and my body wins out over my mind to withstand another day. Either way I long for that moment.

The future being so vast full of so many choices, decisions and opportunities but each day falling further and further away becoming tinier as the sun sets. Perhaps because I stopped chasing it, perhaps because the choices I deem honorable aren't right for me. Probably not the latter, that simply being a cop out rather then taking responsibility for the world I have created for myself.

Humility always occurs with the understanding that only when I lack what I'm searching for is when I gain what I need. Needing not always what I want and not always accepting what I'm given. Not always pleased by the outcome but grateful I was given an outcome nonetheless, at least after a while. Call that stubbornness. I'm hoping with time I will outgrow that. I hope with time I will outgrow a lot of things.

I want to impact. Currently I feel I do not.

I read a blog today that I normally never read. I found sadness and confusion. This left me with mixed emotions but I fear if I were to say anything it would cause a domino effect of unpleasant scenarios. I do have to wonder if things would have been different under other circumstances, if the outcome would have been greater. It's hard to swallow the fact that you as a person have had an impact on someone in a growth experience way but you associate them with more negative anecdotes rather then happiness. Perhaps that too is a growing experience and for that whether I like it or not they molded a portion of me.

I am continually in awe of how a simple action causes a chain of effects. That at that moment that action does nothing but with time without you knowing was the stepping stone that catapulted you face first into the mud or soaring over the muck.

To be able to pinpoint those moments, I haven't decided if that is a good thing. Seemingly so a good thing if you soared but cause for blame if you wound up in the mud. Though I'm convinced, either spectrum leaves you with understanding and all in all the cause for something greater.

...maybe we impact more people that we realize and in turn they do us. I was never persuaded to believe that it's only those that have a permanent hold on our hearts have an impact, that if we don't always take a conscious role that we mean nothing. Ironically I can't understand this when it comes to myself and my impact on others though. I figure I'm not supposed to though. I figure you aren't always supposed to know.

Only thing I can figure is I must be doing something right. If I wasn't God wouldn't humble me so much and push me to try harder.

Puzzle Pieces

To witness a moment in time where reality becomes determined by an empty living room can change your perspective. When the vastness of space for a split second defeats your attempt of survival and prayer overcomes your ability to admit loss.

Perhaps loss is what was needed. Perhaps prayer makes you realize that. Perhaps...you gain more losing it.

Throughout the past few years I have become an expert at creating a world full of two cent advice, sidestepping emotional ditties meant for me and embracing the fact that I will always help those close to me drag the emotional baggage to the next stage in their life. Thus learning sometimes you simply have to chuck the bag out the window and dust yourself off.

You can't put together someone else's puzzle; all you can do is help sort the pieces. Along the way I find that it often helps you place your own puzzle together. That you don't realize how much something means to you until the moment it is questioned, harmed or snatched.

I find I often act on impulse when that moment occurs in my life. My typical lets think about this, strategize a plan, did you remember the highlighter attitude ceases and I find myself in overdrive with adrenaline to do what is right. Who's to say its right, I dont know.

All I can say is that I am okay with it. My feisty opinionated self that walks out on the limb often alone, I love. I love that God humbles me after I probably should have at least remembered the highlighter. I love that my puzzle pieces are beginning to be filled with trust and not jaded, calm and not cynical, faith and not phobic. I love that when you take a look at my unfinished puzzle, my friends have laughter, my family have love and I am perfectly happy being covered in dust in an empty living room.

Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.

Broken Glass

"The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life."- C.S. Lewis


I try to see the best in all situations. I attempt to piece together broken glass, torn paper and shredded cloth. But what if, it's simply suppose to stay worn? Or that is isn't my job to repair it?

I used to think that if I repaired parts of me that I thought had a loose string, a sharp edge or worn look everything else would work itself out. It doesn't. I've learned to embrace that I have a tongue that doesn't always say what it should, I have an eating habit of someone that is destined to be single forever and my OCD about specific cleaning rituals could drive someone normal crazy.

Not only embracing those things you think the rest of the world deems you an outcast for but taking them and using them for the beauty God made them for is a task that can seemingly knock the wind out of you. I pray daily I get the wind knocked out of me. I thank daily that He brushes me off.

I realize strength in your 'shortcomings' can carry you far further and longer then one ever thinks. To be prideful can help withstand, but to be humble strengthens you to withstand longer. I find humility is the hardest attribute to achieve with grace.

I have to wonder if what stares back at me in the mirror is what reflects off to others.

Bridges and Rainbows

I have to wonder how old you have to get before you realize it's your life. That the mistakes you trudge in and out of are yours. That I would rather be in situations where the concept of a 'mistake' or 'lost' IS an option, that without it, what kind of life would I have? What would I have to show for it? And without it, how unbelievably thankless I would be.

I find myself with a wall hindering my direction. Consciously wondering if I have a direction at all.... is it easier to crawl over, run around or simply knock down a wall? Amazing how growth changes you.

I don't know if I turned out how my family thought. Given, it was perceived I was determined to make sure through everything I continued to shine through. That I didn't lose myself. According to Bernie the 70+ old man I lived next door to for 3 years in Fl says I haven't changed. Perhaps he is right but then again perhaps I do a good job of make believe. I say the latter but don't believe it. I'm fully aware that I am the one that always 'has a plan', a 'direction' and has my act together. But maybe, this disheveled mess of emotions, decisions, and faith is what keeps that direction. I was never good at seeing the intricate details at first. I view things black and white. Although I never seem to fail at intertwining the details once noticed, I don't always do it how it should be done. But...I dont care.

A firm believer in making mistakes, leaping off bridges and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Reality believing that making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and the pots of gold are given to those that are deserving.

Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbows, it may be a life but it wouldnt be living.
Romans 12:12 12 'Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful.'

Sweetness in a Smile

Im a firm believer in things happening for a reason. Situations that arise, people that imprint our hearts and mishaps that mold our path.

As I stare my future in the face I love how unsure I am about things. A feeling that before a few months ago was seemingly such a travesty. Realizing the possibilities that present themselves will all fall into the proper puzzle piece and in due time form something beautiful.

Having a childlike faith is starting to become easier. My father once told me Life is so much more simple when you believe in God. Such a small sentence with an intricate definition and understanding. How breathtaking and humbling all at the same time.

I used to think my heart wouldnt heal from ignorant manboys, placing yet another body six feet under and watching those that are the closest to me downward spiral. Finding with time that if I didnt know what it meant to hurt I wouldnt know what it felt like to heal.

Healing hurts. Healing demands you take responsibility for actions. Healing makes you be held accountable.

Learning day by day.healing is one of my favorite things. Without it a smile wouldnt seem as sweet.

Your randomness never ceases to amaze me

The Burger King King scares me
I seriously dont understand post office hours. The man delivers to you but youre not home because you have a 9-5 job, so they leave a note that you can pick it up from 9-5.
I like my name in cursive. I enjoy the loopy loops.
The song The Boy Who Cried Wolf by Val Emmich. I really want to know what he did and if she forgave him.
If you dont believe in Jesus, why do you think we are here?
Is it strange to like chocolate and like peanuts but not to like peanut MMs?
Im still upset James Blunt was a no show at the St. Pete concert.
Is it sad that the fact that NY is in last place in the East makes me smile? (okay they are tied now)
The A&E channel really IS amazing.
Im so watching the Gospel of Judas April 13th, National Geographic is just as amazing.
So your friend wants a fun ringtone for when they call, but then you realize youre the one that looks stupid when your phone rings hit me baby one more time not them.
I dont believe in horoscopes but that bulletin about the birthday months really is right on.
Its probably unprofessional to listen to my Ipod while at work, I do it anyway.
My cell phone didnt ring once today.
If I could wear my fuzzy robe 24/7 I think I would.
Ennui really is the coolest word.
Have you ever watched the Wizard of Oz with it muted and listening to Pink Floyds Dark Side of the Moon interesting.
I really like Jason Mrazs version of I Melt With You
I want purple tennis shoes. I dont think I own anything purple.
The day it snows in Florida, I want to be there.
Dog hair is one of the worst things to clean ever.
I still cant get my Ipod radio transmitter to work properly.
What ever happened to the rap duo Kris Kross?
Today I filled out a recommendation card at Bass Pro Shops that the eagle soaring over the water should have a fish in its talons. Yes I really wrote that.
A filing cabinet tried to eat my foot today.
Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes" gets stuck in my head.
I really want to be on the Amazing Race