Capstone

Growth….

A month is so fleeting when you get caught up in living. The past few have been…new experiences, bad decisions and scary consequences matched with too much trusting, lack of trusting, vulnerability, loss of direction and path finding.

I lack many things. I would like to believe along with lacking I have developed other traits that will with time cause me to enhance. Or at least learn to be okay with lacking.

I cannot win a game of checkers or paint you a masterpiece. I talk too much or not enough depending on the circumstances. I've been told given my 'being responsible' by default I lack in the fun department at times.

The thing is, I do not need to win at checkers I'm simply glad someone played with me. My painting will never get 'oo's and ahh's' but still possessing imagination is enough. Sometimes the rambling teaches, sometimes silence is golden. And that default I hold…I realize it only bothers you when you feel insecure about yourself and need to attempt to make me feel the same way or you realize that perhaps, I might simply be right for that moment. Either way I don't care about your opinion if all it is meant to do is hurt me.

I find my heart becoming softer, comments of distaste are hollow. The human emotion of having to feel upset but after been said they just don't seem right. Could it be possible that after the initial reaction of something, that is it? There is no need to feel that pain, betrayal, or disdain?

I'm analytical. I pay attention to the little things. I feel bad easily. I crave understanding. All these pieces...annoy me. I love that they are part of me but at the same time I find they are often roots of frustration. I can only assume that these attributes are leading to a final capstone of pure growth that is until next time.

I'm convinced that without all these pieces, I'd be lost.

All I know is I have changed. In situations where my heart would hurt, my mouth would get angry and my mind would replay that moment….my heart fills with compassion, my mouth prays and my mind still replays that moment.

Growth…