Four Square

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in." - Tuesdays with Morrie

I have been experiencing a selfish phase lately. Not exactly acting on it but fighting the urges to throw a temper tantrum and be seven years old again. I don't recall making them at seven years old but I'm assuming I did, I made them when I was fourteen so who are we kidding.

I'm learning to be more accepting of the situations around me. It's embarrassing to admit however I am not. I tolerate them because honestly speaking they have not a thing to do with me. It's like watching the four square game on the playground that you didn't get picked to play in but in reality, you never either A) wanted to play to begin with or B) didn't stand in the row to BE picked. So watching is your own fault, you have no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you once thought the world revolved around you so much that even if you were playing tetherball those playing four square would come get you to play.

When these thoughts started crossing my mind I do not know. Perhaps due to the constant strain on relationships in my "trying to find myself" stay in Florida is what triggered this attitude. I felt that last to be picked for kickball mentality too many times but with that humiliation came the realization that chances are I didn't want to play anyway. I didn't understand the rules of the game or from where I came from we had different rules. Not that I couldn't adapt to new rules but I didn't understand that concept of on some days you play by a set of rules and another day you don't. I eventually came to realize that it didn't matter. We all have out moments. Our moments that we are mean, forgetful, kindred spirits, laughing till we cry, selfish, loving and not the example we hope to leave behind. We are human.

That being realized the selfish judgment I bestowed on others should rightly be accused at myself. I saw myself doing it again recently; luckily I'm getting better at reading myself and thus can smack myself before a mouthful of disdain erupts. However I'm rarely 'openly' selfish and for that I don't apologize when I am. I often come out of it with more understanding and thus given the ability to fully display my love for another in a new way.

I suck at life sometimes. I expect to. I wouldn't want it any other way, with out it one can't realize that your life is fleeting. I recently finished a book and the last line of the book was something to this effect "Better then them forgetting me, I want them to pretend I never existed. I was already dead when I was born, therefore I was never truly alive" I cant imagine feeling that way, it breaks my heart to know someone does. How unbelievably selfish we are to hear children saying these things and for them to go unnoticed.

I sit here ashamed of the selfish, judging thoughts once swirling in my head. Thankful that they are diminishing and humbled that God has enough patience with me to smack me around when I need it but also understand that I am in fact trying. That I will mess up but I try my hardest to make the best comeback.

Defining

Lately I have been rather infatuated with 'moments' in time. Those slices of time that happen when you forget your camera. This weekend's moment was crossing Keystone Lake as the sun set. Perfection no matter what the weather forecast consists of. I don't know what it is about this setting but every time I cross it, those few minutes put into perspective the recent activity of my life. For those few moments it causes me to take a deep breath inhaling beauty and exhaling worry, as if they are being thrown over the bridge into the water to fade away.

Having a renewed sense of living coming or going knowing that in a few days I'll cross it again and do it all over. I love these moments. I crave these moments. I realize they are far and few between and for that I am thankful that I always have the constant one put in my path to reach other towns.

They say a moment can define you. I'm not sure I believe that, it's the ones after that do. The reaction, the consequence, the aftermath of emotion. So perhaps it's a series of moments that define you. I'm still debating.

I got compared to Holly Golightly the other evening. Although my initial reaction was of gratitude that someone would compare me to Audrey Hepburn I realize that after this moment passed, the next moment was of my analyzing this concept (which lets face it, gets me in more trouble that I would ever imagine at times). Whereas realizing that this truth wasn't particularly positive. Given she is wonderful, beautiful, quirky and intelligent but along with that is rather unknowable.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

And I must admit although I believe these things, I lack belief in them for myself. Hence my friends comparison I would presume. I have reasons to lack but am beginning to see those were moments defining me without realization. To which I now simply state and believe there will be that moment when it knocks down the rest of the moments, overpowers the lack and sweeps me off my feet.

Cashing in

There are moments in life when you realize that things will never be the same. There are no 'do overs', 'spaces back' or 'do not pass go' turns. The first time you tie your shoe, the feeling you get when you graduate college, the experience in the real world when you realize being a grown up has far more consequences than you originally thought.

I've always had a mouth. I was sent to the principals office the first day of kindergarten, had a special desk next to the teacher in more then one class and again in high school visited the main office and detention. I had more then one altercation with those deemed authority figures since I knew how to speak. Be it at a church camp or a work place I always knew where I stood and it didn't matter to me if others didn't see it that way. I find as you get older the consequences for speaking up aren't always how you think even if in your heart you know it was right. Shaking the hierarchy totem pole isn't something I often intend to do however I always seem to deem my opinion worthy of an appearance. Chances are it probably isn't the time or the place. Chances are...I say something anyway.

I rarely feel apologetic for standing up for myself. I felt that way recently though, sadly in the one situation where no person should ever feel that way. Have we as the world become so non sympathetic to the people in our daily lives that respect, professionalism and loyalty are non-existent?

No wonder we as people are so scared of the life we have been given. A life so precious, wasted on fears that that we will be overcome with ridicule, judgment and hatred of those around us. All I can say is for a brief moment I knew what it was like to feel two inches tall, want to retract a statement I made and become transparent. Luckily it was only a moment but that moment ignited something in me realizing being a grown up isn't an even trade for cashing in on Mickey Mouse pancakes, pig tails, and bedtime stories.