Natural Setting

It's times like these that I feel happy.

They make me feel small in the world as if anything going on in my head that would cause harm will fade away. Calmness and happiness overcome instead. All I know is there is a God with images like this created so naturally.

It is the simplicity and the intricate nature of the surroundings that have come to heal me.  I'm increasing thankful of the life I have been given but have this overwhelming need to make change. I'm not sure what kind of change, simply a sense of purpose I suppose. I had someone today say "that without trying and just being who you are, you inspire and encourage lives because you give them hope and direction" 


I don't know how to grasp this concept. It's hard for me to seemingly achieve something with such vast consequences that I didn't even try at. That my mere presence and connection in one's life could make for such a wonderful outcome. Who am I to have such the ability?

I have been praying a lot lately. Praying for growth, direction, and sheer humility. I seek a connection of understanding. I've been laughing a lot more lately, perhaps this is due to someone new that crossed my path recently, perhaps it was just time. Either way I am thankful for this.  

Suitcases

I spend so much time in my head I find it’s the one place that can make me feel the safest yet the most vulnerable all at the same time. It’s like a suitcase full of emotions you may or may not need on any given occasion.  They (once again…who is THEY?!) say time heals all wounds. I used to say this to people (maybe I became one of those annoying they people) and now I realize I only said it because I didn’t have the slightest idea of what they were going through and my empathy toward them just wanted them to know that I was there. I find I yearn for some sort of empathy that isn’t from a phone call from the east coast or a text message from the west coast.

I have absolutely no idea how to pick up pieces and start over. I have an overwhelming abundance of blessings in the various forms of family, friends, vacation time, flexible hours, and space. I find myself slightly empty though. Not the kind of empty that I NEED someone else to fill my half empty glass but empty in the form of purpose.  I have this longing to feel a belonging to someone, a purpose of helping, loving, and feeling life with them.

“I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart” – Something Corporate

I write so I can go back and read it later, like a book that I have read ten times before with well-worn pages, ear marks, and possible highlights. After it floats around in my head I have to get it out on paper so I can read it, analyze it, understand it and move on. It’s seemingly the only way I can take that piece of baggage and stop lugging it day to day. I think this is why I love books so much, they are full of other people’s suitcases.


 

Openess

"And this kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall

It makes all my problems fall

And this kind of trust helps me to hold the line
I'll be there every time"

I try not to be bitter or cynical when I hear this song lyric, I can actually listen to this Sister Hazel song now and not burst into tears. It’s been almost a year; it doesn’t feel like it though. I remember in college I got my heart broken by a guy that started dating someone else but forgot to tell me….I thought I’d never recover from that constant ache in my chest. I find however my most recent experience is a whole different ache. It follows me, surrounds my whole life it seems. Not in a cry myself to sleep for weeks scenario like college boy was but more like a constant badgering in my head. My only conclusion is that this is due to the fact that I still feel fully responsible for putting myself in the situation to begin with as if my heart shouldn’t have been so trusting.

When I was 16 I was so smitten with a boy that I found out later we were playing the roles in ‘She’s All That’, except I didn’t know. When I was college, see aforementioned story. When I hit post collegiate lifestyle with grown up decisions I found out when the relationship consumes your whole lifestyle; who you talk to, what you eat for dinner, how you spend your summer vacation…having that all change in a blink of an eye leaves you with such a different perception of what you thought your life was going to be and how you will survive the wreckage.

I find myself searching, not for that perfect person that will make me feel safe again but searching for the me I used to be. I know she’ll never actually surface again because she no longer exists due to the wounds inflicted. I guess my only hope is that one day a better, stronger, more resilient version of her makes an appearance. I struggle with balancing the openness I see as weak and the openness I see as being therapeutic for my own good whether I like it or not. I was never the type of person that needed another person to feel whole, that was until I opened myself up to another and realized my version of whole was so meek compared to the possibilities of sharing that stature with someone else. My only mistake was taking that risk with someone that couldn’t carry their own weight when it came to living up to that stature and wasn’t willing to carry mine when I was broken.

I don’t break that often and I fully expected that when I did I’d have someone there, my only fear now is that that person doesn’t exist. I realize this is cynical and I'm fully aware of this. Honestly deep down...and right now I mean really deep down, I know they do and my surface level cynicism is simply that, surface level. Who are we kidding, I'm too much of a thinker to actually believe living the life of a cynical, bitter, jaded individual will get me anywhere I want to be in life. God gave me too much faith for that, my parents taught me to much about courage for that, and my heart has too much love for that...but for now cynicism may win over.

Stillness

One of my favorite moments of the day has been when I get home from work and I walk to the mailbox. The sun has either started to go down or has, and the neighborhood is silent. As I walk down the driveway it is in those moments that I breathe in life. For some strange reason this breathe has been the most calm of my day.


A Harvard University study says that even 10 minutes of silence can increase happiness in your life. I believe that my 20 second walk full of cold air, calm surroundings, and brisk invigoration does this for me.

Today I woke up to this:

I’m not one that gets excited at snow but I find that the stillness that a snowfall like this brings is soothing. The pure perfection of the contours can only encourage a belief in God. Ironically it is the exact same feeling I felt last Saturday when it was 70 degrees and I laid on a blanket, looked up and watched the leaves blow and the sun shine on my face. I thought “man, if you could just bottle up this feeling, there is no way anyone would ever feel sad again with a spritz of this”.

I’ve always genuinely had a pretty sunny disposition, despite my ability to examine my dark and twisty feelings with great detail. The more alone I feel the better I am at examining that side of me and afterwards I always seem to develop a newfound strength. Perhaps this is where the disposition stems from. The past few months I’ve been on a research frenzy of how to move on in life. Move on from what I’m not entirely sure because I’ve come to find out that no matter how you move in life there will be some wounds that take their own time to heal, there will always be decisions that cause you to stumble and may push you on a different road, and there will be people that come into your life and cause you to reexamine everything you ever knew about yourself.

I’m analytical by nature and I tend to look at myself as my own little research project probing my brain with different thesis’ and theories until one pans out. I’m a work in progress. I think we all are and because my brain is usually on overdrive, I welcome those moments of stillness. The ability to have those moments in times of heartbreak, struggle, loneliness, and fear is what makes a person survive. It’s what keeps life worth living.

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” Deepak Chopra