Flicker

“The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.”
I don’t want to be an avid believer of a quote taken from A) a fictional character that turned her own hair a different color or B) such a bold statement.

However….I find this to be truth. At least for now.

When I was a little girl I lied about the most ridiculous things and if memory serves, the lies were 100% of the time so I would not get in trouble by my parents. This was a lesson I didn’t learn quickly because I had many experiences just like Ralphie with a bar of soap in my mouth. I was a horrible liar I might mention, I lied about things that clearly didn’t happen on their own. As much as I would like to convince the world that Barbie has the ability to cut her own hair, last time I checked she is made of plastic. As I got older I became to realize chances are I would not have gotten in trouble for giving Barbie a trim, why I was getting the Dove treatment was because I lied about it. I never however lied about things that really would change the course of the day, a relationship, or loss in faith of the opposite sex.

I find the more people I come in contact with, the less there are that are truly honest. Sure I’ve called into work when I wasn’t really sick. I’ve probably even choked down a meal and claimed it tasted good. But I cannot say that I have ever gained a persons trust only for them to find out something about me that changed their view of me and made them question if I was a worthy ally.

This betrayal stings more now after my lesson of blinded love. Blinded love filled with lies that I pray every night I will one day recover from. It’s in those moments that you want to lean on those around you, so it becomes salt in the wound when you finally do and you find they too, lie. That someone who somehow helped bring you back from the black hole of heartbreak and simply feel life again has hurt you. It feels like the rope you were climbing up, snapped. That as you fly backwards like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole you think “where the hell am I gonna get up enough energy to pull myself up this time?”

All I can figure is that you cannot rely on anyone else. Course that is the frustrating part, I wasn’t trying to do that to begin with, it just happened and I find as I brush the dust off from the crash of a snapped rope, I am out energy right now to try to climb again.

Good thing God can find you in darkness or in light, cause right now, my light is flickering.