Ode to 2010

So 2010 is coming to a close. I usually make an entry about the year in full. Clever one liners that wrap up January, February, March, you get the picture. I'm going to go with:

Dear 2010:


You were one emotional year. You gave me a new office, a new job, knocked me back down to a single no plus one, a clean bill of health, one fantastic birthday shindig, a fun Halloween costume, and a REAL Christmas tree. I had a love/hate relationship with you. This may hurt your feelings, but you will not be missed.


Love, Me.

So with that being said I don't really want to spend any more time on low dips of the rollercoaster that was 2010. I'll give some shout outs to the highs however:

- I really do have the best family ever. They pack stuff up for me, they buy me hot chocolate, they spoil my pets, they understand the 'awesomeness'. I'm not spoiled people, I'm Loved. I don't recommend jealously, but I can see how you would be.

- I'm also blessed to have the most amazing best friend ever. 12 hours drives with one phone call. I did well when I picked my person 16+ years ago.

- Now I've already mentioned my family but I feel this scenario deserves its own section. The Chair v. Jeremy at Kilkenny's. This will go down in history as one of the top five funniest moments I've ever witnessed.

- My Rum Birthday Party, was this party made specifically for my birthday.....no, did I decide it was made FOR me. Yes. Yes I did. You know it's been a good night when you're allowed going to duct tape symbols on the window on the car ride home.

- Hair Fashion Show After Party. You have people dressed up as bugs, you have a pair of pretty sweet boots on and once again it's been a good night when I end up on the dance floor.

- I fell into a groove with some good girlfriends. They saved me this year.

- A real Christmas tree complete with childhood ornaments, lambic beer (oh yeah I discovered that this year too), and family conversation around the fireplace.

- Academic honors. Boo yah.

- Recent but still deserving a section, record player night. Stevie Nicks and dance moves on video has made my day every time I watch it over.

So there you have it. A few snapshots of 2010. There were probably many more and even writing this I can think of them but I have to stop somewhere. All I know is that my heart is in a good place and for that I am extremely blessed and thankful. Every day I feel more like me again which I wasn't sure when that was going to happen, with that being said this is the portion where I thank: My parents, my bubba, Jordan, Kristen, Gayle, Darlene, Andy, Justin S., Pandora radio, Mac and cheese, my Nook, the Boston Red Sox, movie theaters, heels, my treadmill, my iPod, and the Big Man upstairs.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell

Flicker

“The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.”
I don’t want to be an avid believer of a quote taken from A) a fictional character that turned her own hair a different color or B) such a bold statement.

However….I find this to be truth. At least for now.

When I was a little girl I lied about the most ridiculous things and if memory serves, the lies were 100% of the time so I would not get in trouble by my parents. This was a lesson I didn’t learn quickly because I had many experiences just like Ralphie with a bar of soap in my mouth. I was a horrible liar I might mention, I lied about things that clearly didn’t happen on their own. As much as I would like to convince the world that Barbie has the ability to cut her own hair, last time I checked she is made of plastic. As I got older I became to realize chances are I would not have gotten in trouble for giving Barbie a trim, why I was getting the Dove treatment was because I lied about it. I never however lied about things that really would change the course of the day, a relationship, or loss in faith of the opposite sex.

I find the more people I come in contact with, the less there are that are truly honest. Sure I’ve called into work when I wasn’t really sick. I’ve probably even choked down a meal and claimed it tasted good. But I cannot say that I have ever gained a persons trust only for them to find out something about me that changed their view of me and made them question if I was a worthy ally.

This betrayal stings more now after my lesson of blinded love. Blinded love filled with lies that I pray every night I will one day recover from. It’s in those moments that you want to lean on those around you, so it becomes salt in the wound when you finally do and you find they too, lie. That someone who somehow helped bring you back from the black hole of heartbreak and simply feel life again has hurt you. It feels like the rope you were climbing up, snapped. That as you fly backwards like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole you think “where the hell am I gonna get up enough energy to pull myself up this time?”

All I can figure is that you cannot rely on anyone else. Course that is the frustrating part, I wasn’t trying to do that to begin with, it just happened and I find as I brush the dust off from the crash of a snapped rope, I am out energy right now to try to climb again.

Good thing God can find you in darkness or in light, cause right now, my light is flickering.

Transparency

I completed another educational venture today. I can take an exam in January and earn three letters at the end of my name on a business card and charge people more money than if I didn’t have the three letters. It’s quite amazing how that is even legal. I got numerous “good job”, “I’m sure you did great”, “I’m proud of you” phrases today because I have some truly awesome people in my life, however I find this venture just another thing and although I need a break, in my head ideas are already swirling around as to ‘what’s next?’


There is something lacking as I continue to feel like the world is moving on its axle as I’m at a standstill. I used to think I was someone that could change the world. I find myself being buried underneath so many papers, binders, office supplies, and deadlines that my yearning to change the world is the only thing that keeps me from being buried alive. However I have somehow lost that concept of changing it and feel as though I have simply become transparent.

Transparency does not suit me and I find myself trying to break out in any way. I completed my maid of honor duties this past weekend and helped my person find a gorgeous wedding dress that sparkles and has ruffles, everything girly that makes her up. Eight hours later I sat through a conversation about babies. I felt transparent during these moments and my mind became numb and everything became silent. It was the realization that the girls I had spent my college years with were part of that world that was moving on without me, as if I was standing at the train station as they gushed and laughed in the food car over tea and cookies and simply caught a glimpse of me in passing.

It’s a hard reality when a moment like this occurs and you realize that that you no longer have anything in common with the people that were once part of your world in such an intricate way. This has been happening to me for a good six months now with various people around me. The positive side is I have established some lovelies in my life that are fantastic and just what I needed to pull me out of a funk and for that I am thankful. Regardless of that, it’s a sad day when you know you can’t ever go back to sidewalk chalk, bunk beds at camp, and fort night during your college days. That those relationships have run their course and are now a part of your past more so then you ever thought.

“And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now” – James Morrison

Fire Pit

"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time."-- Mason Cooley


I have the tendency to be OCD about events, decisions, and situations that could cause a monstrous disaster if done incorrectly. Who I am I kidding, I’m OCD about whether or not I put a stamp on the envelope I just dropped in the mail slot. There are often times where I can’t sleep because my brain is too busy being wide awake hypothetically planning the next 5 years of my life. Maybe if I plan it while I’m supposed to be sleeping, when the time actually comes I’ll be set and not have a slight panic attack while at work spending someone else’s million dollars because I figured out the problem in my head while drifting in and out of REM sleep. This happens…a lot.

Although I manage to jam pack a lot of information into a few hours I find myself wasting time. I think it’s because when I stop and be still, I find it as unchartered territory that has become more and more unfamiliar to me. I have a fire pit I have never used. Due to past experiences I attach the concept of a fire pit to long conversations about life, love, and stripped away facades. I think these experiences are the best use of human time, with that being said, I have had such a lack of these lately I feel like I’m wasting away.

My days are filled with numbers, codes, dollar bills, and spreadsheets. I’m part of the daily grind that makes the world go round. That’s a pretty sweet feeling when you score big in the conference room because you nailed your presentation however the adrenaline fades after your back in your office and your desk is still covered in the thousands of papers it was before the presentation.

I’m starting up that fire pit soon. I feel like I need a dose of time well spent in front of the flames, the crisp air, and good company.

Karma v. Faith: Meeting in the Middle

Being a part of the subculture called the “bar scene” you end up finding out a lot of information that in any other setting one might not disperse to the person next to them or the one serving them. The idea of “karma” came into the play as last call was making its rounds this evening. A group of gentleman that frequent the bar on a regular basis were tapering off as a few of them somehow ended on the topic of Karma.

Although I believe in God and have a faith based in that direction I find myself contemplating the concept of Karma.

'Karma' is an Indian religious concept in contradistinction to 'faith' espoused by Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present—and past—life actions. In theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. In Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences. The results or 'fruits' of actions are called karma-phala '

Thank you Wikipedia for the verification. I struggle to contemplate that both are completely different areas and do not anywhere intermingle. If God gave us free will, than I have to believe it is also possible that putting good vibes out into the world can only help your chances of walking into more positive vibes in the future. This hypothesis becomes void when something ‘bad’ happens to a ‘good’ person. With that being said I find myself thinking perhaps it’s not what bad thing happened but how the good person handled it that will determine the karma that comes around.

I have to believe that being A) you were good to a crappy person but B) they were sucky to you in turn will eventually equal to C) a good thing happening since the beginning of the equation started off with something positive. Eh, what do I know? I’ve crashed and burned this equation many times over, however I cannot seem to tweak the equation. Perhaps the karma that occurs isn’t based on the reaction you received the first time around.

I have to believe that both karma and faith exist. There is a cause and effect to actions, is this based on the past rap sheet one had? This might be based on the fact on if you have any faith at all. A lot of people spend too much time wanting to play the blame game on why something crappy happened to them. I don’t think I’m built that way. At the end of the day, some people are just mean and others are amazing to have in your life. Some will suck the very life of out of you and some will ignite a passion in you that will start the rest of your life. Is it determined by cause and effect and how these people come into your life? I have absolutely no idea, but my hunch is, having faith can help you see the silver lining ‘good’ karma in any ‘bad’ karma setting.

Displacement

When I go back and read past postings I have the urge to delete them. It is slightly humiliating to read how naïve I was about the person I almost walked down the aisle to. This would have happened last weekend. I found myself in Arizona last weekend watching a football game on TV the best man wanted to go to. I wonder if he made it.

Back to humiliation, as I get up the nerve to hit delete I find that this will simply erase it from cyber space (probably not even that) and not from my memory and this in turns prompts my index finger to stop. Although I do not need a reminder of the stupidity I feel at least once a week I also realize that these are the only moments I actually feel anything lately.

A little over a month ago as I was going to class a song came on the radio that caused me to transition from sadness to anger. Thank you Rihanna and Eminem for the moment I’d been waiting for. I sat in class as Charlie Brown’s teacher rambled up front and my mind was off on its own accord. Two hours later with tears streaming down my face I beat the hell out of my punching bag and then ran for a while. I’ve been running ever since that evening and I have a scar on my knuckle as a reminder of my clearly built up rage. I finally felt a release.

I still feel empty but I’d rather feel empty and open to what God has in store for me that full of sadness, anger, and heartache.

They (who ARE they?) say that displacement of feelings can only cause worse consequences down the line. I don’t believe this entirely because I’m currently displacing my anger into nightly runs on the treadmill and my legs have never looked better (SCORE!) and displacing my sadness into a random conversation with God wherever I might be. That’s ‘dealing’ with your feelings right? Eh, maybe its displacement, either way it’s working for me so I’m sticking to it.

Heartbrokenness Makes Everything Blurry

It’s been five months since my last writing. It’s been almost three months since I took a ring off my finger and gave it back to a man that was full of lies. It’s been one month since I cried so hard I couldn’t feel myself breathe. Those times are far and fewer between as time passes. I do wonder however when they will go away completely. I do not regret my decision to end a relationship that I was clearly naïve about. I do find myself considering the next time I will let someone see my heart will be much more difficult.

I still have a no alternations required wedding dress hanging in a shiny bag in my parents’ closet. I still have bridesmaid’s dresses with tags still attached in my closet however I also have a void in my heart. I want to be angry at the person that did this but I find that those around me take care of that for me; maybe that’s why I feel no anger anymore. I feel empty.

People say I’m strong and perhaps because of this label people assume I bounce back quickly. I have no doubts I will one day bounce back but at this present moment I have no explanation of how I ‘feel’ the majority of the time. “Fine” is the generic term most prefer to hear anyway so I leave it at that.

One thing that has come from all of this is the realization that the façade of toughness wears off when you crawl into bed and no longer have anyone to say goodnight too, the loneliness sets in when you no longer have anyone to share in a celebration of educational success with, and the cynicism is hard to resist when you are watching the world move on without you.

Heartbrokenness makes everything blurry. Sounds, smells, images. They all run together and I keep waiting for that moment when the rush breaks through and everything is bright again. Faith, Hope, and Love however still remain.

Faith that one day my heart will be cared for as it deserves.
Hope that I won’t be so broken I’ll miss it.
Love that embraces every single part of me like armor.

Faith Hope Love

I haven’t written in a long time. I notice a change in my toleration when I haven’t written in a while. It’s a new year, and I start off every year with a recap of the previous.

2009:
- A year filled with hard realizations, love found, and faith that was tested.

I went back to school. I got a cat (who would have guessed that one?) I got engaged. I had a health scare. I got booted from my job of 5 years.

Live has been full of unexpected mountains this past year. I am however truly blessed.

I had a summer full of baseball stadiums, a birthday with friends & family, a sparkly ring, a superhero for Halloween and a kiss to ring in the New Year.

I have been listening to a lot of Etta James, Nikki Costa, Joss Stone and the like lately. Maybe I feel soulful? Maybe I just feel thankful.

2010 is a fresh start.

I have a new job. I will have a husband. I will have a new chapter of my life opened.

I broke a few months ago. The stress of life became too much, this doesn’t happen to me often. I usually perform well under stress, I need a little of it to feel motivation. However when you get engaged, have pre-cancerous cells diagnosed and then removed, lose your job, all in three months you find yourself wondering what exactly the Big Guy is trying to tell you.

It took me some time to figure it out. I had been lacking. Lacking attention to Him. I thought, how could I be blessed with a lovely man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me only to find out that life could be taken away? Then to add some salt to the wound, let’s let you go from a job that you were very loyal too. I was bitter. I admit it.

So as 2010 starts, I find myself healthy and conscious of routine checkups, employed where I am taken seriously even without a penis and I have purchased the perfect wedding dress. Sometimes it has to rain to shine and it has to storm to wash away the dirt.

I feel renewed. Do I still have hints of being scared? Absolutely.

And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13