Fire Pit

"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time."-- Mason Cooley


I have the tendency to be OCD about events, decisions, and situations that could cause a monstrous disaster if done incorrectly. Who I am I kidding, I’m OCD about whether or not I put a stamp on the envelope I just dropped in the mail slot. There are often times where I can’t sleep because my brain is too busy being wide awake hypothetically planning the next 5 years of my life. Maybe if I plan it while I’m supposed to be sleeping, when the time actually comes I’ll be set and not have a slight panic attack while at work spending someone else’s million dollars because I figured out the problem in my head while drifting in and out of REM sleep. This happens…a lot.

Although I manage to jam pack a lot of information into a few hours I find myself wasting time. I think it’s because when I stop and be still, I find it as unchartered territory that has become more and more unfamiliar to me. I have a fire pit I have never used. Due to past experiences I attach the concept of a fire pit to long conversations about life, love, and stripped away facades. I think these experiences are the best use of human time, with that being said, I have had such a lack of these lately I feel like I’m wasting away.

My days are filled with numbers, codes, dollar bills, and spreadsheets. I’m part of the daily grind that makes the world go round. That’s a pretty sweet feeling when you score big in the conference room because you nailed your presentation however the adrenaline fades after your back in your office and your desk is still covered in the thousands of papers it was before the presentation.

I’m starting up that fire pit soon. I feel like I need a dose of time well spent in front of the flames, the crisp air, and good company.

Karma v. Faith: Meeting in the Middle

Being a part of the subculture called the “bar scene” you end up finding out a lot of information that in any other setting one might not disperse to the person next to them or the one serving them. The idea of “karma” came into the play as last call was making its rounds this evening. A group of gentleman that frequent the bar on a regular basis were tapering off as a few of them somehow ended on the topic of Karma.

Although I believe in God and have a faith based in that direction I find myself contemplating the concept of Karma.

'Karma' is an Indian religious concept in contradistinction to 'faith' espoused by Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present—and past—life actions. In theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. In Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences. The results or 'fruits' of actions are called karma-phala '

Thank you Wikipedia for the verification. I struggle to contemplate that both are completely different areas and do not anywhere intermingle. If God gave us free will, than I have to believe it is also possible that putting good vibes out into the world can only help your chances of walking into more positive vibes in the future. This hypothesis becomes void when something ‘bad’ happens to a ‘good’ person. With that being said I find myself thinking perhaps it’s not what bad thing happened but how the good person handled it that will determine the karma that comes around.

I have to believe that being A) you were good to a crappy person but B) they were sucky to you in turn will eventually equal to C) a good thing happening since the beginning of the equation started off with something positive. Eh, what do I know? I’ve crashed and burned this equation many times over, however I cannot seem to tweak the equation. Perhaps the karma that occurs isn’t based on the reaction you received the first time around.

I have to believe that both karma and faith exist. There is a cause and effect to actions, is this based on the past rap sheet one had? This might be based on the fact on if you have any faith at all. A lot of people spend too much time wanting to play the blame game on why something crappy happened to them. I don’t think I’m built that way. At the end of the day, some people are just mean and others are amazing to have in your life. Some will suck the very life of out of you and some will ignite a passion in you that will start the rest of your life. Is it determined by cause and effect and how these people come into your life? I have absolutely no idea, but my hunch is, having faith can help you see the silver lining ‘good’ karma in any ‘bad’ karma setting.

Displacement

When I go back and read past postings I have the urge to delete them. It is slightly humiliating to read how naïve I was about the person I almost walked down the aisle to. This would have happened last weekend. I found myself in Arizona last weekend watching a football game on TV the best man wanted to go to. I wonder if he made it.

Back to humiliation, as I get up the nerve to hit delete I find that this will simply erase it from cyber space (probably not even that) and not from my memory and this in turns prompts my index finger to stop. Although I do not need a reminder of the stupidity I feel at least once a week I also realize that these are the only moments I actually feel anything lately.

A little over a month ago as I was going to class a song came on the radio that caused me to transition from sadness to anger. Thank you Rihanna and Eminem for the moment I’d been waiting for. I sat in class as Charlie Brown’s teacher rambled up front and my mind was off on its own accord. Two hours later with tears streaming down my face I beat the hell out of my punching bag and then ran for a while. I’ve been running ever since that evening and I have a scar on my knuckle as a reminder of my clearly built up rage. I finally felt a release.

I still feel empty but I’d rather feel empty and open to what God has in store for me that full of sadness, anger, and heartache.

They (who ARE they?) say that displacement of feelings can only cause worse consequences down the line. I don’t believe this entirely because I’m currently displacing my anger into nightly runs on the treadmill and my legs have never looked better (SCORE!) and displacing my sadness into a random conversation with God wherever I might be. That’s ‘dealing’ with your feelings right? Eh, maybe its displacement, either way it’s working for me so I’m sticking to it.

Heartbrokenness Makes Everything Blurry

It’s been five months since my last writing. It’s been almost three months since I took a ring off my finger and gave it back to a man that was full of lies. It’s been one month since I cried so hard I couldn’t feel myself breathe. Those times are far and fewer between as time passes. I do wonder however when they will go away completely. I do not regret my decision to end a relationship that I was clearly naïve about. I do find myself considering the next time I will let someone see my heart will be much more difficult.

I still have a no alternations required wedding dress hanging in a shiny bag in my parents’ closet. I still have bridesmaid’s dresses with tags still attached in my closet however I also have a void in my heart. I want to be angry at the person that did this but I find that those around me take care of that for me; maybe that’s why I feel no anger anymore. I feel empty.

People say I’m strong and perhaps because of this label people assume I bounce back quickly. I have no doubts I will one day bounce back but at this present moment I have no explanation of how I ‘feel’ the majority of the time. “Fine” is the generic term most prefer to hear anyway so I leave it at that.

One thing that has come from all of this is the realization that the façade of toughness wears off when you crawl into bed and no longer have anyone to say goodnight too, the loneliness sets in when you no longer have anyone to share in a celebration of educational success with, and the cynicism is hard to resist when you are watching the world move on without you.

Heartbrokenness makes everything blurry. Sounds, smells, images. They all run together and I keep waiting for that moment when the rush breaks through and everything is bright again. Faith, Hope, and Love however still remain.

Faith that one day my heart will be cared for as it deserves.
Hope that I won’t be so broken I’ll miss it.
Love that embraces every single part of me like armor.

Faith Hope Love

I haven’t written in a long time. I notice a change in my toleration when I haven’t written in a while. It’s a new year, and I start off every year with a recap of the previous.

2009:
- A year filled with hard realizations, love found, and faith that was tested.

I went back to school. I got a cat (who would have guessed that one?) I got engaged. I had a health scare. I got booted from my job of 5 years.

Live has been full of unexpected mountains this past year. I am however truly blessed.

I had a summer full of baseball stadiums, a birthday with friends & family, a sparkly ring, a superhero for Halloween and a kiss to ring in the New Year.

I have been listening to a lot of Etta James, Nikki Costa, Joss Stone and the like lately. Maybe I feel soulful? Maybe I just feel thankful.

2010 is a fresh start.

I have a new job. I will have a husband. I will have a new chapter of my life opened.

I broke a few months ago. The stress of life became too much, this doesn’t happen to me often. I usually perform well under stress, I need a little of it to feel motivation. However when you get engaged, have pre-cancerous cells diagnosed and then removed, lose your job, all in three months you find yourself wondering what exactly the Big Guy is trying to tell you.

It took me some time to figure it out. I had been lacking. Lacking attention to Him. I thought, how could I be blessed with a lovely man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me only to find out that life could be taken away? Then to add some salt to the wound, let’s let you go from a job that you were very loyal too. I was bitter. I admit it.

So as 2010 starts, I find myself healthy and conscious of routine checkups, employed where I am taken seriously even without a penis and I have purchased the perfect wedding dress. Sometimes it has to rain to shine and it has to storm to wash away the dirt.

I feel renewed. Do I still have hints of being scared? Absolutely.

And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13

Adam and Eve

Life.

I like to think Eve was created because Adam was lonely, but he didn’t realize how lonely he was until he met Eve.

I believe you don’t really see the cracks and contours of life until you encounter even a fleeting moment that is without the one that changes your life.

I used to have this big mental picture in my mind of changing the world. That one day I would make an impact that made everyone else notice. This was until someone made an impact on mine that caused spaces in time to be more special and life changing then big mental pictures.

I look back to my days in college, in ....Florida.... and realize how ridiculous my world was. I am amazed to think back of my behavior, that I even cared or how I almost went over the edge where I wasn’t me anymore. One of my proudest moments is when I walked away. I came in with a best friend, and left with a best friend. Every other person that I considered to be a close friend I am no longer in contact with. Perhaps a hello catered to a now acquaintance.

We all make choices and chances are we make the choices that make our environment easiest to survive in. I am finally blessed to have an environment that doesn’t make me have to choose.

Growing up, my reality was not like those of the kind I encounter now. I am humbled at the decisions and hills of those that I consider my world now had to go through. I find this gives me a rather naïve reputation but I also find that it brings a refreshing quality to all of us.

I do not tolerate things I used to. I do not tolerate gossip that is of no use, laughter that stings and harshness that in the end only makes me look tarnished.

I need sunshine to feed my soul, I always have. It became ironic that the sunshine state took the very light out of me. I had my first breath of summer a couple days ago and felt such a renewing spirit that I had the giggles all day. It felt good to return to myself.

Myself that has a full happy heart, good true friends, and that moment of solitude that isn’t loneliness.

A year in review

A Year In Review.
I rang in the new year with a guy that has stolen my heart.
He continued to run away with it in Feburary.
Doggie sitting and a birthday came in March.
April was met with a phone call in the Chicago airport with four days later my person making a decision to save her life. I'm proud of her and back her up no matter how many people fall to the curb.
May introuduced me to my first year of graduate school behind me.
June became hard. The colleague I work the closet with took his own life on a Tuesday morning. I did not cry for three weeks. I didn't sleep either. Please vist www.twloha.com if you are struggling with depression and/or suicide. On a brighter note I celebrated one year with my love and he took me to see Phantom of the Opera.
July 4th weekend was witinessing Albert Pujols' 300th homerun, the Cubs/Cardinals showdown and the aftermath of natural disasters.
Augst I took the worst plane trip of my life with someone terrified to fly. This plane ride did not curb her fears.
September was spend with my best guy, my best friend, and my family. Turning 26 wasn't so bad.
October I got to be Wilma Flinstone, go to the circus, and see NBA players.
Novemeber I rocked out Irish style to Dropkick Murphys, experienced my first OU football game and spent Thanksgiving with family and people without family.
December I decorated my very own Christmas tree. I packed my work boxes into my own office and I rang in the New Year once again with my guy.
Alot happened in 2008. Do I have regrets? A couple.I could have prayed more, listened more, stressed less and worried less. I find my favorite moments come from cuddles on the couch with my guy, Sex And The City dvds with my bestie, Sunday movies with my mom, Chines food with my dad, and lunch with my brother.