The bad stuff is easier to
believe. You ever notice that? – Pretty Woman
When your life is full of
happiness life floats on. When you are genuinely happy, even the speed bumps
don’t seem much like hurdles. I have found my life over the past year to be
genuinely happy. When you’ve had your heart hurt before I find it often harder
to protect it from harm again.
I don’t know if this is because
and I realize this sounds awful, but it is as if I am used to feeling this way
or simply my heart feels more than it
should sometimes. That my emotional beacon once it shines it is overcome with
emotion.
I feel extra emotional lately. I’m
feeling rather disconnected from the ‘the happiness.’ I used to feel guilty for finding someone so
soon after the relationship blunder I had gotten myself out of a few years ago. I used to feel like I didn’t
deserve the easy happiness that came along with the man that sleeps next to me
now. I eventually got wrapped up in the
warmth and simply became thankful.
A shift has occurred recently, a shift
of perhaps him feeling too comfortable in the setting we have surrounded
ourselves with and me feeling that fear creeping in. We all sometimes get carried away and say
things we do not mean, we also sometimes word vomit and say things we have been
longing to say. I find myself torn between absolute certainty and sheer fear. I’d
like to believe that that is where the majority of people hang out. I’m a creature
of having to analyze my emotions, to
understand them fully. This often turns into a battle with my significant
other. I don’t always need to be fixed; I simply need to be heard. I simply need
to feel safe enough to be expressive. I can’t function without being able to
explore why I react to certain situations the way I do. My safety net feels
rather shaky lately, as if a rope wasn’t tightened enough, that the spark that
ignited sheer bliss got stomped on by comfort and fizzled to a constant subdued
stillness.
I need to feel revived. I’m not
sure how to achieve this on my own and I fear my expression of this need will
only stir turmoil.
The hands are perfectly fitted for
each other but what happens when you feel like their grip on yours isn’t as
strong as it once was? That they have loosened it, that you’re scared they
haven’t even noticed?
