Subdued Stillness

The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that? – Pretty Woman

When your life is full of happiness life floats on. When you are genuinely happy, even the speed bumps don’t seem much like hurdles. I have found my life over the past year to be genuinely happy. When you’ve had your heart hurt before I find it often harder to protect it from harm again.

I don’t know if this is because and I realize this sounds awful, but it is as if I am used to feeling this way or simply my heart feels more than it should sometimes. That my emotional beacon once it shines it is overcome with emotion.

I feel extra emotional lately. I’m feeling rather disconnected from the ‘the happiness.’  I used to feel guilty for finding someone so soon after the relationship blunder I had gotten myself out of  a few years ago. I used to feel like I didn’t deserve the easy happiness that came along with the man that sleeps next to me now.  I eventually got wrapped up in the warmth and simply became thankful.

A shift has occurred recently, a shift of perhaps him feeling too comfortable in the setting we have surrounded ourselves with and me feeling that fear creeping in.  We all sometimes get carried away and say things we do not mean, we also sometimes word vomit and say things we have been longing to say. I find myself torn between absolute certainty and sheer fear. I’d like to believe that that is where the majority of people hang out. I’m a creature of having to analyze my emotions, to understand them fully. This often turns into a battle with my significant other. I don’t always need to be fixed; I simply need to be heard. I simply need to feel safe enough to be expressive. I can’t function without being able to explore why I react to certain situations the way I do. My safety net feels rather shaky lately, as if a rope wasn’t tightened enough, that the spark that ignited sheer bliss got stomped on by comfort and fizzled to a constant subdued stillness.

I need to feel revived. I’m not sure how to achieve this on my own and I fear my expression of this need will only stir turmoil.

The hands are perfectly fitted for each other but what happens when you feel like their grip on yours isn’t as strong as it once was? That they have loosened it, that you’re scared they haven’t even noticed?

 

Thank you 2011

It’s almost March and my 2011 year in review has yet to occur. I think it’s because when I try to think of the cleverest way to wrap the year up I find myself filled with bursts of emotions that I don’t know how to express verbally. I must say that the year ended on a high note but let’s not get ahead of myself, let’s start from the beginning…

My heart was still healing at the beginning of 2011; I spent a lot of time alone. I read A LOT, I slept restless and I prayed. The transition of 2010-2011 I had begun to put my toe back in the dating pool which resulted in exactly three dates to determine I had absolutely no business even putting a toe in the pool without a floatie. I had a guy cook me dinner only to basically shove me out the front door shortly after when I realized the whole situation was to overwhelming, he probably refers to me as “emotional wreck girl” to this day. I then had a guy ridicule me in the middle of a restaurant for ‘incorrectly’ misusing the terms block and street. People turned at us when he raised his voice I kid you not, I refer to him as “yeller” to this day. Last but not least I went to dinner with a perfect gentleman who did absolutely nothing wrong, I never called him back. I realized my heart had not settled and hanging out in the sun was a much safer bet then all that keep on swimming business. Case closed, or so I thought.

I never saw him coming; I had met him before many times and…nothing. This time was different, it was as if I was meeting him for the very first time, and we finally saw each other. A good three months went by before we actually got to spend quality time with each other however….in the midst of these months I took the trip of a life time.

BOSTON! I am thoroughly convinced a part of my soul belongs in that city, I have no idea why but it does. The sibling circle trip to see history with the Cubs/Sox playing for the first time since the 1918 World Series was something I will ever forget. OKC Thunder games playing in the bars, China Town, walking the warning track of Fenway Park, and signing my name inside the Green Monster is that one trip you tell your kids about and they roll their eyes because they heard it last Christmas. I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. Something about sitting in a ballpark filled with ghosts, curses, and dreams makes you feel a part of something so much bigger yet so connected to everyone around you. It’s irreplaceable.

 Wedding season also was happening and Florida and Georgia was full of flowers, cakes, bridesmaids, and happily ever after’s.

After the whirlwind of summer vacations and family trips calmed I found myself falling head over heels for someone that makes me smile more and more every day. I had a hard time with it at first, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to figure out what the punch line was, etc. I kept thinking to myself why on earth would I be blessed to find someone that fits me so much so quickly after the mess I was in. I couldn’t grasp the simple concept of “you are loved Lacey”. I pushed, man did I push. I still have my bouts of doubt where I burst into tears and become completely overwhelmed with the fact that I finally found exactly what I was looking for.

I could say he brought me back to life, he taught me how to love again and all that mumbo jumbo but I’d be lying. I’m the one that brought myself back to life, and I never lacked the ability to love. He did however soften my heart and embraced my craziness when I thought no one else could and he made me feel safe again and because of that he will forever have a piece of my heart. The love I feel now from him, my family, and my friends is so overwhelming if I sit to think about too much I literally get crocodile tears in my eyes and find myself looking up and saying thank you.

So my ode to 2011: you were the transition year of who I was, to who I want to be. You were beautiful through restless nights, breathtaking trips, happy tears, and sheer calmness and peace I thought I’d never be able to achieve. You bestowed upon me reassurance in the family that never lets me down, the benefit of having true girlfriends, the strength to overcome spiteful people, and embracing the love of my life. 2011 was the beginning of the rest of my life, a life that I often don’t feel deserving of but am so very thankful for.

 “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will...” – Hope Floats