Push

When I was 12 I was mad at my mom for reason pertaining to my brother. She told me that the green eyed monster was around. I immediately felt selfish.

Since then I have never had many run ins with this monster that knocked me down as hard as it did recently.

I find my insecurities shining through more brightly when someone close to me doesn't see them, as if they are self inflicting and saying "see me!, notice me!"

I push. I push myself to do better, work harder, listen more closely, etc. I also seem to push to see how far I can get another to hold on. I don't know why I do this.

I've never had another love me as much I as I am loved at this moment, in the human sense that is other then family. Problem is I'm having a hard time accepting it.

It's like when I feel tremendous guilt and praying seems so….minimal.

I know this love is real because its how I feel when God and I are talking and I feel not worthy enough.

All I can hope is I learn to stop pushing before they finally let go.

…or one day I wake up and feel worthy.

**Blessed**