Natural Setting

It's times like these that I feel happy.

They make me feel small in the world as if anything going on in my head that would cause harm will fade away. Calmness and happiness overcome instead. All I know is there is a God with images like this created so naturally.

It is the simplicity and the intricate nature of the surroundings that have come to heal me.  I'm increasing thankful of the life I have been given but have this overwhelming need to make change. I'm not sure what kind of change, simply a sense of purpose I suppose. I had someone today say "that without trying and just being who you are, you inspire and encourage lives because you give them hope and direction" 


I don't know how to grasp this concept. It's hard for me to seemingly achieve something with such vast consequences that I didn't even try at. That my mere presence and connection in one's life could make for such a wonderful outcome. Who am I to have such the ability?

I have been praying a lot lately. Praying for growth, direction, and sheer humility. I seek a connection of understanding. I've been laughing a lot more lately, perhaps this is due to someone new that crossed my path recently, perhaps it was just time. Either way I am thankful for this.  

Suitcases

I spend so much time in my head I find it’s the one place that can make me feel the safest yet the most vulnerable all at the same time. It’s like a suitcase full of emotions you may or may not need on any given occasion.  They (once again…who is THEY?!) say time heals all wounds. I used to say this to people (maybe I became one of those annoying they people) and now I realize I only said it because I didn’t have the slightest idea of what they were going through and my empathy toward them just wanted them to know that I was there. I find I yearn for some sort of empathy that isn’t from a phone call from the east coast or a text message from the west coast.

I have absolutely no idea how to pick up pieces and start over. I have an overwhelming abundance of blessings in the various forms of family, friends, vacation time, flexible hours, and space. I find myself slightly empty though. Not the kind of empty that I NEED someone else to fill my half empty glass but empty in the form of purpose.  I have this longing to feel a belonging to someone, a purpose of helping, loving, and feeling life with them.

“I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart” – Something Corporate

I write so I can go back and read it later, like a book that I have read ten times before with well-worn pages, ear marks, and possible highlights. After it floats around in my head I have to get it out on paper so I can read it, analyze it, understand it and move on. It’s seemingly the only way I can take that piece of baggage and stop lugging it day to day. I think this is why I love books so much, they are full of other people’s suitcases.


 

Openess

"And this kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall

It makes all my problems fall

And this kind of trust helps me to hold the line
I'll be there every time"

I try not to be bitter or cynical when I hear this song lyric, I can actually listen to this Sister Hazel song now and not burst into tears. It’s been almost a year; it doesn’t feel like it though. I remember in college I got my heart broken by a guy that started dating someone else but forgot to tell me….I thought I’d never recover from that constant ache in my chest. I find however my most recent experience is a whole different ache. It follows me, surrounds my whole life it seems. Not in a cry myself to sleep for weeks scenario like college boy was but more like a constant badgering in my head. My only conclusion is that this is due to the fact that I still feel fully responsible for putting myself in the situation to begin with as if my heart shouldn’t have been so trusting.

When I was 16 I was so smitten with a boy that I found out later we were playing the roles in ‘She’s All That’, except I didn’t know. When I was college, see aforementioned story. When I hit post collegiate lifestyle with grown up decisions I found out when the relationship consumes your whole lifestyle; who you talk to, what you eat for dinner, how you spend your summer vacation…having that all change in a blink of an eye leaves you with such a different perception of what you thought your life was going to be and how you will survive the wreckage.

I find myself searching, not for that perfect person that will make me feel safe again but searching for the me I used to be. I know she’ll never actually surface again because she no longer exists due to the wounds inflicted. I guess my only hope is that one day a better, stronger, more resilient version of her makes an appearance. I struggle with balancing the openness I see as weak and the openness I see as being therapeutic for my own good whether I like it or not. I was never the type of person that needed another person to feel whole, that was until I opened myself up to another and realized my version of whole was so meek compared to the possibilities of sharing that stature with someone else. My only mistake was taking that risk with someone that couldn’t carry their own weight when it came to living up to that stature and wasn’t willing to carry mine when I was broken.

I don’t break that often and I fully expected that when I did I’d have someone there, my only fear now is that that person doesn’t exist. I realize this is cynical and I'm fully aware of this. Honestly deep down...and right now I mean really deep down, I know they do and my surface level cynicism is simply that, surface level. Who are we kidding, I'm too much of a thinker to actually believe living the life of a cynical, bitter, jaded individual will get me anywhere I want to be in life. God gave me too much faith for that, my parents taught me to much about courage for that, and my heart has too much love for that...but for now cynicism may win over.

Stillness

One of my favorite moments of the day has been when I get home from work and I walk to the mailbox. The sun has either started to go down or has, and the neighborhood is silent. As I walk down the driveway it is in those moments that I breathe in life. For some strange reason this breathe has been the most calm of my day.


A Harvard University study says that even 10 minutes of silence can increase happiness in your life. I believe that my 20 second walk full of cold air, calm surroundings, and brisk invigoration does this for me.

Today I woke up to this:

I’m not one that gets excited at snow but I find that the stillness that a snowfall like this brings is soothing. The pure perfection of the contours can only encourage a belief in God. Ironically it is the exact same feeling I felt last Saturday when it was 70 degrees and I laid on a blanket, looked up and watched the leaves blow and the sun shine on my face. I thought “man, if you could just bottle up this feeling, there is no way anyone would ever feel sad again with a spritz of this”.

I’ve always genuinely had a pretty sunny disposition, despite my ability to examine my dark and twisty feelings with great detail. The more alone I feel the better I am at examining that side of me and afterwards I always seem to develop a newfound strength. Perhaps this is where the disposition stems from. The past few months I’ve been on a research frenzy of how to move on in life. Move on from what I’m not entirely sure because I’ve come to find out that no matter how you move in life there will be some wounds that take their own time to heal, there will always be decisions that cause you to stumble and may push you on a different road, and there will be people that come into your life and cause you to reexamine everything you ever knew about yourself.

I’m analytical by nature and I tend to look at myself as my own little research project probing my brain with different thesis’ and theories until one pans out. I’m a work in progress. I think we all are and because my brain is usually on overdrive, I welcome those moments of stillness. The ability to have those moments in times of heartbreak, struggle, loneliness, and fear is what makes a person survive. It’s what keeps life worth living.

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” Deepak Chopra

Ode to 2010

So 2010 is coming to a close. I usually make an entry about the year in full. Clever one liners that wrap up January, February, March, you get the picture. I'm going to go with:

Dear 2010:


You were one emotional year. You gave me a new office, a new job, knocked me back down to a single no plus one, a clean bill of health, one fantastic birthday shindig, a fun Halloween costume, and a REAL Christmas tree. I had a love/hate relationship with you. This may hurt your feelings, but you will not be missed.


Love, Me.

So with that being said I don't really want to spend any more time on low dips of the rollercoaster that was 2010. I'll give some shout outs to the highs however:

- I really do have the best family ever. They pack stuff up for me, they buy me hot chocolate, they spoil my pets, they understand the 'awesomeness'. I'm not spoiled people, I'm Loved. I don't recommend jealously, but I can see how you would be.

- I'm also blessed to have the most amazing best friend ever. 12 hours drives with one phone call. I did well when I picked my person 16+ years ago.

- Now I've already mentioned my family but I feel this scenario deserves its own section. The Chair v. Jeremy at Kilkenny's. This will go down in history as one of the top five funniest moments I've ever witnessed.

- My Rum Birthday Party, was this party made specifically for my birthday.....no, did I decide it was made FOR me. Yes. Yes I did. You know it's been a good night when you're allowed going to duct tape symbols on the window on the car ride home.

- Hair Fashion Show After Party. You have people dressed up as bugs, you have a pair of pretty sweet boots on and once again it's been a good night when I end up on the dance floor.

- I fell into a groove with some good girlfriends. They saved me this year.

- A real Christmas tree complete with childhood ornaments, lambic beer (oh yeah I discovered that this year too), and family conversation around the fireplace.

- Academic honors. Boo yah.

- Recent but still deserving a section, record player night. Stevie Nicks and dance moves on video has made my day every time I watch it over.

So there you have it. A few snapshots of 2010. There were probably many more and even writing this I can think of them but I have to stop somewhere. All I know is that my heart is in a good place and for that I am extremely blessed and thankful. Every day I feel more like me again which I wasn't sure when that was going to happen, with that being said this is the portion where I thank: My parents, my bubba, Jordan, Kristen, Gayle, Darlene, Andy, Justin S., Pandora radio, Mac and cheese, my Nook, the Boston Red Sox, movie theaters, heels, my treadmill, my iPod, and the Big Man upstairs.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell

Flicker

“The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.”
I don’t want to be an avid believer of a quote taken from A) a fictional character that turned her own hair a different color or B) such a bold statement.

However….I find this to be truth. At least for now.

When I was a little girl I lied about the most ridiculous things and if memory serves, the lies were 100% of the time so I would not get in trouble by my parents. This was a lesson I didn’t learn quickly because I had many experiences just like Ralphie with a bar of soap in my mouth. I was a horrible liar I might mention, I lied about things that clearly didn’t happen on their own. As much as I would like to convince the world that Barbie has the ability to cut her own hair, last time I checked she is made of plastic. As I got older I became to realize chances are I would not have gotten in trouble for giving Barbie a trim, why I was getting the Dove treatment was because I lied about it. I never however lied about things that really would change the course of the day, a relationship, or loss in faith of the opposite sex.

I find the more people I come in contact with, the less there are that are truly honest. Sure I’ve called into work when I wasn’t really sick. I’ve probably even choked down a meal and claimed it tasted good. But I cannot say that I have ever gained a persons trust only for them to find out something about me that changed their view of me and made them question if I was a worthy ally.

This betrayal stings more now after my lesson of blinded love. Blinded love filled with lies that I pray every night I will one day recover from. It’s in those moments that you want to lean on those around you, so it becomes salt in the wound when you finally do and you find they too, lie. That someone who somehow helped bring you back from the black hole of heartbreak and simply feel life again has hurt you. It feels like the rope you were climbing up, snapped. That as you fly backwards like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole you think “where the hell am I gonna get up enough energy to pull myself up this time?”

All I can figure is that you cannot rely on anyone else. Course that is the frustrating part, I wasn’t trying to do that to begin with, it just happened and I find as I brush the dust off from the crash of a snapped rope, I am out energy right now to try to climb again.

Good thing God can find you in darkness or in light, cause right now, my light is flickering.

Transparency

I completed another educational venture today. I can take an exam in January and earn three letters at the end of my name on a business card and charge people more money than if I didn’t have the three letters. It’s quite amazing how that is even legal. I got numerous “good job”, “I’m sure you did great”, “I’m proud of you” phrases today because I have some truly awesome people in my life, however I find this venture just another thing and although I need a break, in my head ideas are already swirling around as to ‘what’s next?’


There is something lacking as I continue to feel like the world is moving on its axle as I’m at a standstill. I used to think I was someone that could change the world. I find myself being buried underneath so many papers, binders, office supplies, and deadlines that my yearning to change the world is the only thing that keeps me from being buried alive. However I have somehow lost that concept of changing it and feel as though I have simply become transparent.

Transparency does not suit me and I find myself trying to break out in any way. I completed my maid of honor duties this past weekend and helped my person find a gorgeous wedding dress that sparkles and has ruffles, everything girly that makes her up. Eight hours later I sat through a conversation about babies. I felt transparent during these moments and my mind became numb and everything became silent. It was the realization that the girls I had spent my college years with were part of that world that was moving on without me, as if I was standing at the train station as they gushed and laughed in the food car over tea and cookies and simply caught a glimpse of me in passing.

It’s a hard reality when a moment like this occurs and you realize that that you no longer have anything in common with the people that were once part of your world in such an intricate way. This has been happening to me for a good six months now with various people around me. The positive side is I have established some lovelies in my life that are fantastic and just what I needed to pull me out of a funk and for that I am thankful. Regardless of that, it’s a sad day when you know you can’t ever go back to sidewalk chalk, bunk beds at camp, and fort night during your college days. That those relationships have run their course and are now a part of your past more so then you ever thought.

“And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now” – James Morrison