Adam and Eve

Life.

I like to think Eve was created because Adam was lonely, but he didn’t realize how lonely he was until he met Eve.

I believe you don’t really see the cracks and contours of life until you encounter even a fleeting moment that is without the one that changes your life.

I used to have this big mental picture in my mind of changing the world. That one day I would make an impact that made everyone else notice. This was until someone made an impact on mine that caused spaces in time to be more special and life changing then big mental pictures.

I look back to my days in college, in ....Florida.... and realize how ridiculous my world was. I am amazed to think back of my behavior, that I even cared or how I almost went over the edge where I wasn’t me anymore. One of my proudest moments is when I walked away. I came in with a best friend, and left with a best friend. Every other person that I considered to be a close friend I am no longer in contact with. Perhaps a hello catered to a now acquaintance.

We all make choices and chances are we make the choices that make our environment easiest to survive in. I am finally blessed to have an environment that doesn’t make me have to choose.

Growing up, my reality was not like those of the kind I encounter now. I am humbled at the decisions and hills of those that I consider my world now had to go through. I find this gives me a rather naïve reputation but I also find that it brings a refreshing quality to all of us.

I do not tolerate things I used to. I do not tolerate gossip that is of no use, laughter that stings and harshness that in the end only makes me look tarnished.

I need sunshine to feed my soul, I always have. It became ironic that the sunshine state took the very light out of me. I had my first breath of summer a couple days ago and felt such a renewing spirit that I had the giggles all day. It felt good to return to myself.

Myself that has a full happy heart, good true friends, and that moment of solitude that isn’t loneliness.

A year in review

A Year In Review.
I rang in the new year with a guy that has stolen my heart.
He continued to run away with it in Feburary.
Doggie sitting and a birthday came in March.
April was met with a phone call in the Chicago airport with four days later my person making a decision to save her life. I'm proud of her and back her up no matter how many people fall to the curb.
May introuduced me to my first year of graduate school behind me.
June became hard. The colleague I work the closet with took his own life on a Tuesday morning. I did not cry for three weeks. I didn't sleep either. Please vist www.twloha.com if you are struggling with depression and/or suicide. On a brighter note I celebrated one year with my love and he took me to see Phantom of the Opera.
July 4th weekend was witinessing Albert Pujols' 300th homerun, the Cubs/Cardinals showdown and the aftermath of natural disasters.
Augst I took the worst plane trip of my life with someone terrified to fly. This plane ride did not curb her fears.
September was spend with my best guy, my best friend, and my family. Turning 26 wasn't so bad.
October I got to be Wilma Flinstone, go to the circus, and see NBA players.
Novemeber I rocked out Irish style to Dropkick Murphys, experienced my first OU football game and spent Thanksgiving with family and people without family.
December I decorated my very own Christmas tree. I packed my work boxes into my own office and I rang in the New Year once again with my guy.
Alot happened in 2008. Do I have regrets? A couple.I could have prayed more, listened more, stressed less and worried less. I find my favorite moments come from cuddles on the couch with my guy, Sex And The City dvds with my bestie, Sunday movies with my mom, Chines food with my dad, and lunch with my brother.

25 hours

By the time I was 26 I thought I would have a little more figured out then I have. I suppose sitting and thinking about it all however, I have figured out some things, just not what I was originally planning on.

I feel I am at a sort of crossroads, a sort of 'should I stay or should I go?' and either way it won't be the end of the world. Either way I have a family that supports me, a man that loves me and a best friend that is still to far away.

I feel like in terms of pay checks, authority, and independence I've dropped the ball somewhere. Somewhere I jumped off the train that was heading to "Lacey's Planned Out Future" and got off on the stops of "Not Without You" and "Unexpected Situations"

At first…I was okay with this, I mean life is about new adventures right? I guess when you start to feel kicked around, over looked and downright manipulated you kinda wish the decisions you made to help could be reversed.

I've hit plenty of rocks on the road I had always envisioned…

I've never been at a stand still…

Now here I am…standing…still… while going through the motions of someone that has to get 25 hours stuffed into 24. My concern is not that 25 hours do not fit in 24, my concern is they are no longer my 25 hours.

This is one of those times you search for something and realize you already know the answer but there are consquences.

**Faith...having to be restored

"We had no knowledge that our lives had just changed. You seldom sit at a
crossroads and know it's a crossroads." Alex Raffe

Light

I usually write to dispense pain. I find I lack that lately for the most part and in a strange way I feel like I lost a part of myself. Perhaps this is simply because I have the ability to relate to pain, sadness and dark better then explaining happiness.

Jordan gets it; she's dark and twisty like me.

Darkness has been fading daily; however it crept back in last week for a moment. A moment of sheer brokenness. I never knew I could feel that way, I thought I had, but not like that evening. I find since then I'm still slightly fading in and out of dark and light.

I had been in light for so long, although the dark and brokenness is familiar territory I fell further. I figure this is due to knowing light more strongly, more passionately and more consuming that I ever have.

I had lost that emptiness, it was null in void and filled with assurance, trust and confidence. I had been so blessed to have lost that part. Then the thought occurred to me that you never really lose any part of yourself, another side just shines brighter.

I figure you need all that dark and twisty stuff, that whole concept of 'you wouldn't know what good was unless you know what bad was'. The only downside to that is you get darker if by chance that has to occur. One has to hope that you can get lighter afterwards.

Eh, either way I figure its okay.
"The Light shines through the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it." John 1:5

Push

When I was 12 I was mad at my mom for reason pertaining to my brother. She told me that the green eyed monster was around. I immediately felt selfish.

Since then I have never had many run ins with this monster that knocked me down as hard as it did recently.

I find my insecurities shining through more brightly when someone close to me doesn't see them, as if they are self inflicting and saying "see me!, notice me!"

I push. I push myself to do better, work harder, listen more closely, etc. I also seem to push to see how far I can get another to hold on. I don't know why I do this.

I've never had another love me as much I as I am loved at this moment, in the human sense that is other then family. Problem is I'm having a hard time accepting it.

It's like when I feel tremendous guilt and praying seems so….minimal.

I know this love is real because its how I feel when God and I are talking and I feel not worthy enough.

All I can hope is I learn to stop pushing before they finally let go.

…or one day I wake up and feel worthy.

**Blessed**

Destiny or Karma

Karma: n.
The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
Fate; destiny.
A distinctive aura, atmosphere, or feeling
Destiny: n.
The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined
A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control
The power or agency thought to predetermine events
I'm not sure if I believe in Karma or not. I used to, seemingly only when something bad happened though. Why is it we believe in a concept of Karma when it's a negative situation but believe in Destiny when it's a positive situation?

By definition destiny determines karma it seems.

I'm the first to admit that when something crappy happens to me, I've been wronged or heard of someone wronged I state "what goes around comes around" and although this is rather petty it is easier to place blame on another to say it's their crappy karma then to admit it might just have been my destiny for it happening.

I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately and I have experienced through observation the 'what goes around' concept to others and find it no more fulfilling when something bad happens to them then when it happened to me. So this leaves me with what about if you don't want to believe it's a 'what goes around' concept? Cause then you get to thinking…is wishing bad karma upon them going to come around to you too?

How do you explain it when a person has followed the rules? When they have loved properly? They have done their best to be kind? How is it their "Destiny" or "Karma" to be sick, heartbroken, battling demons they didn't "ask" for?

Does a Destiny or Karma truly determine who you are as a person? Does it measure your mental strength or your ability to stand tall even when a present concept is crushing you?

I find I have an undeniable strength of self. I always have. Is that a Destiny?

Does one's Destiny have a cause in another's?

..>
"1 So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no one knows whether love or hate awaits them. 2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not." Ecclesiastes 9
"I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is to just be." - Jonathan Larson
Maybe that's all it takes.

Tilt A Whirls

I find that the first writing of a new year is the contemplation of the previous year. 2007 was perhaps my most growing up year. Where I started out feeling 2 inches tall and ended up with peace.

Regrets are tough to get over sometimes but lack of acknowledgment of something bigger and better is worse. I'm happy to say that for the first time, I finally acknowledged another's presence and love for me as true.

Things I learned:
- "No one can make you feel interior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt was a smart lady.
- Snowboarding on ice will indeed bruise your butt and you will need at least two days to heal.
- Having ownership of a business isn't as glamorous as people think.
- Just because you treat someone with respect, don't expect it back. Some simply are selfish.
- A 4.0 in your first year of grad school IS possible
- Having no co signer on a vehicle is empowerment.
- Fenway is even more breathtaking that all the posters, television screenings and posters make it out to be.
- Your parents will always think they know what is best for you…this wont change...ever.
- Faith is restored when all you have left is the ability to be on your knees to pray but not enough strength to stand.
- Fear and worry can overcome you if you don't know who you are. Being lost can be one of the most difficult experiences of a lifetime.

Probably the most important thing:
Healing takes time. Healing hurts. Healing makes you experience every emotion twofold wrapped up in twirl-a-whirl of tears, smiles, sickness and vulnerability.

But every once in a while someone might just come along that even when you don't deserve it, even when you are waiting for them to get sick and all it quits will volunteer to get on the tilt-a-whirl simply because you are on it.

I find this one the most mysterious, the one I fight most and the one I absolutely cannot live without.

I finally let someone get on with me. It changed my life.