I find that the first writing of a new year is the contemplation of the previous year. 2007 was perhaps my most growing up year. Where I started out feeling 2 inches tall and ended up with peace.
Regrets are tough to get over sometimes but lack of acknowledgment of something bigger and better is worse. I'm happy to say that for the first time, I finally acknowledged another's presence and love for me as true.
Things I learned:
- "No one can make you feel interior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt was a smart lady.
- Snowboarding on ice will indeed bruise your butt and you will need at least two days to heal.
- Having ownership of a business isn't as glamorous as people think.
- Just because you treat someone with respect, don't expect it back. Some simply are selfish.
- A 4.0 in your first year of grad school IS possible
- Having no co signer on a vehicle is empowerment.
- Fenway is even more breathtaking that all the posters, television screenings and posters make it out to be.
- Your parents will always think they know what is best for you…this wont change...ever.
- Faith is restored when all you have left is the ability to be on your knees to pray but not enough strength to stand.
- Fear and worry can overcome you if you don't know who you are. Being lost can be one of the most difficult experiences of a lifetime.
Probably the most important thing:
Healing takes time. Healing hurts. Healing makes you experience every emotion twofold wrapped up in twirl-a-whirl of tears, smiles, sickness and vulnerability.
But every once in a while someone might just come along that even when you don't deserve it, even when you are waiting for them to get sick and all it quits will volunteer to get on the tilt-a-whirl simply because you are on it.
I find this one the most mysterious, the one I fight most and the one I absolutely cannot live without.
I finally let someone get on with me. It changed my life.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Monday, December 3, 2007
Simply Loved
The creative juices only seem to truly flow for me when I cannot consciously wrap my mind around a problem, a sadness or a failure.
I find at this moment I have none of those. Unless you count exhaustion from life a problem. No matter how much I complain, I love it.
I was the cynical believer in love and life. Given previous experiences those close to me could gather why… I find now that perhaps, scratch that, I find that now what I deep down always wanted to believe…I have managed to grasp and hold on to.
My Bobby stopped at the gas station at 3am last Saturday. We had just closed the pub and I was tired and starving. He came back with: "A pizza, a cookie for dessert, a sandwich in case you didn't like the pizza, and donuts, I know how you said you have been wanting donuts with sprinkles and I got extra so you can take one to work too"
I couldn't help but smile.
**Loved**
I find at this moment I have none of those. Unless you count exhaustion from life a problem. No matter how much I complain, I love it.
I was the cynical believer in love and life. Given previous experiences those close to me could gather why… I find now that perhaps, scratch that, I find that now what I deep down always wanted to believe…I have managed to grasp and hold on to.
My Bobby stopped at the gas station at 3am last Saturday. We had just closed the pub and I was tired and starving. He came back with: "A pizza, a cookie for dessert, a sandwich in case you didn't like the pizza, and donuts, I know how you said you have been wanting donuts with sprinkles and I got extra so you can take one to work too"
I couldn't help but smile.
**Loved**
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Sometimes
I find out more and more each day how God has molded me into someone that sees the broken and can't help but want to reach out.
I also find out more and more each day that no matter what you do,
Sometimes it's not enough.
Sometimes they will betray you anyway,
Sometimes you saw something deeper when they didn't,
Sometimes they simply don't want it bad enough.
Perhaps this is due to the fact that my heart isn't filled with that lost puppy need to be loved feeling. I know what love is. I feel it daily. How blessed I am. My heart breaks for those that think they need the over the top spectacles in order to have someone notice them.
From my family when my mom texts me after night class to make sure I got home safely.
To my boyfriend when he leaves me flowers to wish me good luck.
And the sunshine God grants that blinds me when I stay up too late.
Those moments are worth more then choosing what you think you want when in reality you end up hurting another that saw you completely and loved you anyway.
When do you let go? Cut your losses and wish them the best?
I'm humbled by the people that have hurt me but continue to remember me down the line. It makes me feel that perhaps I did something right along the way, whether they saw it at the time or not. I take pride in the fact that it doesn't taint me so deeply it never heals.
I live on about 5 hours of sleep a night, I have trouble saying 'I need help', I still haven't perfected cooking whatsoever, I'm bossy, I have been let down by those I gave the benefit of the doubt….
My life is absolutely beautiful. I find that these dramatics don't matter. I find that seeing a smile I long to see all day long at the end of the day makes up for all of it.
Blessed.
I also find out more and more each day that no matter what you do,
Sometimes it's not enough.
Sometimes they will betray you anyway,
Sometimes you saw something deeper when they didn't,
Sometimes they simply don't want it bad enough.
Perhaps this is due to the fact that my heart isn't filled with that lost puppy need to be loved feeling. I know what love is. I feel it daily. How blessed I am. My heart breaks for those that think they need the over the top spectacles in order to have someone notice them.
From my family when my mom texts me after night class to make sure I got home safely.
To my boyfriend when he leaves me flowers to wish me good luck.
And the sunshine God grants that blinds me when I stay up too late.
Those moments are worth more then choosing what you think you want when in reality you end up hurting another that saw you completely and loved you anyway.
When do you let go? Cut your losses and wish them the best?
I'm humbled by the people that have hurt me but continue to remember me down the line. It makes me feel that perhaps I did something right along the way, whether they saw it at the time or not. I take pride in the fact that it doesn't taint me so deeply it never heals.
I live on about 5 hours of sleep a night, I have trouble saying 'I need help', I still haven't perfected cooking whatsoever, I'm bossy, I have been let down by those I gave the benefit of the doubt….
My life is absolutely beautiful. I find that these dramatics don't matter. I find that seeing a smile I long to see all day long at the end of the day makes up for all of it.
Blessed.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Just Do It
How do you fill a void that has been empty for so long? One that only became a hindrance when someone came along and began to fill it. How do you accept it?
I'm learning everyday that sometimes you have to just take it as it is. A "just do it", a "Geronimo", or a "here goes nothing" of sorts. That not everything is going to make it cave in, that sometimes simply being yourself, is enough.
I'm still often walking around with two left feet, have an "I suck at life" day and at times wish I was six so I could throw a temper tantrum. With all of this I'm learning to accept the warmth that comes when another embraces me, usually only after I freak out about it though. Sorry, I'm working on this.
I'm daydreaming more then ever these days. Perhaps this is where my lack of motivation for many things is coming into play. A glassy eyed bubble that breaks when the office phone rings or I get called on in class. I fear this constant daydreaming is my tool to keep from facing reality.
Usually I'm pretty steady in that fact. Embrace life, headstrong and ready to push through. For the first time in my life, I find that I want to know another's opinion before I get there…
I've been feeling God a lot lately. I'm convinced more then ever that He truly makes Himself even more present when you feel lost or scared. He shines through the stillness, glistens with the rain and embraces me with a hug of one that calms my heart.
The void lessens.
I'm learning everyday that sometimes you have to just take it as it is. A "just do it", a "Geronimo", or a "here goes nothing" of sorts. That not everything is going to make it cave in, that sometimes simply being yourself, is enough.
I'm still often walking around with two left feet, have an "I suck at life" day and at times wish I was six so I could throw a temper tantrum. With all of this I'm learning to accept the warmth that comes when another embraces me, usually only after I freak out about it though. Sorry, I'm working on this.
I'm daydreaming more then ever these days. Perhaps this is where my lack of motivation for many things is coming into play. A glassy eyed bubble that breaks when the office phone rings or I get called on in class. I fear this constant daydreaming is my tool to keep from facing reality.
Usually I'm pretty steady in that fact. Embrace life, headstrong and ready to push through. For the first time in my life, I find that I want to know another's opinion before I get there…
I've been feeling God a lot lately. I'm convinced more then ever that He truly makes Himself even more present when you feel lost or scared. He shines through the stillness, glistens with the rain and embraces me with a hug of one that calms my heart.
The void lessens.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Everyday
You have to wonder how often God laughs at your prayers.
That perhaps what you were looking for was right under your nose. Perhaps you simply weren't ready, maybe that is why God didn't make a poster board with a big arrow putting to it.
Everyday I become an even more firm believer in things happening for a reason. A hurt heart, a bruised ego, a failed relationship. It all is connected to something else later in life. I have become increasingly thankful for the beauty that surrounds me.
People like to point out that I'm independent. Although I don't necessary disagree, they do not see the look staring back at me sometimes that is filled with fear, that little girl lost syndrome. I am however learning more and more that it's fading, maybe I never even had much of it, I just thought I should.
How blessed I have become to have another's heart think of mine.
How thankful I have become to have doggie kisses remove days of stress.
How forgiving I have become that a two inch moment has finally ceased from my bitter memory.
How lucky I have become to notice unspoken looks.
How loved I always have been but not learned to embrace until now
That perhaps what you were looking for was right under your nose. Perhaps you simply weren't ready, maybe that is why God didn't make a poster board with a big arrow putting to it.
Everyday I become an even more firm believer in things happening for a reason. A hurt heart, a bruised ego, a failed relationship. It all is connected to something else later in life. I have become increasingly thankful for the beauty that surrounds me.
People like to point out that I'm independent. Although I don't necessary disagree, they do not see the look staring back at me sometimes that is filled with fear, that little girl lost syndrome. I am however learning more and more that it's fading, maybe I never even had much of it, I just thought I should.
How blessed I have become to have another's heart think of mine.
How thankful I have become to have doggie kisses remove days of stress.
How forgiving I have become that a two inch moment has finally ceased from my bitter memory.
How lucky I have become to notice unspoken looks.
How loved I always have been but not learned to embrace until now
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Shades
I'm learning you sometimes have to walk around with two left feet before you figure anything out.
Circle after circle, trip over stumble, stares and whispers.
I find it refreshingly ironic however that when it is all said and done, I am the one with the final smirk on my face. I can't help but be consumed in my little bubble full of daydreams.
The peace of solitude becomes a time that can drive a person literally crazy or expose parts of ones self that exemplifies who they are in beautiful shades of anger, sadness and happiness.
With shades of anger I bruised my knuckles and won twenty bucks in poker.
With shades of sadness I exposed mascara ridden tears to some I barely know.
With shades of happiness I felt the breeze of the coming summer and the endorphins of calm set in.
I find that it will never matter how many people you try to decipher it with, how many text messages sent or how many scenarios go through your head…when a situation has ended it doesn't end in your heart until you choose to let it. Whether angry, sad, or happy the only one that has the capability to hold on to that specific emotion is you.
Along with the shades…I have also found that feeling transparent can really put some things in perspective.
You have to figure everyone a few times in life feels this way. Without it I guess you wouldn't question your path, your surroundings and what makes all of it up.
All I know is I happen to like my shades.
Circle after circle, trip over stumble, stares and whispers.
I find it refreshingly ironic however that when it is all said and done, I am the one with the final smirk on my face. I can't help but be consumed in my little bubble full of daydreams.
The peace of solitude becomes a time that can drive a person literally crazy or expose parts of ones self that exemplifies who they are in beautiful shades of anger, sadness and happiness.
With shades of anger I bruised my knuckles and won twenty bucks in poker.
With shades of sadness I exposed mascara ridden tears to some I barely know.
With shades of happiness I felt the breeze of the coming summer and the endorphins of calm set in.
I find that it will never matter how many people you try to decipher it with, how many text messages sent or how many scenarios go through your head…when a situation has ended it doesn't end in your heart until you choose to let it. Whether angry, sad, or happy the only one that has the capability to hold on to that specific emotion is you.
Along with the shades…I have also found that feeling transparent can really put some things in perspective.
You have to figure everyone a few times in life feels this way. Without it I guess you wouldn't question your path, your surroundings and what makes all of it up.
All I know is I happen to like my shades.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
You can't wait your whole life just waiting
Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God – Colossians 4:2
I currently feel a lack of motivation toward future goals. This is a new feeling to me. I have always had some form of plan packed inside the web of thoughts. I am at a stand still. I know the goal, I see it but that whole how do you get there concept keeps smacking me in the face.
I suppose what it comes down to is fear. It's the age old "you won't know till you try"
Who even said that?
I am in a rut but it's a comfy rut nonetheless causing my lack of motivation to be seemingly acceptable. That makes me cringe. It makes me harder on myself than probably needed and thus trying to convince myself that 'oh just a little longer, wait it out' should suffice. Well that's just stupid. You can wait your whole life…just waiting.
I spent my last months in Fl worrying/caring about people near and dear to my heart, I spent the first year at home doing the same thing. I do feel my time is now. It took me about five months to realize this but the feelings/emotions/situations I managed to get myself into… opened it up for me.
It's just life.
I am who I am and that's enough for some people and not for others. Deal with it.
If some things don't work out how you wanted then that's okay.
If you screw something up, fix it or stop whining about it and move on.
Just because you put effort into something, don't expect those results from others.
Your actions can truly come back two fold, so be kind. (it beats the situations I have observed lately)
A beautiful heart shared some kind words with me the other day in regard to what you see in a person when you look them straight in the eye. She reminded me of some things and I thank her for that.
I guess the only thing left to do…
Is just do.
I currently feel a lack of motivation toward future goals. This is a new feeling to me. I have always had some form of plan packed inside the web of thoughts. I am at a stand still. I know the goal, I see it but that whole how do you get there concept keeps smacking me in the face.
I suppose what it comes down to is fear. It's the age old "you won't know till you try"
Who even said that?
I am in a rut but it's a comfy rut nonetheless causing my lack of motivation to be seemingly acceptable. That makes me cringe. It makes me harder on myself than probably needed and thus trying to convince myself that 'oh just a little longer, wait it out' should suffice. Well that's just stupid. You can wait your whole life…just waiting.
I spent my last months in Fl worrying/caring about people near and dear to my heart, I spent the first year at home doing the same thing. I do feel my time is now. It took me about five months to realize this but the feelings/emotions/situations I managed to get myself into… opened it up for me.
It's just life.
I am who I am and that's enough for some people and not for others. Deal with it.
If some things don't work out how you wanted then that's okay.
If you screw something up, fix it or stop whining about it and move on.
Just because you put effort into something, don't expect those results from others.
Your actions can truly come back two fold, so be kind. (it beats the situations I have observed lately)
A beautiful heart shared some kind words with me the other day in regard to what you see in a person when you look them straight in the eye. She reminded me of some things and I thank her for that.
I guess the only thing left to do…
Is just do.
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