For Good

An impact…

"The effect or impression of one thing on another"

You have to wonder the impact you have on those around you. The kid that stepped in front of your car, the woman searching the labels at the grocery store, the man on the street holding out his hand.

How many people do we truly make an impact on, and at the end of the day were they more positive or negative impacts?

I'm convinced we are all intertwined. Sort of that six degrees of separation bit. That for one reason or another someone graces their presence in our life. Whether it being the drive thru man that says "God Bless You" to the gum smacker that follows you around for commission.

It all makes an imprint. An imprint in the sand that can be easily washed away or a cement imprint that takes a shatter to break. I find that you often don't realize the impact you make on others and it's only until much later you realize that even those you never thought made an impact on you.

Lately I found a handful of people on my mind, my heart and I only hope that in some sort of way I have impacted, even if for a moment. In turn they have impacted me. It's not a secret to those around me that often I have a rather cynical jaded attitude of sorts, I'm completely ashamed of this attribute most times and I found yesterday it has softened. Through another's emotions/reactions I have found that I am healing.

They have no idea of this, they have no notion of what would ever need to be healed but through our conversation I began to feel warmth, sadness, an urge of compassion that I hadn't in a long time. It was absolutely wonderful.

I think we often forget what even the tiniest things could do for another. I try my best, and my best often isn't good enough. I try again though, always.

I probably will never understand why some come into my life or why I meander into someone else's. All I know is that it's the best off roading you can do. You just never know if that impact causes you to detour or it causes them to have the motivation to move forward.

Having the strength to allow them in is the hardest part….

My heart has softened. I've been waiting so long. Thank you.


"I've heard it saidThat people come into our lives for a reasonBringing something we must learnAnd we are ledTo those who help us most to growIf we let themAnd we help them in returnWell, I don't know if I believe that's trueBut I know I'm who I am todayBecause I knew you
I have been changed for good"

The Perfect Blossom is a Rare Thing

I've been pretty overwhelmed with life's little uncertainties lately. I can't help but worry, wonder or try to over analyze…everything.

My worrisome attitude ebbs and flows constantly. At this moment I'm at peace though. Calm and collected while it rushes around me. Life is so beautifully messy it's a wonder why I tried so hard to color in the lines when I was little.

I'm still unsure about pretty much everything in my path right now but I'm learning to alleviate some of the negative focus. Spending too much time worrying, contemplating instead of doing makes your life so nonliving.

I will always worry I am built this way but each day I am also being built to be content. Not to stand for less but to embrace what I have been given. Faith that friendships with those that are real truly are a rarity and should be held onto forever, hugs from certain people make you feel more safe that you ever thought, looking inside yourself for strength can change a situation completely and faith in life is what makes things so complicated yet so unbelievably worth it.

"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."

I am humbled, blessed and amazingly thankful of the world I have been given

Learning

I must be lacking faith.

I find that when I feel like everything is going wrong, I'm overly stressed or I say things I shouldn't be saying is when I have become selfish in my life and diverted onto a path that becomes me oriented. This is when if I stop to take a look, my faith has diminished.

Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in those around me.

I'm a control freak. It's a horrible attribute that can consume all aspects of your life. Add the fear of not succeeding plus an opinionated personality and it equals an eventual meltdown of massive proportions. Each time I rebuild myself a little differently. Depending on the outcome I build more or less opinions, build more fear or lack of fear but I never seem to change that control attribute. I am not proud of this, in fact I it is an absolute disgust really. I know I'm too independent, opinionated at times too, this frustrated people. It frustrates me that it frustrates people. It's a Catch-22. They think you can hold your own so they don't interfere, yet the reason you have become this way is because no one was ever backing you up. It's humorous how much we seek other's approval even when we don't realize it until its probably too late.

All I can figure is that I am build this way for some reason. The people I do care about, you know it. I never back down even if they are wrong. I never leave you out there alone and I always do my best to show you I love you. What I'm realizing is that to some this may never be enough. That just because you do this doesn't mean you get the same in return. I accept this and accept the consequences of my actions. I accept them due to a faith that it will all be okay. Worrying gets you no where, perhaps on your face if anywhere. Fighting gives your bruises but perhaps may solve something even if it's not the outcome you hoped for. Disrespect leaves you empty.

I'm still learning, in so many areas. Learning to trust my intellect with school. Learning to love myself even when I feel I shouldn't. Learning not to chase after the train wreck that passes you by. Learning people will surprise you in both hurtful ways and beautiful ways. Learning that I don't have a clue….and that that is okay.

That's the hardest one.

Weeding Out

Why do we always become fixated on the negative aspects of things surrounding our life? Is this due to the faith we slightly lose when we become fools in areas we should pay better attention?

All I know is myself. Compiling a list of pros and cons detailing attributes of my life, showing how truly blessed I am but no matter how small the con column is, there is it. That one thing festering. That makes the entire sheet look like a big red FAIL has been stamped upon it.

Perhaps given this much emotion behind it due to the build up of evidence. I'm mentally exhausted of being right in these terms. People state I'm too smart, if I was, I'd know how to control my feelings. I'd know when to shield sweet nothing talks that don't have behaviors that back them up.

I learned last night you have to weed out a lot before you can even catch a glimpse of what you might be looking for and even then there are no guarantees. I learned last night that even those related to you will continue to think like a guy because it is true that even after they see the repercussions of the damage, they will in fact do the same thing to someone else. I learned last night that I have some of the best girl friends in the world and I love them without a doubt wholeheartedly.

"The only man a girl can depend on is a daddy."

...I hope that's not all.

Focus

How you can lose it before you realize it's gone. Laziness, a good looking guy, or fear overpowers the picture in your head.

Over the years independence has definitely been something that has molded my decisions, choices and paths in life. But I have to admit having fewer and fewer cheerleaders on the sidelines make it more difficult to be focused on things you once only dreamed about.

I've developed this sense of thin film around myself that constantly states "everything will be okay" and I can't help but believe this most of the time. I don't cry a lot. I don't express emotions how I think I'm suppose to sometimes.

I don't know if this is a malfunction I developed through growing up given whatever circumstances. Along the road I developed the ability to understand emotions, pinpoint a root; I suppose it's simply the expression part I got confused about.

Whatever it is, I find currently the lack of focus. Adapting into a period of life that in my head I know isn't for me forever but for this moment it places on hold my focus. I do not know if this is a positive or negative thing or it's deemed to be either or. Perhaps it simply is. A fleeting collection of moments that with time will come full circle and I will be back on the road I think I'm suppose to be taking.

I feel it. It nudges me more often. I see it in a face. I yearn for that force.

Perhaps how much I hate to admit it….
No matter how focused, no matter how independent, even I need someone close to me to notice and encourage a little pep talk.

Zigging or Zagging

Fate.
Does it exist?

Are there signs that point you in a direction that you were suppose to go all along?

Attributes of those you've encountered.
Feelings lost.

I've been told that I take prying. That I'm Stonewall and that at times I am difficult. I know this. I'm not proud of it and if we were to have disclaimers before you meet someone mine would somewhere along the lines state that you have to stick around a while in order to get inside my head. It's a character flaw I can't seem to brush off.

I had a discussion the other evening with someone that I indirectly came to be friends with. I don't try to figure out its meaning or its purpose but I am thankful. Through our discussion the concept of it having to be a rigorous process to live up to his standards came up. I often feel like I'm talking to myself when I'm talking to him, and for a moment I don't feel crazy for being me.

Call it selfishness or call it attempting to look out but the 'rigorous process' in our heads seems to make sense. Who knows if this is true and how obnoxious it sounds that I still feel like I have a par to compete with. I know I'm not alone in the aspect of having friends simply disappear, bad choices or decisions or being the only one to have to pick up the pieces of your heart when the person that shattered it walks away.

So perhaps time really is all we have. Hoping you can make it to finish line without the clock running out. Hoping you zigged or zagged when you were suppose too. Hoping that even if you did get off track you always manage to find your way back.

Four Square

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in." - Tuesdays with Morrie

I have been experiencing a selfish phase lately. Not exactly acting on it but fighting the urges to throw a temper tantrum and be seven years old again. I don't recall making them at seven years old but I'm assuming I did, I made them when I was fourteen so who are we kidding.

I'm learning to be more accepting of the situations around me. It's embarrassing to admit however I am not. I tolerate them because honestly speaking they have not a thing to do with me. It's like watching the four square game on the playground that you didn't get picked to play in but in reality, you never either A) wanted to play to begin with or B) didn't stand in the row to BE picked. So watching is your own fault, you have no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you once thought the world revolved around you so much that even if you were playing tetherball those playing four square would come get you to play.

When these thoughts started crossing my mind I do not know. Perhaps due to the constant strain on relationships in my "trying to find myself" stay in Florida is what triggered this attitude. I felt that last to be picked for kickball mentality too many times but with that humiliation came the realization that chances are I didn't want to play anyway. I didn't understand the rules of the game or from where I came from we had different rules. Not that I couldn't adapt to new rules but I didn't understand that concept of on some days you play by a set of rules and another day you don't. I eventually came to realize that it didn't matter. We all have out moments. Our moments that we are mean, forgetful, kindred spirits, laughing till we cry, selfish, loving and not the example we hope to leave behind. We are human.

That being realized the selfish judgment I bestowed on others should rightly be accused at myself. I saw myself doing it again recently; luckily I'm getting better at reading myself and thus can smack myself before a mouthful of disdain erupts. However I'm rarely 'openly' selfish and for that I don't apologize when I am. I often come out of it with more understanding and thus given the ability to fully display my love for another in a new way.

I suck at life sometimes. I expect to. I wouldn't want it any other way, with out it one can't realize that your life is fleeting. I recently finished a book and the last line of the book was something to this effect "Better then them forgetting me, I want them to pretend I never existed. I was already dead when I was born, therefore I was never truly alive" I cant imagine feeling that way, it breaks my heart to know someone does. How unbelievably selfish we are to hear children saying these things and for them to go unnoticed.

I sit here ashamed of the selfish, judging thoughts once swirling in my head. Thankful that they are diminishing and humbled that God has enough patience with me to smack me around when I need it but also understand that I am in fact trying. That I will mess up but I try my hardest to make the best comeback.