Learning

I must be lacking faith.

I find that when I feel like everything is going wrong, I'm overly stressed or I say things I shouldn't be saying is when I have become selfish in my life and diverted onto a path that becomes me oriented. This is when if I stop to take a look, my faith has diminished.

Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in those around me.

I'm a control freak. It's a horrible attribute that can consume all aspects of your life. Add the fear of not succeeding plus an opinionated personality and it equals an eventual meltdown of massive proportions. Each time I rebuild myself a little differently. Depending on the outcome I build more or less opinions, build more fear or lack of fear but I never seem to change that control attribute. I am not proud of this, in fact I it is an absolute disgust really. I know I'm too independent, opinionated at times too, this frustrated people. It frustrates me that it frustrates people. It's a Catch-22. They think you can hold your own so they don't interfere, yet the reason you have become this way is because no one was ever backing you up. It's humorous how much we seek other's approval even when we don't realize it until its probably too late.

All I can figure is that I am build this way for some reason. The people I do care about, you know it. I never back down even if they are wrong. I never leave you out there alone and I always do my best to show you I love you. What I'm realizing is that to some this may never be enough. That just because you do this doesn't mean you get the same in return. I accept this and accept the consequences of my actions. I accept them due to a faith that it will all be okay. Worrying gets you no where, perhaps on your face if anywhere. Fighting gives your bruises but perhaps may solve something even if it's not the outcome you hoped for. Disrespect leaves you empty.

I'm still learning, in so many areas. Learning to trust my intellect with school. Learning to love myself even when I feel I shouldn't. Learning not to chase after the train wreck that passes you by. Learning people will surprise you in both hurtful ways and beautiful ways. Learning that I don't have a clue….and that that is okay.

That's the hardest one.

Weeding Out

Why do we always become fixated on the negative aspects of things surrounding our life? Is this due to the faith we slightly lose when we become fools in areas we should pay better attention?

All I know is myself. Compiling a list of pros and cons detailing attributes of my life, showing how truly blessed I am but no matter how small the con column is, there is it. That one thing festering. That makes the entire sheet look like a big red FAIL has been stamped upon it.

Perhaps given this much emotion behind it due to the build up of evidence. I'm mentally exhausted of being right in these terms. People state I'm too smart, if I was, I'd know how to control my feelings. I'd know when to shield sweet nothing talks that don't have behaviors that back them up.

I learned last night you have to weed out a lot before you can even catch a glimpse of what you might be looking for and even then there are no guarantees. I learned last night that even those related to you will continue to think like a guy because it is true that even after they see the repercussions of the damage, they will in fact do the same thing to someone else. I learned last night that I have some of the best girl friends in the world and I love them without a doubt wholeheartedly.

"The only man a girl can depend on is a daddy."

...I hope that's not all.

Focus

How you can lose it before you realize it's gone. Laziness, a good looking guy, or fear overpowers the picture in your head.

Over the years independence has definitely been something that has molded my decisions, choices and paths in life. But I have to admit having fewer and fewer cheerleaders on the sidelines make it more difficult to be focused on things you once only dreamed about.

I've developed this sense of thin film around myself that constantly states "everything will be okay" and I can't help but believe this most of the time. I don't cry a lot. I don't express emotions how I think I'm suppose to sometimes.

I don't know if this is a malfunction I developed through growing up given whatever circumstances. Along the road I developed the ability to understand emotions, pinpoint a root; I suppose it's simply the expression part I got confused about.

Whatever it is, I find currently the lack of focus. Adapting into a period of life that in my head I know isn't for me forever but for this moment it places on hold my focus. I do not know if this is a positive or negative thing or it's deemed to be either or. Perhaps it simply is. A fleeting collection of moments that with time will come full circle and I will be back on the road I think I'm suppose to be taking.

I feel it. It nudges me more often. I see it in a face. I yearn for that force.

Perhaps how much I hate to admit it….
No matter how focused, no matter how independent, even I need someone close to me to notice and encourage a little pep talk.

Zigging or Zagging

Fate.
Does it exist?

Are there signs that point you in a direction that you were suppose to go all along?

Attributes of those you've encountered.
Feelings lost.

I've been told that I take prying. That I'm Stonewall and that at times I am difficult. I know this. I'm not proud of it and if we were to have disclaimers before you meet someone mine would somewhere along the lines state that you have to stick around a while in order to get inside my head. It's a character flaw I can't seem to brush off.

I had a discussion the other evening with someone that I indirectly came to be friends with. I don't try to figure out its meaning or its purpose but I am thankful. Through our discussion the concept of it having to be a rigorous process to live up to his standards came up. I often feel like I'm talking to myself when I'm talking to him, and for a moment I don't feel crazy for being me.

Call it selfishness or call it attempting to look out but the 'rigorous process' in our heads seems to make sense. Who knows if this is true and how obnoxious it sounds that I still feel like I have a par to compete with. I know I'm not alone in the aspect of having friends simply disappear, bad choices or decisions or being the only one to have to pick up the pieces of your heart when the person that shattered it walks away.

So perhaps time really is all we have. Hoping you can make it to finish line without the clock running out. Hoping you zigged or zagged when you were suppose too. Hoping that even if you did get off track you always manage to find your way back.

Four Square

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in." - Tuesdays with Morrie

I have been experiencing a selfish phase lately. Not exactly acting on it but fighting the urges to throw a temper tantrum and be seven years old again. I don't recall making them at seven years old but I'm assuming I did, I made them when I was fourteen so who are we kidding.

I'm learning to be more accepting of the situations around me. It's embarrassing to admit however I am not. I tolerate them because honestly speaking they have not a thing to do with me. It's like watching the four square game on the playground that you didn't get picked to play in but in reality, you never either A) wanted to play to begin with or B) didn't stand in the row to BE picked. So watching is your own fault, you have no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you once thought the world revolved around you so much that even if you were playing tetherball those playing four square would come get you to play.

When these thoughts started crossing my mind I do not know. Perhaps due to the constant strain on relationships in my "trying to find myself" stay in Florida is what triggered this attitude. I felt that last to be picked for kickball mentality too many times but with that humiliation came the realization that chances are I didn't want to play anyway. I didn't understand the rules of the game or from where I came from we had different rules. Not that I couldn't adapt to new rules but I didn't understand that concept of on some days you play by a set of rules and another day you don't. I eventually came to realize that it didn't matter. We all have out moments. Our moments that we are mean, forgetful, kindred spirits, laughing till we cry, selfish, loving and not the example we hope to leave behind. We are human.

That being realized the selfish judgment I bestowed on others should rightly be accused at myself. I saw myself doing it again recently; luckily I'm getting better at reading myself and thus can smack myself before a mouthful of disdain erupts. However I'm rarely 'openly' selfish and for that I don't apologize when I am. I often come out of it with more understanding and thus given the ability to fully display my love for another in a new way.

I suck at life sometimes. I expect to. I wouldn't want it any other way, with out it one can't realize that your life is fleeting. I recently finished a book and the last line of the book was something to this effect "Better then them forgetting me, I want them to pretend I never existed. I was already dead when I was born, therefore I was never truly alive" I cant imagine feeling that way, it breaks my heart to know someone does. How unbelievably selfish we are to hear children saying these things and for them to go unnoticed.

I sit here ashamed of the selfish, judging thoughts once swirling in my head. Thankful that they are diminishing and humbled that God has enough patience with me to smack me around when I need it but also understand that I am in fact trying. That I will mess up but I try my hardest to make the best comeback.

Defining

Lately I have been rather infatuated with 'moments' in time. Those slices of time that happen when you forget your camera. This weekend's moment was crossing Keystone Lake as the sun set. Perfection no matter what the weather forecast consists of. I don't know what it is about this setting but every time I cross it, those few minutes put into perspective the recent activity of my life. For those few moments it causes me to take a deep breath inhaling beauty and exhaling worry, as if they are being thrown over the bridge into the water to fade away.

Having a renewed sense of living coming or going knowing that in a few days I'll cross it again and do it all over. I love these moments. I crave these moments. I realize they are far and few between and for that I am thankful that I always have the constant one put in my path to reach other towns.

They say a moment can define you. I'm not sure I believe that, it's the ones after that do. The reaction, the consequence, the aftermath of emotion. So perhaps it's a series of moments that define you. I'm still debating.

I got compared to Holly Golightly the other evening. Although my initial reaction was of gratitude that someone would compare me to Audrey Hepburn I realize that after this moment passed, the next moment was of my analyzing this concept (which lets face it, gets me in more trouble that I would ever imagine at times). Whereas realizing that this truth wasn't particularly positive. Given she is wonderful, beautiful, quirky and intelligent but along with that is rather unknowable.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

And I must admit although I believe these things, I lack belief in them for myself. Hence my friends comparison I would presume. I have reasons to lack but am beginning to see those were moments defining me without realization. To which I now simply state and believe there will be that moment when it knocks down the rest of the moments, overpowers the lack and sweeps me off my feet.

Cashing in

There are moments in life when you realize that things will never be the same. There are no 'do overs', 'spaces back' or 'do not pass go' turns. The first time you tie your shoe, the feeling you get when you graduate college, the experience in the real world when you realize being a grown up has far more consequences than you originally thought.

I've always had a mouth. I was sent to the principals office the first day of kindergarten, had a special desk next to the teacher in more then one class and again in high school visited the main office and detention. I had more then one altercation with those deemed authority figures since I knew how to speak. Be it at a church camp or a work place I always knew where I stood and it didn't matter to me if others didn't see it that way. I find as you get older the consequences for speaking up aren't always how you think even if in your heart you know it was right. Shaking the hierarchy totem pole isn't something I often intend to do however I always seem to deem my opinion worthy of an appearance. Chances are it probably isn't the time or the place. Chances are...I say something anyway.

I rarely feel apologetic for standing up for myself. I felt that way recently though, sadly in the one situation where no person should ever feel that way. Have we as the world become so non sympathetic to the people in our daily lives that respect, professionalism and loyalty are non-existent?

No wonder we as people are so scared of the life we have been given. A life so precious, wasted on fears that that we will be overcome with ridicule, judgment and hatred of those around us. All I can say is for a brief moment I knew what it was like to feel two inches tall, want to retract a statement I made and become transparent. Luckily it was only a moment but that moment ignited something in me realizing being a grown up isn't an even trade for cashing in on Mickey Mouse pancakes, pig tails, and bedtime stories.