Four Square

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in." - Tuesdays with Morrie

I have been experiencing a selfish phase lately. Not exactly acting on it but fighting the urges to throw a temper tantrum and be seven years old again. I don't recall making them at seven years old but I'm assuming I did, I made them when I was fourteen so who are we kidding.

I'm learning to be more accepting of the situations around me. It's embarrassing to admit however I am not. I tolerate them because honestly speaking they have not a thing to do with me. It's like watching the four square game on the playground that you didn't get picked to play in but in reality, you never either A) wanted to play to begin with or B) didn't stand in the row to BE picked. So watching is your own fault, you have no one to blame but yourself and the fact that you once thought the world revolved around you so much that even if you were playing tetherball those playing four square would come get you to play.

When these thoughts started crossing my mind I do not know. Perhaps due to the constant strain on relationships in my "trying to find myself" stay in Florida is what triggered this attitude. I felt that last to be picked for kickball mentality too many times but with that humiliation came the realization that chances are I didn't want to play anyway. I didn't understand the rules of the game or from where I came from we had different rules. Not that I couldn't adapt to new rules but I didn't understand that concept of on some days you play by a set of rules and another day you don't. I eventually came to realize that it didn't matter. We all have out moments. Our moments that we are mean, forgetful, kindred spirits, laughing till we cry, selfish, loving and not the example we hope to leave behind. We are human.

That being realized the selfish judgment I bestowed on others should rightly be accused at myself. I saw myself doing it again recently; luckily I'm getting better at reading myself and thus can smack myself before a mouthful of disdain erupts. However I'm rarely 'openly' selfish and for that I don't apologize when I am. I often come out of it with more understanding and thus given the ability to fully display my love for another in a new way.

I suck at life sometimes. I expect to. I wouldn't want it any other way, with out it one can't realize that your life is fleeting. I recently finished a book and the last line of the book was something to this effect "Better then them forgetting me, I want them to pretend I never existed. I was already dead when I was born, therefore I was never truly alive" I cant imagine feeling that way, it breaks my heart to know someone does. How unbelievably selfish we are to hear children saying these things and for them to go unnoticed.

I sit here ashamed of the selfish, judging thoughts once swirling in my head. Thankful that they are diminishing and humbled that God has enough patience with me to smack me around when I need it but also understand that I am in fact trying. That I will mess up but I try my hardest to make the best comeback.

Defining

Lately I have been rather infatuated with 'moments' in time. Those slices of time that happen when you forget your camera. This weekend's moment was crossing Keystone Lake as the sun set. Perfection no matter what the weather forecast consists of. I don't know what it is about this setting but every time I cross it, those few minutes put into perspective the recent activity of my life. For those few moments it causes me to take a deep breath inhaling beauty and exhaling worry, as if they are being thrown over the bridge into the water to fade away.

Having a renewed sense of living coming or going knowing that in a few days I'll cross it again and do it all over. I love these moments. I crave these moments. I realize they are far and few between and for that I am thankful that I always have the constant one put in my path to reach other towns.

They say a moment can define you. I'm not sure I believe that, it's the ones after that do. The reaction, the consequence, the aftermath of emotion. So perhaps it's a series of moments that define you. I'm still debating.

I got compared to Holly Golightly the other evening. Although my initial reaction was of gratitude that someone would compare me to Audrey Hepburn I realize that after this moment passed, the next moment was of my analyzing this concept (which lets face it, gets me in more trouble that I would ever imagine at times). Whereas realizing that this truth wasn't particularly positive. Given she is wonderful, beautiful, quirky and intelligent but along with that is rather unknowable.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

And I must admit although I believe these things, I lack belief in them for myself. Hence my friends comparison I would presume. I have reasons to lack but am beginning to see those were moments defining me without realization. To which I now simply state and believe there will be that moment when it knocks down the rest of the moments, overpowers the lack and sweeps me off my feet.

Cashing in

There are moments in life when you realize that things will never be the same. There are no 'do overs', 'spaces back' or 'do not pass go' turns. The first time you tie your shoe, the feeling you get when you graduate college, the experience in the real world when you realize being a grown up has far more consequences than you originally thought.

I've always had a mouth. I was sent to the principals office the first day of kindergarten, had a special desk next to the teacher in more then one class and again in high school visited the main office and detention. I had more then one altercation with those deemed authority figures since I knew how to speak. Be it at a church camp or a work place I always knew where I stood and it didn't matter to me if others didn't see it that way. I find as you get older the consequences for speaking up aren't always how you think even if in your heart you know it was right. Shaking the hierarchy totem pole isn't something I often intend to do however I always seem to deem my opinion worthy of an appearance. Chances are it probably isn't the time or the place. Chances are...I say something anyway.

I rarely feel apologetic for standing up for myself. I felt that way recently though, sadly in the one situation where no person should ever feel that way. Have we as the world become so non sympathetic to the people in our daily lives that respect, professionalism and loyalty are non-existent?

No wonder we as people are so scared of the life we have been given. A life so precious, wasted on fears that that we will be overcome with ridicule, judgment and hatred of those around us. All I can say is for a brief moment I knew what it was like to feel two inches tall, want to retract a statement I made and become transparent. Luckily it was only a moment but that moment ignited something in me realizing being a grown up isn't an even trade for cashing in on Mickey Mouse pancakes, pig tails, and bedtime stories.

Instrumental

Patience has eluded me once again. If it is one thing I have to learn it is not to fast forward the particulars. I have the uncanny ability to come off as brash, harming an already battered ego. I can only hope that with retribution I also have the ability to hold a soul for safe keeping at the proper moment.

I'm convinced that my favorite piece of instrumental music is what love feels like. Since I have nothing concrete to compare it to in human form I protect this vision and hold it tightly. It's the only moment in time where I can close my eyes and get lost in the nothingness of everything. Although this is the most beautiful experience my heart knows these days I find sadness creeping in. Tainting and tarnishing the effects. Reality defies itself more quickly after the last note is played.

I suppose this is due to wanting it to be tangible, not a melodic sequence played to a hypothetical life inside my dreams. The gliding of notes becoming a safe and familiar hug. The forte of sounds becoming an array of physical emotions bursting forth. The resonance of the finale becoming a burning look branding my heart.

Until I experience this first hand I will continue to close my eyes and fight the reality. Fading further and further into Gods grace. The grace to allow me to dream.

Nanoseconds

I have been blessed enough to experience Gods beauty in terms of man- made structures turned into Sin City, natural formations that take your breath away and human interaction at its closest all in one week. When you view a natural wonder of the world, grasping the fact that it has been there for millions and millions of years puts human existence into a nanosecond time frame.

With that being said I simply hope that I can make my nanosecond existence full of impact, bursting with emotion that tears at the seams of life. Not showering for a few days, having constant goose bumps, the freak sand storm and the various scratches and wounds leave me with the notion that we are here for such a small amount of time and the particulars won't matter in the next brief moment.

Viewing the night sky in the depths of surrounding canyons with the only noise being rushing water is by far one of Gods biggest and most magnificent beauties that cannot be expressed even by the best writers, artists or musicians. Playing in the rain comes in second of course.

Water cutting through rocks thus making such intricate exquisiteness and perfection leaves me in awe as to why I can't manage to accomplish an array of simple tasks. Course I don't have a million years or the uncontrollable force of nature.

God leaves me breathless often but this past week has reaffirmed a faith that anything is possible thus the yearning to make a feeble attempt at living my nanosecond life like rushing water with no holds barred.

Paint Blotches

"Why would you want to give all of this up?"

Sadly humorous when a third party sheds light on your world and sees things that you were so selfishly trying to deny. No matter how small they are. With that being said, I have once again become a fan of back yard lawn chairs, vast emptiness and lightening bugs.

I daydream too much lately. Often left with unanswered questions that in reality, don't even need answering, just a pondering of thoughts that tease emotions. I find that after the whirlwind of tangents, memories and far fetched scenarios I'm often more equipped than I originally thought.

I feel as though those intertwined with my life for so long are fading away. Perhaps not a fade but a hue of color that might not match my current blotch. And for this, life changes. Leaving open spots for the hand that intertwines with mine that it leaves me breathless, the friend that just knows, the roommate that laughs hysterically when you trip over the chair and that sigh of relief when you finally accept that it is all wonderful.

Lifes beauty...ever changing.

*sigh*

"You search much deeper within through the way things appear youre looking into my heart" - Matt Redman

Blessed with capes made of blankets, bad days that you smile at the end, a car that is having oil issues but a car nonetheless, friends that come to visit, a that hug by a parent that heals for that moment.

Chinese water torture

Being in an insomnia-like state of mind every few months is not something that pleases me. I find it is often when something is plaguing my mind however the non-humorous joke that is played on me is the fact that I do not know this something and until I uncover it I am left with sleepless nights, early mornings where putting contacts in feels like Chinese water torture and I long for the ability to down coffee like a 9-5er.

Eventually I must always figure it out because it goes away. That or I crash and my body wins out over my mind to withstand another day. Either way I long for that moment.

The future being so vast full of so many choices, decisions and opportunities but each day falling further and further away becoming tinier as the sun sets. Perhaps because I stopped chasing it, perhaps because the choices I deem honorable aren't right for me. Probably not the latter, that simply being a cop out rather then taking responsibility for the world I have created for myself.

Humility always occurs with the understanding that only when I lack what I'm searching for is when I gain what I need. Needing not always what I want and not always accepting what I'm given. Not always pleased by the outcome but grateful I was given an outcome nonetheless, at least after a while. Call that stubbornness. I'm hoping with time I will outgrow that. I hope with time I will outgrow a lot of things.

I want to impact. Currently I feel I do not.