Heartbrokenness Makes Everything Blurry

It’s been five months since my last writing. It’s been almost three months since I took a ring off my finger and gave it back to a man that was full of lies. It’s been one month since I cried so hard I couldn’t feel myself breathe. Those times are far and fewer between as time passes. I do wonder however when they will go away completely. I do not regret my decision to end a relationship that I was clearly naïve about. I do find myself considering the next time I will let someone see my heart will be much more difficult.

I still have a no alternations required wedding dress hanging in a shiny bag in my parents’ closet. I still have bridesmaid’s dresses with tags still attached in my closet however I also have a void in my heart. I want to be angry at the person that did this but I find that those around me take care of that for me; maybe that’s why I feel no anger anymore. I feel empty.

People say I’m strong and perhaps because of this label people assume I bounce back quickly. I have no doubts I will one day bounce back but at this present moment I have no explanation of how I ‘feel’ the majority of the time. “Fine” is the generic term most prefer to hear anyway so I leave it at that.

One thing that has come from all of this is the realization that the façade of toughness wears off when you crawl into bed and no longer have anyone to say goodnight too, the loneliness sets in when you no longer have anyone to share in a celebration of educational success with, and the cynicism is hard to resist when you are watching the world move on without you.

Heartbrokenness makes everything blurry. Sounds, smells, images. They all run together and I keep waiting for that moment when the rush breaks through and everything is bright again. Faith, Hope, and Love however still remain.

Faith that one day my heart will be cared for as it deserves.
Hope that I won’t be so broken I’ll miss it.
Love that embraces every single part of me like armor.

Faith Hope Love

I haven’t written in a long time. I notice a change in my toleration when I haven’t written in a while. It’s a new year, and I start off every year with a recap of the previous.

2009:
- A year filled with hard realizations, love found, and faith that was tested.

I went back to school. I got a cat (who would have guessed that one?) I got engaged. I had a health scare. I got booted from my job of 5 years.

Live has been full of unexpected mountains this past year. I am however truly blessed.

I had a summer full of baseball stadiums, a birthday with friends & family, a sparkly ring, a superhero for Halloween and a kiss to ring in the New Year.

I have been listening to a lot of Etta James, Nikki Costa, Joss Stone and the like lately. Maybe I feel soulful? Maybe I just feel thankful.

2010 is a fresh start.

I have a new job. I will have a husband. I will have a new chapter of my life opened.

I broke a few months ago. The stress of life became too much, this doesn’t happen to me often. I usually perform well under stress, I need a little of it to feel motivation. However when you get engaged, have pre-cancerous cells diagnosed and then removed, lose your job, all in three months you find yourself wondering what exactly the Big Guy is trying to tell you.

It took me some time to figure it out. I had been lacking. Lacking attention to Him. I thought, how could I be blessed with a lovely man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me only to find out that life could be taken away? Then to add some salt to the wound, let’s let you go from a job that you were very loyal too. I was bitter. I admit it.

So as 2010 starts, I find myself healthy and conscious of routine checkups, employed where I am taken seriously even without a penis and I have purchased the perfect wedding dress. Sometimes it has to rain to shine and it has to storm to wash away the dirt.

I feel renewed. Do I still have hints of being scared? Absolutely.

And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13

Adam and Eve

Life.

I like to think Eve was created because Adam was lonely, but he didn’t realize how lonely he was until he met Eve.

I believe you don’t really see the cracks and contours of life until you encounter even a fleeting moment that is without the one that changes your life.

I used to have this big mental picture in my mind of changing the world. That one day I would make an impact that made everyone else notice. This was until someone made an impact on mine that caused spaces in time to be more special and life changing then big mental pictures.

I look back to my days in college, in ....Florida.... and realize how ridiculous my world was. I am amazed to think back of my behavior, that I even cared or how I almost went over the edge where I wasn’t me anymore. One of my proudest moments is when I walked away. I came in with a best friend, and left with a best friend. Every other person that I considered to be a close friend I am no longer in contact with. Perhaps a hello catered to a now acquaintance.

We all make choices and chances are we make the choices that make our environment easiest to survive in. I am finally blessed to have an environment that doesn’t make me have to choose.

Growing up, my reality was not like those of the kind I encounter now. I am humbled at the decisions and hills of those that I consider my world now had to go through. I find this gives me a rather naïve reputation but I also find that it brings a refreshing quality to all of us.

I do not tolerate things I used to. I do not tolerate gossip that is of no use, laughter that stings and harshness that in the end only makes me look tarnished.

I need sunshine to feed my soul, I always have. It became ironic that the sunshine state took the very light out of me. I had my first breath of summer a couple days ago and felt such a renewing spirit that I had the giggles all day. It felt good to return to myself.

Myself that has a full happy heart, good true friends, and that moment of solitude that isn’t loneliness.

A year in review

A Year In Review.
I rang in the new year with a guy that has stolen my heart.
He continued to run away with it in Feburary.
Doggie sitting and a birthday came in March.
April was met with a phone call in the Chicago airport with four days later my person making a decision to save her life. I'm proud of her and back her up no matter how many people fall to the curb.
May introuduced me to my first year of graduate school behind me.
June became hard. The colleague I work the closet with took his own life on a Tuesday morning. I did not cry for three weeks. I didn't sleep either. Please vist www.twloha.com if you are struggling with depression and/or suicide. On a brighter note I celebrated one year with my love and he took me to see Phantom of the Opera.
July 4th weekend was witinessing Albert Pujols' 300th homerun, the Cubs/Cardinals showdown and the aftermath of natural disasters.
Augst I took the worst plane trip of my life with someone terrified to fly. This plane ride did not curb her fears.
September was spend with my best guy, my best friend, and my family. Turning 26 wasn't so bad.
October I got to be Wilma Flinstone, go to the circus, and see NBA players.
Novemeber I rocked out Irish style to Dropkick Murphys, experienced my first OU football game and spent Thanksgiving with family and people without family.
December I decorated my very own Christmas tree. I packed my work boxes into my own office and I rang in the New Year once again with my guy.
Alot happened in 2008. Do I have regrets? A couple.I could have prayed more, listened more, stressed less and worried less. I find my favorite moments come from cuddles on the couch with my guy, Sex And The City dvds with my bestie, Sunday movies with my mom, Chines food with my dad, and lunch with my brother.

25 hours

By the time I was 26 I thought I would have a little more figured out then I have. I suppose sitting and thinking about it all however, I have figured out some things, just not what I was originally planning on.

I feel I am at a sort of crossroads, a sort of 'should I stay or should I go?' and either way it won't be the end of the world. Either way I have a family that supports me, a man that loves me and a best friend that is still to far away.

I feel like in terms of pay checks, authority, and independence I've dropped the ball somewhere. Somewhere I jumped off the train that was heading to "Lacey's Planned Out Future" and got off on the stops of "Not Without You" and "Unexpected Situations"

At first…I was okay with this, I mean life is about new adventures right? I guess when you start to feel kicked around, over looked and downright manipulated you kinda wish the decisions you made to help could be reversed.

I've hit plenty of rocks on the road I had always envisioned…

I've never been at a stand still…

Now here I am…standing…still… while going through the motions of someone that has to get 25 hours stuffed into 24. My concern is not that 25 hours do not fit in 24, my concern is they are no longer my 25 hours.

This is one of those times you search for something and realize you already know the answer but there are consquences.

**Faith...having to be restored

"We had no knowledge that our lives had just changed. You seldom sit at a
crossroads and know it's a crossroads." Alex Raffe

Light

I usually write to dispense pain. I find I lack that lately for the most part and in a strange way I feel like I lost a part of myself. Perhaps this is simply because I have the ability to relate to pain, sadness and dark better then explaining happiness.

Jordan gets it; she's dark and twisty like me.

Darkness has been fading daily; however it crept back in last week for a moment. A moment of sheer brokenness. I never knew I could feel that way, I thought I had, but not like that evening. I find since then I'm still slightly fading in and out of dark and light.

I had been in light for so long, although the dark and brokenness is familiar territory I fell further. I figure this is due to knowing light more strongly, more passionately and more consuming that I ever have.

I had lost that emptiness, it was null in void and filled with assurance, trust and confidence. I had been so blessed to have lost that part. Then the thought occurred to me that you never really lose any part of yourself, another side just shines brighter.

I figure you need all that dark and twisty stuff, that whole concept of 'you wouldn't know what good was unless you know what bad was'. The only downside to that is you get darker if by chance that has to occur. One has to hope that you can get lighter afterwards.

Eh, either way I figure its okay.
"The Light shines through the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it." John 1:5

Push

When I was 12 I was mad at my mom for reason pertaining to my brother. She told me that the green eyed monster was around. I immediately felt selfish.

Since then I have never had many run ins with this monster that knocked me down as hard as it did recently.

I find my insecurities shining through more brightly when someone close to me doesn't see them, as if they are self inflicting and saying "see me!, notice me!"

I push. I push myself to do better, work harder, listen more closely, etc. I also seem to push to see how far I can get another to hold on. I don't know why I do this.

I've never had another love me as much I as I am loved at this moment, in the human sense that is other then family. Problem is I'm having a hard time accepting it.

It's like when I feel tremendous guilt and praying seems so….minimal.

I know this love is real because its how I feel when God and I are talking and I feel not worthy enough.

All I can hope is I learn to stop pushing before they finally let go.

…or one day I wake up and feel worthy.

**Blessed**