Light

I usually write to dispense pain. I find I lack that lately for the most part and in a strange way I feel like I lost a part of myself. Perhaps this is simply because I have the ability to relate to pain, sadness and dark better then explaining happiness.

Jordan gets it; she's dark and twisty like me.

Darkness has been fading daily; however it crept back in last week for a moment. A moment of sheer brokenness. I never knew I could feel that way, I thought I had, but not like that evening. I find since then I'm still slightly fading in and out of dark and light.

I had been in light for so long, although the dark and brokenness is familiar territory I fell further. I figure this is due to knowing light more strongly, more passionately and more consuming that I ever have.

I had lost that emptiness, it was null in void and filled with assurance, trust and confidence. I had been so blessed to have lost that part. Then the thought occurred to me that you never really lose any part of yourself, another side just shines brighter.

I figure you need all that dark and twisty stuff, that whole concept of 'you wouldn't know what good was unless you know what bad was'. The only downside to that is you get darker if by chance that has to occur. One has to hope that you can get lighter afterwards.

Eh, either way I figure its okay.
"The Light shines through the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it." John 1:5

Push

When I was 12 I was mad at my mom for reason pertaining to my brother. She told me that the green eyed monster was around. I immediately felt selfish.

Since then I have never had many run ins with this monster that knocked me down as hard as it did recently.

I find my insecurities shining through more brightly when someone close to me doesn't see them, as if they are self inflicting and saying "see me!, notice me!"

I push. I push myself to do better, work harder, listen more closely, etc. I also seem to push to see how far I can get another to hold on. I don't know why I do this.

I've never had another love me as much I as I am loved at this moment, in the human sense that is other then family. Problem is I'm having a hard time accepting it.

It's like when I feel tremendous guilt and praying seems so….minimal.

I know this love is real because its how I feel when God and I are talking and I feel not worthy enough.

All I can hope is I learn to stop pushing before they finally let go.

…or one day I wake up and feel worthy.

**Blessed**

Destiny or Karma

Karma: n.
The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
Fate; destiny.
A distinctive aura, atmosphere, or feeling
Destiny: n.
The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined
A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control
The power or agency thought to predetermine events
I'm not sure if I believe in Karma or not. I used to, seemingly only when something bad happened though. Why is it we believe in a concept of Karma when it's a negative situation but believe in Destiny when it's a positive situation?

By definition destiny determines karma it seems.

I'm the first to admit that when something crappy happens to me, I've been wronged or heard of someone wronged I state "what goes around comes around" and although this is rather petty it is easier to place blame on another to say it's their crappy karma then to admit it might just have been my destiny for it happening.

I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately and I have experienced through observation the 'what goes around' concept to others and find it no more fulfilling when something bad happens to them then when it happened to me. So this leaves me with what about if you don't want to believe it's a 'what goes around' concept? Cause then you get to thinking…is wishing bad karma upon them going to come around to you too?

How do you explain it when a person has followed the rules? When they have loved properly? They have done their best to be kind? How is it their "Destiny" or "Karma" to be sick, heartbroken, battling demons they didn't "ask" for?

Does a Destiny or Karma truly determine who you are as a person? Does it measure your mental strength or your ability to stand tall even when a present concept is crushing you?

I find I have an undeniable strength of self. I always have. Is that a Destiny?

Does one's Destiny have a cause in another's?

..>
"1 So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no one knows whether love or hate awaits them. 2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not." Ecclesiastes 9
"I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is to just be." - Jonathan Larson
Maybe that's all it takes.

Tilt A Whirls

I find that the first writing of a new year is the contemplation of the previous year. 2007 was perhaps my most growing up year. Where I started out feeling 2 inches tall and ended up with peace.

Regrets are tough to get over sometimes but lack of acknowledgment of something bigger and better is worse. I'm happy to say that for the first time, I finally acknowledged another's presence and love for me as true.

Things I learned:
- "No one can make you feel interior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt was a smart lady.
- Snowboarding on ice will indeed bruise your butt and you will need at least two days to heal.
- Having ownership of a business isn't as glamorous as people think.
- Just because you treat someone with respect, don't expect it back. Some simply are selfish.
- A 4.0 in your first year of grad school IS possible
- Having no co signer on a vehicle is empowerment.
- Fenway is even more breathtaking that all the posters, television screenings and posters make it out to be.
- Your parents will always think they know what is best for you…this wont change...ever.
- Faith is restored when all you have left is the ability to be on your knees to pray but not enough strength to stand.
- Fear and worry can overcome you if you don't know who you are. Being lost can be one of the most difficult experiences of a lifetime.

Probably the most important thing:
Healing takes time. Healing hurts. Healing makes you experience every emotion twofold wrapped up in twirl-a-whirl of tears, smiles, sickness and vulnerability.

But every once in a while someone might just come along that even when you don't deserve it, even when you are waiting for them to get sick and all it quits will volunteer to get on the tilt-a-whirl simply because you are on it.

I find this one the most mysterious, the one I fight most and the one I absolutely cannot live without.

I finally let someone get on with me. It changed my life.

Simply Loved

The creative juices only seem to truly flow for me when I cannot consciously wrap my mind around a problem, a sadness or a failure.

I find at this moment I have none of those. Unless you count exhaustion from life a problem. No matter how much I complain, I love it.

I was the cynical believer in love and life. Given previous experiences those close to me could gather why… I find now that perhaps, scratch that, I find that now what I deep down always wanted to believe…I have managed to grasp and hold on to.

My Bobby stopped at the gas station at 3am last Saturday. We had just closed the pub and I was tired and starving. He came back with: "A pizza, a cookie for dessert, a sandwich in case you didn't like the pizza, and donuts, I know how you said you have been wanting donuts with sprinkles and I got extra so you can take one to work too"

I couldn't help but smile.

**Loved**

Sometimes

I find out more and more each day how God has molded me into someone that sees the broken and can't help but want to reach out.

I also find out more and more each day that no matter what you do,
Sometimes it's not enough.
Sometimes they will betray you anyway,
Sometimes you saw something deeper when they didn't,
Sometimes they simply don't want it bad enough.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that my heart isn't filled with that lost puppy need to be loved feeling. I know what love is. I feel it daily. How blessed I am. My heart breaks for those that think they need the over the top spectacles in order to have someone notice them.

From my family when my mom texts me after night class to make sure I got home safely.

To my boyfriend when he leaves me flowers to wish me good luck.

And the sunshine God grants that blinds me when I stay up too late.

Those moments are worth more then choosing what you think you want when in reality you end up hurting another that saw you completely and loved you anyway.

When do you let go? Cut your losses and wish them the best?

I'm humbled by the people that have hurt me but continue to remember me down the line. It makes me feel that perhaps I did something right along the way, whether they saw it at the time or not. I take pride in the fact that it doesn't taint me so deeply it never heals.

I live on about 5 hours of sleep a night, I have trouble saying 'I need help', I still haven't perfected cooking whatsoever, I'm bossy, I have been let down by those I gave the benefit of the doubt….

My life is absolutely beautiful. I find that these dramatics don't matter. I find that seeing a smile I long to see all day long at the end of the day makes up for all of it.

Blessed.

Just Do It

How do you fill a void that has been empty for so long? One that only became a hindrance when someone came along and began to fill it. How do you accept it?

I'm learning everyday that sometimes you have to just take it as it is. A "just do it", a "Geronimo", or a "here goes nothing" of sorts. That not everything is going to make it cave in, that sometimes simply being yourself, is enough.

I'm still often walking around with two left feet, have an "I suck at life" day and at times wish I was six so I could throw a temper tantrum. With all of this I'm learning to accept the warmth that comes when another embraces me, usually only after I freak out about it though. Sorry, I'm working on this.

I'm daydreaming more then ever these days. Perhaps this is where my lack of motivation for many things is coming into play. A glassy eyed bubble that breaks when the office phone rings or I get called on in class. I fear this constant daydreaming is my tool to keep from facing reality.

Usually I'm pretty steady in that fact. Embrace life, headstrong and ready to push through. For the first time in my life, I find that I want to know another's opinion before I get there…

I've been feeling God a lot lately. I'm convinced more then ever that He truly makes Himself even more present when you feel lost or scared. He shines through the stillness, glistens with the rain and embraces me with a hug of one that calms my heart.

The void lessens.