What makes a person undeserving of God's love? From what I have understood, it is nothing. Nothing can make Him stop loving you. He can be disappointed in you, He can hope you make a better decision next time around but all in all, He can in fact never stop loving you.
Why as people we don't have that same urge? Why are there hurdles one must jump, technicalities that hinder a choice and scars that are too ugly to overlook?
I wouldn't view myself as someone that follows the notion of religion but more of a personal relationship with God. I love Jesus, Jesus loves me. I try everyday to be that way. I falter, a lot in how I should be living. I spent a good majority of my college life surrounded by those that call themselves Christians. Along the way I met some wonderful warm hearted people as well as those I will never understand. Those that when something 'taboo' occurs are quick to point out the fault, it is those that remind me why the rest of the world would rather believe in nothing at all.
To this day some still don't talk to me. I used to care. It used to bother me that those I thought I wanted to be like as an 'example' didn't accept me. I realize now it wasn't me. I have friends and loved ones from so many walks of life that I completely adore. I find myself so inquisitive about their experiences, their backgrounds, their thoughts and their faults. If I were to bring these people into the world I knew for three years I have to wonder what these 'examples' would think.
My heart hurts for those that wish they could be different in order to feel acceptance where they once used too. I hope they can see how beautiful they are. I hope they can find the courage to stand on their own two feet and I hope fear does not overcome them causing them to stumble.
I have learned that I will almost always be kind to those that walk in my path even when they are not kind back. It's an annoying 'flaw' I have fought with for a while, I cannot help myself. Even if for a moment I win that fight and I'm able to appear obnoxious, I feel bad and have the need to apologize. I wasn't always like this; all I can figure it is came with growth and that prayer to become a better person. God is tricky sometimes.
So what really makes a person undeserving of love? What makes you so much better then them? What makes you less 'sinful'? What makes you more apt to receive goodness in your life?
Nothing.
So next time you choose to make someone feel worthless cause you don't agree with their scars, their choices or their beliefs, take the time to picture yourself there. I hope you are lucky enough to have someone staring back at you and smiling, not that you deserve it. But that's the thing…
...none of us deserve it. We are blessed to receive it anyway, extend it to someone else
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Urban Outfitters
So anyone that knows me, knows that I'm an online shopping addict. I'm not talking about a shirt here, a baseball cap there. No no my friends, I'm talking over 50% of my closet and surrounding objects throughout the house.
Which leads me to my little story…it's not unusual to have a package for me at the door; if you have lived with me you know this. So as of today I was expecting a package from Urban Outfitters that contained some frames and a mirror. I checked the UPS tracking today….it was to arrive.
I noticed it wasn't on the table or outside today and thought 'hmm where is my package?"
I'm on the phone chit chatting away and I hear a thump outside…so I peer out the peephole and the UPS man is walking away, I open the door and he says "do you want me to bring that inside? The bottom is about to fall out, it's been falling apart all day" I say yes and he brings it inside.
The box is pretty mangled and falling apart and I'm opening it while still talking on the phone and I'm thinking 'gosh whatever this box as been through, I hope none of my stuff is broken' and as I move the air bubbly packages out of the way I see my frames and a box with my mirror…BUT….
As I take a longer look I see boxes that shouldn't be there. Hmm what are they? Eight boxes total…..
I pick one box up and low and behold…..they are centerfire pistol cartridges. A quick add up….yes folks I have just been given 400 bullets. What the !?!
I promptly flipped the box over and saw my Urban Outfitters address was intact.
One box had opened up and there were lose bullets rolling around the bottom of the box, so after placing those back….I'm the proud owner of 397 bullets, for a 45.
Who knew Urban Outfitters sold bullets.
Which leads me to my little story…it's not unusual to have a package for me at the door; if you have lived with me you know this. So as of today I was expecting a package from Urban Outfitters that contained some frames and a mirror. I checked the UPS tracking today….it was to arrive.
I noticed it wasn't on the table or outside today and thought 'hmm where is my package?"
I'm on the phone chit chatting away and I hear a thump outside…so I peer out the peephole and the UPS man is walking away, I open the door and he says "do you want me to bring that inside? The bottom is about to fall out, it's been falling apart all day" I say yes and he brings it inside.
The box is pretty mangled and falling apart and I'm opening it while still talking on the phone and I'm thinking 'gosh whatever this box as been through, I hope none of my stuff is broken' and as I move the air bubbly packages out of the way I see my frames and a box with my mirror…BUT….
As I take a longer look I see boxes that shouldn't be there. Hmm what are they? Eight boxes total…..
I pick one box up and low and behold…..they are centerfire pistol cartridges. A quick add up….yes folks I have just been given 400 bullets. What the !?!
I promptly flipped the box over and saw my Urban Outfitters address was intact.
One box had opened up and there were lose bullets rolling around the bottom of the box, so after placing those back….I'm the proud owner of 397 bullets, for a 45.
Who knew Urban Outfitters sold bullets.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Capstone
Growth….
A month is so fleeting when you get caught up in living. The past few have been…new experiences, bad decisions and scary consequences matched with too much trusting, lack of trusting, vulnerability, loss of direction and path finding.
I lack many things. I would like to believe along with lacking I have developed other traits that will with time cause me to enhance. Or at least learn to be okay with lacking.
I cannot win a game of checkers or paint you a masterpiece. I talk too much or not enough depending on the circumstances. I've been told given my 'being responsible' by default I lack in the fun department at times.
The thing is, I do not need to win at checkers I'm simply glad someone played with me. My painting will never get 'oo's and ahh's' but still possessing imagination is enough. Sometimes the rambling teaches, sometimes silence is golden. And that default I hold…I realize it only bothers you when you feel insecure about yourself and need to attempt to make me feel the same way or you realize that perhaps, I might simply be right for that moment. Either way I don't care about your opinion if all it is meant to do is hurt me.
I find my heart becoming softer, comments of distaste are hollow. The human emotion of having to feel upset but after been said they just don't seem right. Could it be possible that after the initial reaction of something, that is it? There is no need to feel that pain, betrayal, or disdain?
I'm analytical. I pay attention to the little things. I feel bad easily. I crave understanding. All these pieces...annoy me. I love that they are part of me but at the same time I find they are often roots of frustration. I can only assume that these attributes are leading to a final capstone of pure growth that is until next time.
I'm convinced that without all these pieces, I'd be lost.
All I know is I have changed. In situations where my heart would hurt, my mouth would get angry and my mind would replay that moment….my heart fills with compassion, my mouth prays and my mind still replays that moment.
Growth…
A month is so fleeting when you get caught up in living. The past few have been…new experiences, bad decisions and scary consequences matched with too much trusting, lack of trusting, vulnerability, loss of direction and path finding.
I lack many things. I would like to believe along with lacking I have developed other traits that will with time cause me to enhance. Or at least learn to be okay with lacking.
I cannot win a game of checkers or paint you a masterpiece. I talk too much or not enough depending on the circumstances. I've been told given my 'being responsible' by default I lack in the fun department at times.
The thing is, I do not need to win at checkers I'm simply glad someone played with me. My painting will never get 'oo's and ahh's' but still possessing imagination is enough. Sometimes the rambling teaches, sometimes silence is golden. And that default I hold…I realize it only bothers you when you feel insecure about yourself and need to attempt to make me feel the same way or you realize that perhaps, I might simply be right for that moment. Either way I don't care about your opinion if all it is meant to do is hurt me.
I find my heart becoming softer, comments of distaste are hollow. The human emotion of having to feel upset but after been said they just don't seem right. Could it be possible that after the initial reaction of something, that is it? There is no need to feel that pain, betrayal, or disdain?
I'm analytical. I pay attention to the little things. I feel bad easily. I crave understanding. All these pieces...annoy me. I love that they are part of me but at the same time I find they are often roots of frustration. I can only assume that these attributes are leading to a final capstone of pure growth that is until next time.
I'm convinced that without all these pieces, I'd be lost.
All I know is I have changed. In situations where my heart would hurt, my mouth would get angry and my mind would replay that moment….my heart fills with compassion, my mouth prays and my mind still replays that moment.
Growth…
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
2006
2006 came to a close.
Once again a handful of firsts that have left me reevaluating myself in terms of whom I want to be and what I have become. I'm not sure who that is yet but thankful that I was blessed to have another year to figure it out. Here is the summing up of thoughts from 2006.
- I found my brother again. No matter how different we are, it's me and him and always will be. He's my blood and even time can't change that.
- I found that dreaming with your head in the clouds can be the most wonderful exhilarating experience ….at that moment.
- My best friend is better then yours, hands down.
- I found that someone I've only met once has become one of my closet friends and without them perhaps I'd still have a blue scooter but I'm not complaining.
- People will hurt you, it is inevitable. Learn from it, it is not figuring it out why it happened, its figuring out how to move on.
- Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected places and they may just capture your heart.
- My ability to be myself is so much easier then pretending that a part of me doesn't exist.
- Words do sting and they can heal, don't say them unless you mean them.
- It's just as hard to say what we don't need as well as to ask for what we do need
- We are beautiful messes just waiting for the one that sees the beauty.
- Realizing the potential you have and the potential you lack, hoping with time you'll establish it.
- Learning that attributes of yourself that you once thought were flaws could easily be made up to be the most beautiful.
- That if I didn't know what it felt like to hurt, I wouldn't know what it felt like to heal.
- Making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and pots of gold are given to those that are deserving. Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbow, it may be a life but it wouldn't be living.
- Perhaps you gain more when you lose it.
- Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.
- I hope with time I will grow as well as with time I would outgrown things.
**Many have impacted my life, hurting me and loving me. Thank you either way. **
Here is to 2007
Once again a handful of firsts that have left me reevaluating myself in terms of whom I want to be and what I have become. I'm not sure who that is yet but thankful that I was blessed to have another year to figure it out. Here is the summing up of thoughts from 2006.
- I found my brother again. No matter how different we are, it's me and him and always will be. He's my blood and even time can't change that.
- I found that dreaming with your head in the clouds can be the most wonderful exhilarating experience ….at that moment.
- My best friend is better then yours, hands down.
- I found that someone I've only met once has become one of my closet friends and without them perhaps I'd still have a blue scooter but I'm not complaining.
- People will hurt you, it is inevitable. Learn from it, it is not figuring it out why it happened, its figuring out how to move on.
- Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected places and they may just capture your heart.
- My ability to be myself is so much easier then pretending that a part of me doesn't exist.
- Words do sting and they can heal, don't say them unless you mean them.
- It's just as hard to say what we don't need as well as to ask for what we do need
- We are beautiful messes just waiting for the one that sees the beauty.
- Realizing the potential you have and the potential you lack, hoping with time you'll establish it.
- Learning that attributes of yourself that you once thought were flaws could easily be made up to be the most beautiful.
- That if I didn't know what it felt like to hurt, I wouldn't know what it felt like to heal.
- Making mistakes causes tears, leaping off bridges causes scars and pots of gold are given to those that are deserving. Without salt dried cheeks, battle wounds and awestruck rainbow, it may be a life but it wouldn't be living.
- Perhaps you gain more when you lose it.
- Sometimes you have to feel small in order to realize how great you can be.
- I hope with time I will grow as well as with time I would outgrown things.
**Many have impacted my life, hurting me and loving me. Thank you either way. **
Here is to 2007
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Surface Level
So I overanalyze things. Anyone that knows me knows this.
I have gotten better at the reaction I direct to others in accordance to the over analyzing however. Given sometimes my moments aren't perfection. Two weeks ago I smacked a guy for calling me something that wasn't respectful, although everyone else said he deserved it I find my behavior shameful and rude. Reflecting back on it who knows if I would have smacked him again.
What triggers people to suck up, jump off the deep end or slink away into the corner? Is it the environment we as people have set up for certain behaviors and thought processes to be considered overbearing, misused or flat out not necessary or is it a personal thing?
I complicate things a lot, without meaning too. Surface level speaking I'm not complicated. I can talk a lot or not at all. I can be pretty smart about some things and idiotic in other areas. I can get into that zone that it sounds like you're talking to a guy in terms of Boston baseball or college bball just as easily as I'm probably to girly for you as I'm convinced angels sing in shoe stores. This is really all pretty simplistic.
Its afterwards, when you have more then a 20 minute conversation with me that people realize there is probably more to me. I used to try to maintain I was, but …I'm not. I can't help it. I can't change that fact that something will come out of my mouth in a form of observation that surprises you. I can't help that I pay attention. I can't help that it bothers you that I can figure you out. Most times I don't think it's I've figured a person out, I think its someone simply took the time to notice you.
I've discovered you can be very very wrong about a person and the perception you have of them but that fact that you took the time to attempt it means more at times given you didn't misconstrue them to be some psychotic killer or anything. I'm wrong a lot, I say things I shouldn't, I freak out about lots of things and I can be OCD about an array of tasks.
But at the end of the day, I think we are all so much more alike that we realize. We all can stare at the mirror and think "hmm that needs some work", we all have tripped, we all have laughed, we all have become saddened when that person's hand no longer fit with our own and we all have hoped that the one we care for can't stop thinking about us as well.
What I don't get is why we all seem too scared to be complicated because the truth is I can't be simple. I've tried. It didn't suit me. Who wants to be surface level anyway?
I have gotten better at the reaction I direct to others in accordance to the over analyzing however. Given sometimes my moments aren't perfection. Two weeks ago I smacked a guy for calling me something that wasn't respectful, although everyone else said he deserved it I find my behavior shameful and rude. Reflecting back on it who knows if I would have smacked him again.
What triggers people to suck up, jump off the deep end or slink away into the corner? Is it the environment we as people have set up for certain behaviors and thought processes to be considered overbearing, misused or flat out not necessary or is it a personal thing?
I complicate things a lot, without meaning too. Surface level speaking I'm not complicated. I can talk a lot or not at all. I can be pretty smart about some things and idiotic in other areas. I can get into that zone that it sounds like you're talking to a guy in terms of Boston baseball or college bball just as easily as I'm probably to girly for you as I'm convinced angels sing in shoe stores. This is really all pretty simplistic.
Its afterwards, when you have more then a 20 minute conversation with me that people realize there is probably more to me. I used to try to maintain I was, but …I'm not. I can't help it. I can't change that fact that something will come out of my mouth in a form of observation that surprises you. I can't help that I pay attention. I can't help that it bothers you that I can figure you out. Most times I don't think it's I've figured a person out, I think its someone simply took the time to notice you.
I've discovered you can be very very wrong about a person and the perception you have of them but that fact that you took the time to attempt it means more at times given you didn't misconstrue them to be some psychotic killer or anything. I'm wrong a lot, I say things I shouldn't, I freak out about lots of things and I can be OCD about an array of tasks.
But at the end of the day, I think we are all so much more alike that we realize. We all can stare at the mirror and think "hmm that needs some work", we all have tripped, we all have laughed, we all have become saddened when that person's hand no longer fit with our own and we all have hoped that the one we care for can't stop thinking about us as well.
What I don't get is why we all seem too scared to be complicated because the truth is I can't be simple. I've tried. It didn't suit me. Who wants to be surface level anyway?
Monday, December 18, 2006
Christmas Spirit
So Christmas spirit comes and goes for me. At my own house decorations are normally far and few between so I always relied on my parents house to be filled with the yearly Santa Clauses, Christmas lights and stockings. For the first time ever last year my mother announced we were to have a fake tree, I was not a happy girl. Given this alleviated the problem of the dog wanting to mark his territory in the house, the needles getting stuck in your house slippers and watering the thing in hopes it lasts until New Years but it changed my aspect on the 'normalcy' of what Christmas was.
This year she announced we weren't to have stockings. I pretended not to receive this text message. When I spoke with her later that evening she asked if I got it and I stated I had but was choosing to ignore it. A few days later she announced stockings would still be in place. Call me be a brat but after the fake tree incident I was putting my foot down for the stockings.
So anyway…I deal with an organization that has a mentor program for children with incarcerated parents. I attended a Christmas party last night with my mentee and her family. As you look around at all these children you find for those moments of candy cane reindeer, Christmas song charades and stars full of prayers the fact that a parent of theirs won't be spending Christmas with them is tucked back in their mind, or at least they pretend its nonexistent. My girl's grandma asked me if all these children have a parent in jail/prison. I said yes. She promptly looked at my mentee and stated "you always be thankful for your family" and my beautiful 15 yr old friend complete with a little attitude, hair dye, and heavy eye makeup stated "I am Grams, I am"
I immediately felt guilty. I am whole heartily thankful for my amazing family and friends but I often forget that the 'Christmas spirit' is more about that then fake trees, no stockings and whether someone remembers to make the chocolate pie. My eyes starting welling up with tears as I drove home thinking about the adorable little 3 yr old boy I wanted to take home. His rendition of rock around the Christmas tree will melt your heart. I wanted to know his story.
I came home and was promptly annoyed by the lack of items I had asked for earlier that day and with the response of "I forgot". As I grumbled off to Walgreen's myself, flashing thoughts of children dressed up as tissue paper Santa's, and paint filled ornaments overcame me. This humbled me completely all over again and I realized that perhaps some around me should experience what it is like to be an observer in situations like these. Where a bag full of Christmas gifts even though they could be a funky colored sweater make your day, where the choice between Italian or Ranch dressing is 'cool' and the fact that they still find some sort of happiness for the family photo being taken even while missing one.
I would have to say that kind of child like faith, strength and smile is one of the most beautiful things in the world and will change you if you have the opportunity to experience it.
This year she announced we weren't to have stockings. I pretended not to receive this text message. When I spoke with her later that evening she asked if I got it and I stated I had but was choosing to ignore it. A few days later she announced stockings would still be in place. Call me be a brat but after the fake tree incident I was putting my foot down for the stockings.
So anyway…I deal with an organization that has a mentor program for children with incarcerated parents. I attended a Christmas party last night with my mentee and her family. As you look around at all these children you find for those moments of candy cane reindeer, Christmas song charades and stars full of prayers the fact that a parent of theirs won't be spending Christmas with them is tucked back in their mind, or at least they pretend its nonexistent. My girl's grandma asked me if all these children have a parent in jail/prison. I said yes. She promptly looked at my mentee and stated "you always be thankful for your family" and my beautiful 15 yr old friend complete with a little attitude, hair dye, and heavy eye makeup stated "I am Grams, I am"
I immediately felt guilty. I am whole heartily thankful for my amazing family and friends but I often forget that the 'Christmas spirit' is more about that then fake trees, no stockings and whether someone remembers to make the chocolate pie. My eyes starting welling up with tears as I drove home thinking about the adorable little 3 yr old boy I wanted to take home. His rendition of rock around the Christmas tree will melt your heart. I wanted to know his story.
I came home and was promptly annoyed by the lack of items I had asked for earlier that day and with the response of "I forgot". As I grumbled off to Walgreen's myself, flashing thoughts of children dressed up as tissue paper Santa's, and paint filled ornaments overcame me. This humbled me completely all over again and I realized that perhaps some around me should experience what it is like to be an observer in situations like these. Where a bag full of Christmas gifts even though they could be a funky colored sweater make your day, where the choice between Italian or Ranch dressing is 'cool' and the fact that they still find some sort of happiness for the family photo being taken even while missing one.
I would have to say that kind of child like faith, strength and smile is one of the most beautiful things in the world and will change you if you have the opportunity to experience it.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Necessities
Although the past few months have flown by with an array of tasks, situations and problems occurring life seems at somewhat of a stand still right now…in this moment.
You always hope the new year will ring in wishes come true, dreams progressing and often a few happier times. As I look back at my first year back home I realize how necessary it is to have people in your life that truly see you. I absolutely adore the handful of those in my life that mold my heart, tune my voice and tweak my moods. The obvious being my brother, my Jordan and my Flo but also included a few others that have made moments worth remembering.
This year was my transition stage. That in between time from being college student to adulthood. That stage of being unsure whether to sleep in and call in sick or having a salary paycheck with health benefits. Was the Thursday night out worth the lagging the next morning? (probably!) Although I still will be continuing school this next year, along with it comes that full time non kid job and my first closing on a house. Life happens without you looking usually, it's when you begin living it that life starts actually feeling.
When growing into yourself feels beautiful, when spending money on the impulsive plane ride to see your girls means memories and that moment when you realize that life simply wouldn't be as sweet without the broken hearts, the ear ringing music, the embarrassing moments and the hugs from those that complete your world.
You always hope the new year will ring in wishes come true, dreams progressing and often a few happier times. As I look back at my first year back home I realize how necessary it is to have people in your life that truly see you. I absolutely adore the handful of those in my life that mold my heart, tune my voice and tweak my moods. The obvious being my brother, my Jordan and my Flo but also included a few others that have made moments worth remembering.
This year was my transition stage. That in between time from being college student to adulthood. That stage of being unsure whether to sleep in and call in sick or having a salary paycheck with health benefits. Was the Thursday night out worth the lagging the next morning? (probably!) Although I still will be continuing school this next year, along with it comes that full time non kid job and my first closing on a house. Life happens without you looking usually, it's when you begin living it that life starts actually feeling.
When growing into yourself feels beautiful, when spending money on the impulsive plane ride to see your girls means memories and that moment when you realize that life simply wouldn't be as sweet without the broken hearts, the ear ringing music, the embarrassing moments and the hugs from those that complete your world.
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