Christmas Spirit

So Christmas spirit comes and goes for me. At my own house decorations are normally far and few between so I always relied on my parents house to be filled with the yearly Santa Clauses, Christmas lights and stockings. For the first time ever last year my mother announced we were to have a fake tree, I was not a happy girl. Given this alleviated the problem of the dog wanting to mark his territory in the house, the needles getting stuck in your house slippers and watering the thing in hopes it lasts until New Years but it changed my aspect on the 'normalcy' of what Christmas was.
This year she announced we weren't to have stockings. I pretended not to receive this text message. When I spoke with her later that evening she asked if I got it and I stated I had but was choosing to ignore it. A few days later she announced stockings would still be in place. Call me be a brat but after the fake tree incident I was putting my foot down for the stockings.
So anyway…I deal with an organization that has a mentor program for children with incarcerated parents. I attended a Christmas party last night with my mentee and her family. As you look around at all these children you find for those moments of candy cane reindeer, Christmas song charades and stars full of prayers the fact that a parent of theirs won't be spending Christmas with them is tucked back in their mind, or at least they pretend its nonexistent. My girl's grandma asked me if all these children have a parent in jail/prison. I said yes. She promptly looked at my mentee and stated "you always be thankful for your family" and my beautiful 15 yr old friend complete with a little attitude, hair dye, and heavy eye makeup stated "I am Grams, I am"

I immediately felt guilty. I am whole heartily thankful for my amazing family and friends but I often forget that the 'Christmas spirit' is more about that then fake trees, no stockings and whether someone remembers to make the chocolate pie. My eyes starting welling up with tears as I drove home thinking about the adorable little 3 yr old boy I wanted to take home. His rendition of rock around the Christmas tree will melt your heart. I wanted to know his story.

I came home and was promptly annoyed by the lack of items I had asked for earlier that day and with the response of "I forgot". As I grumbled off to Walgreen's myself, flashing thoughts of children dressed up as tissue paper Santa's, and paint filled ornaments overcame me. This humbled me completely all over again and I realized that perhaps some around me should experience what it is like to be an observer in situations like these. Where a bag full of Christmas gifts even though they could be a funky colored sweater make your day, where the choice between Italian or Ranch dressing is 'cool' and the fact that they still find some sort of happiness for the family photo being taken even while missing one.

I would have to say that kind of child like faith, strength and smile is one of the most beautiful things in the world and will change you if you have the opportunity to experience it.

Necessities

Although the past few months have flown by with an array of tasks, situations and problems occurring life seems at somewhat of a stand still right now…in this moment.

You always hope the new year will ring in wishes come true, dreams progressing and often a few happier times. As I look back at my first year back home I realize how necessary it is to have people in your life that truly see you. I absolutely adore the handful of those in my life that mold my heart, tune my voice and tweak my moods. The obvious being my brother, my Jordan and my Flo but also included a few others that have made moments worth remembering.

This year was my transition stage. That in between time from being college student to adulthood. That stage of being unsure whether to sleep in and call in sick or having a salary paycheck with health benefits. Was the Thursday night out worth the lagging the next morning? (probably!) Although I still will be continuing school this next year, along with it comes that full time non kid job and my first closing on a house. Life happens without you looking usually, it's when you begin living it that life starts actually feeling.

When growing into yourself feels beautiful, when spending money on the impulsive plane ride to see your girls means memories and that moment when you realize that life simply wouldn't be as sweet without the broken hearts, the ear ringing music, the embarrassing moments and the hugs from those that complete your world.

For Good

An impact…

"The effect or impression of one thing on another"

You have to wonder the impact you have on those around you. The kid that stepped in front of your car, the woman searching the labels at the grocery store, the man on the street holding out his hand.

How many people do we truly make an impact on, and at the end of the day were they more positive or negative impacts?

I'm convinced we are all intertwined. Sort of that six degrees of separation bit. That for one reason or another someone graces their presence in our life. Whether it being the drive thru man that says "God Bless You" to the gum smacker that follows you around for commission.

It all makes an imprint. An imprint in the sand that can be easily washed away or a cement imprint that takes a shatter to break. I find that you often don't realize the impact you make on others and it's only until much later you realize that even those you never thought made an impact on you.

Lately I found a handful of people on my mind, my heart and I only hope that in some sort of way I have impacted, even if for a moment. In turn they have impacted me. It's not a secret to those around me that often I have a rather cynical jaded attitude of sorts, I'm completely ashamed of this attribute most times and I found yesterday it has softened. Through another's emotions/reactions I have found that I am healing.

They have no idea of this, they have no notion of what would ever need to be healed but through our conversation I began to feel warmth, sadness, an urge of compassion that I hadn't in a long time. It was absolutely wonderful.

I think we often forget what even the tiniest things could do for another. I try my best, and my best often isn't good enough. I try again though, always.

I probably will never understand why some come into my life or why I meander into someone else's. All I know is that it's the best off roading you can do. You just never know if that impact causes you to detour or it causes them to have the motivation to move forward.

Having the strength to allow them in is the hardest part….

My heart has softened. I've been waiting so long. Thank you.


"I've heard it saidThat people come into our lives for a reasonBringing something we must learnAnd we are ledTo those who help us most to growIf we let themAnd we help them in returnWell, I don't know if I believe that's trueBut I know I'm who I am todayBecause I knew you
I have been changed for good"

The Perfect Blossom is a Rare Thing

I've been pretty overwhelmed with life's little uncertainties lately. I can't help but worry, wonder or try to over analyze…everything.

My worrisome attitude ebbs and flows constantly. At this moment I'm at peace though. Calm and collected while it rushes around me. Life is so beautifully messy it's a wonder why I tried so hard to color in the lines when I was little.

I'm still unsure about pretty much everything in my path right now but I'm learning to alleviate some of the negative focus. Spending too much time worrying, contemplating instead of doing makes your life so nonliving.

I will always worry I am built this way but each day I am also being built to be content. Not to stand for less but to embrace what I have been given. Faith that friendships with those that are real truly are a rarity and should be held onto forever, hugs from certain people make you feel more safe that you ever thought, looking inside yourself for strength can change a situation completely and faith in life is what makes things so complicated yet so unbelievably worth it.

"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."

I am humbled, blessed and amazingly thankful of the world I have been given

Learning

I must be lacking faith.

I find that when I feel like everything is going wrong, I'm overly stressed or I say things I shouldn't be saying is when I have become selfish in my life and diverted onto a path that becomes me oriented. This is when if I stop to take a look, my faith has diminished.

Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in those around me.

I'm a control freak. It's a horrible attribute that can consume all aspects of your life. Add the fear of not succeeding plus an opinionated personality and it equals an eventual meltdown of massive proportions. Each time I rebuild myself a little differently. Depending on the outcome I build more or less opinions, build more fear or lack of fear but I never seem to change that control attribute. I am not proud of this, in fact I it is an absolute disgust really. I know I'm too independent, opinionated at times too, this frustrated people. It frustrates me that it frustrates people. It's a Catch-22. They think you can hold your own so they don't interfere, yet the reason you have become this way is because no one was ever backing you up. It's humorous how much we seek other's approval even when we don't realize it until its probably too late.

All I can figure is that I am build this way for some reason. The people I do care about, you know it. I never back down even if they are wrong. I never leave you out there alone and I always do my best to show you I love you. What I'm realizing is that to some this may never be enough. That just because you do this doesn't mean you get the same in return. I accept this and accept the consequences of my actions. I accept them due to a faith that it will all be okay. Worrying gets you no where, perhaps on your face if anywhere. Fighting gives your bruises but perhaps may solve something even if it's not the outcome you hoped for. Disrespect leaves you empty.

I'm still learning, in so many areas. Learning to trust my intellect with school. Learning to love myself even when I feel I shouldn't. Learning not to chase after the train wreck that passes you by. Learning people will surprise you in both hurtful ways and beautiful ways. Learning that I don't have a clue….and that that is okay.

That's the hardest one.

Weeding Out

Why do we always become fixated on the negative aspects of things surrounding our life? Is this due to the faith we slightly lose when we become fools in areas we should pay better attention?

All I know is myself. Compiling a list of pros and cons detailing attributes of my life, showing how truly blessed I am but no matter how small the con column is, there is it. That one thing festering. That makes the entire sheet look like a big red FAIL has been stamped upon it.

Perhaps given this much emotion behind it due to the build up of evidence. I'm mentally exhausted of being right in these terms. People state I'm too smart, if I was, I'd know how to control my feelings. I'd know when to shield sweet nothing talks that don't have behaviors that back them up.

I learned last night you have to weed out a lot before you can even catch a glimpse of what you might be looking for and even then there are no guarantees. I learned last night that even those related to you will continue to think like a guy because it is true that even after they see the repercussions of the damage, they will in fact do the same thing to someone else. I learned last night that I have some of the best girl friends in the world and I love them without a doubt wholeheartedly.

"The only man a girl can depend on is a daddy."

...I hope that's not all.

Focus

How you can lose it before you realize it's gone. Laziness, a good looking guy, or fear overpowers the picture in your head.

Over the years independence has definitely been something that has molded my decisions, choices and paths in life. But I have to admit having fewer and fewer cheerleaders on the sidelines make it more difficult to be focused on things you once only dreamed about.

I've developed this sense of thin film around myself that constantly states "everything will be okay" and I can't help but believe this most of the time. I don't cry a lot. I don't express emotions how I think I'm suppose to sometimes.

I don't know if this is a malfunction I developed through growing up given whatever circumstances. Along the road I developed the ability to understand emotions, pinpoint a root; I suppose it's simply the expression part I got confused about.

Whatever it is, I find currently the lack of focus. Adapting into a period of life that in my head I know isn't for me forever but for this moment it places on hold my focus. I do not know if this is a positive or negative thing or it's deemed to be either or. Perhaps it simply is. A fleeting collection of moments that with time will come full circle and I will be back on the road I think I'm suppose to be taking.

I feel it. It nudges me more often. I see it in a face. I yearn for that force.

Perhaps how much I hate to admit it….
No matter how focused, no matter how independent, even I need someone close to me to notice and encourage a little pep talk.