Subdued Stillness

The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that? – Pretty Woman

When your life is full of happiness life floats on. When you are genuinely happy, even the speed bumps don’t seem much like hurdles. I have found my life over the past year to be genuinely happy. When you’ve had your heart hurt before I find it often harder to protect it from harm again.

I don’t know if this is because and I realize this sounds awful, but it is as if I am used to feeling this way or simply my heart feels more than it should sometimes. That my emotional beacon once it shines it is overcome with emotion.

I feel extra emotional lately. I’m feeling rather disconnected from the ‘the happiness.’  I used to feel guilty for finding someone so soon after the relationship blunder I had gotten myself out of  a few years ago. I used to feel like I didn’t deserve the easy happiness that came along with the man that sleeps next to me now.  I eventually got wrapped up in the warmth and simply became thankful.

A shift has occurred recently, a shift of perhaps him feeling too comfortable in the setting we have surrounded ourselves with and me feeling that fear creeping in.  We all sometimes get carried away and say things we do not mean, we also sometimes word vomit and say things we have been longing to say. I find myself torn between absolute certainty and sheer fear. I’d like to believe that that is where the majority of people hang out. I’m a creature of having to analyze my emotions, to understand them fully. This often turns into a battle with my significant other. I don’t always need to be fixed; I simply need to be heard. I simply need to feel safe enough to be expressive. I can’t function without being able to explore why I react to certain situations the way I do. My safety net feels rather shaky lately, as if a rope wasn’t tightened enough, that the spark that ignited sheer bliss got stomped on by comfort and fizzled to a constant subdued stillness.

I need to feel revived. I’m not sure how to achieve this on my own and I fear my expression of this need will only stir turmoil.

The hands are perfectly fitted for each other but what happens when you feel like their grip on yours isn’t as strong as it once was? That they have loosened it, that you’re scared they haven’t even noticed?

 

Thank you 2011

It’s almost March and my 2011 year in review has yet to occur. I think it’s because when I try to think of the cleverest way to wrap the year up I find myself filled with bursts of emotions that I don’t know how to express verbally. I must say that the year ended on a high note but let’s not get ahead of myself, let’s start from the beginning…

My heart was still healing at the beginning of 2011; I spent a lot of time alone. I read A LOT, I slept restless and I prayed. The transition of 2010-2011 I had begun to put my toe back in the dating pool which resulted in exactly three dates to determine I had absolutely no business even putting a toe in the pool without a floatie. I had a guy cook me dinner only to basically shove me out the front door shortly after when I realized the whole situation was to overwhelming, he probably refers to me as “emotional wreck girl” to this day. I then had a guy ridicule me in the middle of a restaurant for ‘incorrectly’ misusing the terms block and street. People turned at us when he raised his voice I kid you not, I refer to him as “yeller” to this day. Last but not least I went to dinner with a perfect gentleman who did absolutely nothing wrong, I never called him back. I realized my heart had not settled and hanging out in the sun was a much safer bet then all that keep on swimming business. Case closed, or so I thought.

I never saw him coming; I had met him before many times and…nothing. This time was different, it was as if I was meeting him for the very first time, and we finally saw each other. A good three months went by before we actually got to spend quality time with each other however….in the midst of these months I took the trip of a life time.

BOSTON! I am thoroughly convinced a part of my soul belongs in that city, I have no idea why but it does. The sibling circle trip to see history with the Cubs/Sox playing for the first time since the 1918 World Series was something I will ever forget. OKC Thunder games playing in the bars, China Town, walking the warning track of Fenway Park, and signing my name inside the Green Monster is that one trip you tell your kids about and they roll their eyes because they heard it last Christmas. I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. Something about sitting in a ballpark filled with ghosts, curses, and dreams makes you feel a part of something so much bigger yet so connected to everyone around you. It’s irreplaceable.

 Wedding season also was happening and Florida and Georgia was full of flowers, cakes, bridesmaids, and happily ever after’s.

After the whirlwind of summer vacations and family trips calmed I found myself falling head over heels for someone that makes me smile more and more every day. I had a hard time with it at first, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to figure out what the punch line was, etc. I kept thinking to myself why on earth would I be blessed to find someone that fits me so much so quickly after the mess I was in. I couldn’t grasp the simple concept of “you are loved Lacey”. I pushed, man did I push. I still have my bouts of doubt where I burst into tears and become completely overwhelmed with the fact that I finally found exactly what I was looking for.

I could say he brought me back to life, he taught me how to love again and all that mumbo jumbo but I’d be lying. I’m the one that brought myself back to life, and I never lacked the ability to love. He did however soften my heart and embraced my craziness when I thought no one else could and he made me feel safe again and because of that he will forever have a piece of my heart. The love I feel now from him, my family, and my friends is so overwhelming if I sit to think about too much I literally get crocodile tears in my eyes and find myself looking up and saying thank you.

So my ode to 2011: you were the transition year of who I was, to who I want to be. You were beautiful through restless nights, breathtaking trips, happy tears, and sheer calmness and peace I thought I’d never be able to achieve. You bestowed upon me reassurance in the family that never lets me down, the benefit of having true girlfriends, the strength to overcome spiteful people, and embracing the love of my life. 2011 was the beginning of the rest of my life, a life that I often don’t feel deserving of but am so very thankful for.

 “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will...” – Hope Floats

Natural Setting

It's times like these that I feel happy.

They make me feel small in the world as if anything going on in my head that would cause harm will fade away. Calmness and happiness overcome instead. All I know is there is a God with images like this created so naturally.

It is the simplicity and the intricate nature of the surroundings that have come to heal me.  I'm increasing thankful of the life I have been given but have this overwhelming need to make change. I'm not sure what kind of change, simply a sense of purpose I suppose. I had someone today say "that without trying and just being who you are, you inspire and encourage lives because you give them hope and direction" 


I don't know how to grasp this concept. It's hard for me to seemingly achieve something with such vast consequences that I didn't even try at. That my mere presence and connection in one's life could make for such a wonderful outcome. Who am I to have such the ability?

I have been praying a lot lately. Praying for growth, direction, and sheer humility. I seek a connection of understanding. I've been laughing a lot more lately, perhaps this is due to someone new that crossed my path recently, perhaps it was just time. Either way I am thankful for this.  

Suitcases

I spend so much time in my head I find it’s the one place that can make me feel the safest yet the most vulnerable all at the same time. It’s like a suitcase full of emotions you may or may not need on any given occasion.  They (once again…who is THEY?!) say time heals all wounds. I used to say this to people (maybe I became one of those annoying they people) and now I realize I only said it because I didn’t have the slightest idea of what they were going through and my empathy toward them just wanted them to know that I was there. I find I yearn for some sort of empathy that isn’t from a phone call from the east coast or a text message from the west coast.

I have absolutely no idea how to pick up pieces and start over. I have an overwhelming abundance of blessings in the various forms of family, friends, vacation time, flexible hours, and space. I find myself slightly empty though. Not the kind of empty that I NEED someone else to fill my half empty glass but empty in the form of purpose.  I have this longing to feel a belonging to someone, a purpose of helping, loving, and feeling life with them.

“I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart” – Something Corporate

I write so I can go back and read it later, like a book that I have read ten times before with well-worn pages, ear marks, and possible highlights. After it floats around in my head I have to get it out on paper so I can read it, analyze it, understand it and move on. It’s seemingly the only way I can take that piece of baggage and stop lugging it day to day. I think this is why I love books so much, they are full of other people’s suitcases.


 

Openess

"And this kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall

It makes all my problems fall

And this kind of trust helps me to hold the line
I'll be there every time"

I try not to be bitter or cynical when I hear this song lyric, I can actually listen to this Sister Hazel song now and not burst into tears. It’s been almost a year; it doesn’t feel like it though. I remember in college I got my heart broken by a guy that started dating someone else but forgot to tell me….I thought I’d never recover from that constant ache in my chest. I find however my most recent experience is a whole different ache. It follows me, surrounds my whole life it seems. Not in a cry myself to sleep for weeks scenario like college boy was but more like a constant badgering in my head. My only conclusion is that this is due to the fact that I still feel fully responsible for putting myself in the situation to begin with as if my heart shouldn’t have been so trusting.

When I was 16 I was so smitten with a boy that I found out later we were playing the roles in ‘She’s All That’, except I didn’t know. When I was college, see aforementioned story. When I hit post collegiate lifestyle with grown up decisions I found out when the relationship consumes your whole lifestyle; who you talk to, what you eat for dinner, how you spend your summer vacation…having that all change in a blink of an eye leaves you with such a different perception of what you thought your life was going to be and how you will survive the wreckage.

I find myself searching, not for that perfect person that will make me feel safe again but searching for the me I used to be. I know she’ll never actually surface again because she no longer exists due to the wounds inflicted. I guess my only hope is that one day a better, stronger, more resilient version of her makes an appearance. I struggle with balancing the openness I see as weak and the openness I see as being therapeutic for my own good whether I like it or not. I was never the type of person that needed another person to feel whole, that was until I opened myself up to another and realized my version of whole was so meek compared to the possibilities of sharing that stature with someone else. My only mistake was taking that risk with someone that couldn’t carry their own weight when it came to living up to that stature and wasn’t willing to carry mine when I was broken.

I don’t break that often and I fully expected that when I did I’d have someone there, my only fear now is that that person doesn’t exist. I realize this is cynical and I'm fully aware of this. Honestly deep down...and right now I mean really deep down, I know they do and my surface level cynicism is simply that, surface level. Who are we kidding, I'm too much of a thinker to actually believe living the life of a cynical, bitter, jaded individual will get me anywhere I want to be in life. God gave me too much faith for that, my parents taught me to much about courage for that, and my heart has too much love for that...but for now cynicism may win over.

Stillness

One of my favorite moments of the day has been when I get home from work and I walk to the mailbox. The sun has either started to go down or has, and the neighborhood is silent. As I walk down the driveway it is in those moments that I breathe in life. For some strange reason this breathe has been the most calm of my day.


A Harvard University study says that even 10 minutes of silence can increase happiness in your life. I believe that my 20 second walk full of cold air, calm surroundings, and brisk invigoration does this for me.

Today I woke up to this:

I’m not one that gets excited at snow but I find that the stillness that a snowfall like this brings is soothing. The pure perfection of the contours can only encourage a belief in God. Ironically it is the exact same feeling I felt last Saturday when it was 70 degrees and I laid on a blanket, looked up and watched the leaves blow and the sun shine on my face. I thought “man, if you could just bottle up this feeling, there is no way anyone would ever feel sad again with a spritz of this”.

I’ve always genuinely had a pretty sunny disposition, despite my ability to examine my dark and twisty feelings with great detail. The more alone I feel the better I am at examining that side of me and afterwards I always seem to develop a newfound strength. Perhaps this is where the disposition stems from. The past few months I’ve been on a research frenzy of how to move on in life. Move on from what I’m not entirely sure because I’ve come to find out that no matter how you move in life there will be some wounds that take their own time to heal, there will always be decisions that cause you to stumble and may push you on a different road, and there will be people that come into your life and cause you to reexamine everything you ever knew about yourself.

I’m analytical by nature and I tend to look at myself as my own little research project probing my brain with different thesis’ and theories until one pans out. I’m a work in progress. I think we all are and because my brain is usually on overdrive, I welcome those moments of stillness. The ability to have those moments in times of heartbreak, struggle, loneliness, and fear is what makes a person survive. It’s what keeps life worth living.

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” Deepak Chopra

Ode to 2010

So 2010 is coming to a close. I usually make an entry about the year in full. Clever one liners that wrap up January, February, March, you get the picture. I'm going to go with:

Dear 2010:


You were one emotional year. You gave me a new office, a new job, knocked me back down to a single no plus one, a clean bill of health, one fantastic birthday shindig, a fun Halloween costume, and a REAL Christmas tree. I had a love/hate relationship with you. This may hurt your feelings, but you will not be missed.


Love, Me.

So with that being said I don't really want to spend any more time on low dips of the rollercoaster that was 2010. I'll give some shout outs to the highs however:

- I really do have the best family ever. They pack stuff up for me, they buy me hot chocolate, they spoil my pets, they understand the 'awesomeness'. I'm not spoiled people, I'm Loved. I don't recommend jealously, but I can see how you would be.

- I'm also blessed to have the most amazing best friend ever. 12 hours drives with one phone call. I did well when I picked my person 16+ years ago.

- Now I've already mentioned my family but I feel this scenario deserves its own section. The Chair v. Jeremy at Kilkenny's. This will go down in history as one of the top five funniest moments I've ever witnessed.

- My Rum Birthday Party, was this party made specifically for my birthday.....no, did I decide it was made FOR me. Yes. Yes I did. You know it's been a good night when you're allowed going to duct tape symbols on the window on the car ride home.

- Hair Fashion Show After Party. You have people dressed up as bugs, you have a pair of pretty sweet boots on and once again it's been a good night when I end up on the dance floor.

- I fell into a groove with some good girlfriends. They saved me this year.

- A real Christmas tree complete with childhood ornaments, lambic beer (oh yeah I discovered that this year too), and family conversation around the fireplace.

- Academic honors. Boo yah.

- Recent but still deserving a section, record player night. Stevie Nicks and dance moves on video has made my day every time I watch it over.

So there you have it. A few snapshots of 2010. There were probably many more and even writing this I can think of them but I have to stop somewhere. All I know is that my heart is in a good place and for that I am extremely blessed and thankful. Every day I feel more like me again which I wasn't sure when that was going to happen, with that being said this is the portion where I thank: My parents, my bubba, Jordan, Kristen, Gayle, Darlene, Andy, Justin S., Pandora radio, Mac and cheese, my Nook, the Boston Red Sox, movie theaters, heels, my treadmill, my iPod, and the Big Man upstairs.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell

Flicker

“The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.”
I don’t want to be an avid believer of a quote taken from A) a fictional character that turned her own hair a different color or B) such a bold statement.

However….I find this to be truth. At least for now.

When I was a little girl I lied about the most ridiculous things and if memory serves, the lies were 100% of the time so I would not get in trouble by my parents. This was a lesson I didn’t learn quickly because I had many experiences just like Ralphie with a bar of soap in my mouth. I was a horrible liar I might mention, I lied about things that clearly didn’t happen on their own. As much as I would like to convince the world that Barbie has the ability to cut her own hair, last time I checked she is made of plastic. As I got older I became to realize chances are I would not have gotten in trouble for giving Barbie a trim, why I was getting the Dove treatment was because I lied about it. I never however lied about things that really would change the course of the day, a relationship, or loss in faith of the opposite sex.

I find the more people I come in contact with, the less there are that are truly honest. Sure I’ve called into work when I wasn’t really sick. I’ve probably even choked down a meal and claimed it tasted good. But I cannot say that I have ever gained a persons trust only for them to find out something about me that changed their view of me and made them question if I was a worthy ally.

This betrayal stings more now after my lesson of blinded love. Blinded love filled with lies that I pray every night I will one day recover from. It’s in those moments that you want to lean on those around you, so it becomes salt in the wound when you finally do and you find they too, lie. That someone who somehow helped bring you back from the black hole of heartbreak and simply feel life again has hurt you. It feels like the rope you were climbing up, snapped. That as you fly backwards like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole you think “where the hell am I gonna get up enough energy to pull myself up this time?”

All I can figure is that you cannot rely on anyone else. Course that is the frustrating part, I wasn’t trying to do that to begin with, it just happened and I find as I brush the dust off from the crash of a snapped rope, I am out energy right now to try to climb again.

Good thing God can find you in darkness or in light, cause right now, my light is flickering.

Transparency

I completed another educational venture today. I can take an exam in January and earn three letters at the end of my name on a business card and charge people more money than if I didn’t have the three letters. It’s quite amazing how that is even legal. I got numerous “good job”, “I’m sure you did great”, “I’m proud of you” phrases today because I have some truly awesome people in my life, however I find this venture just another thing and although I need a break, in my head ideas are already swirling around as to ‘what’s next?’


There is something lacking as I continue to feel like the world is moving on its axle as I’m at a standstill. I used to think I was someone that could change the world. I find myself being buried underneath so many papers, binders, office supplies, and deadlines that my yearning to change the world is the only thing that keeps me from being buried alive. However I have somehow lost that concept of changing it and feel as though I have simply become transparent.

Transparency does not suit me and I find myself trying to break out in any way. I completed my maid of honor duties this past weekend and helped my person find a gorgeous wedding dress that sparkles and has ruffles, everything girly that makes her up. Eight hours later I sat through a conversation about babies. I felt transparent during these moments and my mind became numb and everything became silent. It was the realization that the girls I had spent my college years with were part of that world that was moving on without me, as if I was standing at the train station as they gushed and laughed in the food car over tea and cookies and simply caught a glimpse of me in passing.

It’s a hard reality when a moment like this occurs and you realize that that you no longer have anything in common with the people that were once part of your world in such an intricate way. This has been happening to me for a good six months now with various people around me. The positive side is I have established some lovelies in my life that are fantastic and just what I needed to pull me out of a funk and for that I am thankful. Regardless of that, it’s a sad day when you know you can’t ever go back to sidewalk chalk, bunk beds at camp, and fort night during your college days. That those relationships have run their course and are now a part of your past more so then you ever thought.

“And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now” – James Morrison

Fire Pit

"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time."-- Mason Cooley


I have the tendency to be OCD about events, decisions, and situations that could cause a monstrous disaster if done incorrectly. Who I am I kidding, I’m OCD about whether or not I put a stamp on the envelope I just dropped in the mail slot. There are often times where I can’t sleep because my brain is too busy being wide awake hypothetically planning the next 5 years of my life. Maybe if I plan it while I’m supposed to be sleeping, when the time actually comes I’ll be set and not have a slight panic attack while at work spending someone else’s million dollars because I figured out the problem in my head while drifting in and out of REM sleep. This happens…a lot.

Although I manage to jam pack a lot of information into a few hours I find myself wasting time. I think it’s because when I stop and be still, I find it as unchartered territory that has become more and more unfamiliar to me. I have a fire pit I have never used. Due to past experiences I attach the concept of a fire pit to long conversations about life, love, and stripped away facades. I think these experiences are the best use of human time, with that being said, I have had such a lack of these lately I feel like I’m wasting away.

My days are filled with numbers, codes, dollar bills, and spreadsheets. I’m part of the daily grind that makes the world go round. That’s a pretty sweet feeling when you score big in the conference room because you nailed your presentation however the adrenaline fades after your back in your office and your desk is still covered in the thousands of papers it was before the presentation.

I’m starting up that fire pit soon. I feel like I need a dose of time well spent in front of the flames, the crisp air, and good company.

Karma v. Faith: Meeting in the Middle

Being a part of the subculture called the “bar scene” you end up finding out a lot of information that in any other setting one might not disperse to the person next to them or the one serving them. The idea of “karma” came into the play as last call was making its rounds this evening. A group of gentleman that frequent the bar on a regular basis were tapering off as a few of them somehow ended on the topic of Karma.

Although I believe in God and have a faith based in that direction I find myself contemplating the concept of Karma.

'Karma' is an Indian religious concept in contradistinction to 'faith' espoused by Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present—and past—life actions. In theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. In Indian beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences. The results or 'fruits' of actions are called karma-phala '

Thank you Wikipedia for the verification. I struggle to contemplate that both are completely different areas and do not anywhere intermingle. If God gave us free will, than I have to believe it is also possible that putting good vibes out into the world can only help your chances of walking into more positive vibes in the future. This hypothesis becomes void when something ‘bad’ happens to a ‘good’ person. With that being said I find myself thinking perhaps it’s not what bad thing happened but how the good person handled it that will determine the karma that comes around.

I have to believe that being A) you were good to a crappy person but B) they were sucky to you in turn will eventually equal to C) a good thing happening since the beginning of the equation started off with something positive. Eh, what do I know? I’ve crashed and burned this equation many times over, however I cannot seem to tweak the equation. Perhaps the karma that occurs isn’t based on the reaction you received the first time around.

I have to believe that both karma and faith exist. There is a cause and effect to actions, is this based on the past rap sheet one had? This might be based on the fact on if you have any faith at all. A lot of people spend too much time wanting to play the blame game on why something crappy happened to them. I don’t think I’m built that way. At the end of the day, some people are just mean and others are amazing to have in your life. Some will suck the very life of out of you and some will ignite a passion in you that will start the rest of your life. Is it determined by cause and effect and how these people come into your life? I have absolutely no idea, but my hunch is, having faith can help you see the silver lining ‘good’ karma in any ‘bad’ karma setting.

Displacement

When I go back and read past postings I have the urge to delete them. It is slightly humiliating to read how naïve I was about the person I almost walked down the aisle to. This would have happened last weekend. I found myself in Arizona last weekend watching a football game on TV the best man wanted to go to. I wonder if he made it.

Back to humiliation, as I get up the nerve to hit delete I find that this will simply erase it from cyber space (probably not even that) and not from my memory and this in turns prompts my index finger to stop. Although I do not need a reminder of the stupidity I feel at least once a week I also realize that these are the only moments I actually feel anything lately.

A little over a month ago as I was going to class a song came on the radio that caused me to transition from sadness to anger. Thank you Rihanna and Eminem for the moment I’d been waiting for. I sat in class as Charlie Brown’s teacher rambled up front and my mind was off on its own accord. Two hours later with tears streaming down my face I beat the hell out of my punching bag and then ran for a while. I’ve been running ever since that evening and I have a scar on my knuckle as a reminder of my clearly built up rage. I finally felt a release.

I still feel empty but I’d rather feel empty and open to what God has in store for me that full of sadness, anger, and heartache.

They (who ARE they?) say that displacement of feelings can only cause worse consequences down the line. I don’t believe this entirely because I’m currently displacing my anger into nightly runs on the treadmill and my legs have never looked better (SCORE!) and displacing my sadness into a random conversation with God wherever I might be. That’s ‘dealing’ with your feelings right? Eh, maybe its displacement, either way it’s working for me so I’m sticking to it.

Heartbrokenness Makes Everything Blurry

It’s been five months since my last writing. It’s been almost three months since I took a ring off my finger and gave it back to a man that was full of lies. It’s been one month since I cried so hard I couldn’t feel myself breathe. Those times are far and fewer between as time passes. I do wonder however when they will go away completely. I do not regret my decision to end a relationship that I was clearly naïve about. I do find myself considering the next time I will let someone see my heart will be much more difficult.

I still have a no alternations required wedding dress hanging in a shiny bag in my parents’ closet. I still have bridesmaid’s dresses with tags still attached in my closet however I also have a void in my heart. I want to be angry at the person that did this but I find that those around me take care of that for me; maybe that’s why I feel no anger anymore. I feel empty.

People say I’m strong and perhaps because of this label people assume I bounce back quickly. I have no doubts I will one day bounce back but at this present moment I have no explanation of how I ‘feel’ the majority of the time. “Fine” is the generic term most prefer to hear anyway so I leave it at that.

One thing that has come from all of this is the realization that the façade of toughness wears off when you crawl into bed and no longer have anyone to say goodnight too, the loneliness sets in when you no longer have anyone to share in a celebration of educational success with, and the cynicism is hard to resist when you are watching the world move on without you.

Heartbrokenness makes everything blurry. Sounds, smells, images. They all run together and I keep waiting for that moment when the rush breaks through and everything is bright again. Faith, Hope, and Love however still remain.

Faith that one day my heart will be cared for as it deserves.
Hope that I won’t be so broken I’ll miss it.
Love that embraces every single part of me like armor.

Faith Hope Love

I haven’t written in a long time. I notice a change in my toleration when I haven’t written in a while. It’s a new year, and I start off every year with a recap of the previous.

2009:
- A year filled with hard realizations, love found, and faith that was tested.

I went back to school. I got a cat (who would have guessed that one?) I got engaged. I had a health scare. I got booted from my job of 5 years.

Live has been full of unexpected mountains this past year. I am however truly blessed.

I had a summer full of baseball stadiums, a birthday with friends & family, a sparkly ring, a superhero for Halloween and a kiss to ring in the New Year.

I have been listening to a lot of Etta James, Nikki Costa, Joss Stone and the like lately. Maybe I feel soulful? Maybe I just feel thankful.

2010 is a fresh start.

I have a new job. I will have a husband. I will have a new chapter of my life opened.

I broke a few months ago. The stress of life became too much, this doesn’t happen to me often. I usually perform well under stress, I need a little of it to feel motivation. However when you get engaged, have pre-cancerous cells diagnosed and then removed, lose your job, all in three months you find yourself wondering what exactly the Big Guy is trying to tell you.

It took me some time to figure it out. I had been lacking. Lacking attention to Him. I thought, how could I be blessed with a lovely man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me only to find out that life could be taken away? Then to add some salt to the wound, let’s let you go from a job that you were very loyal too. I was bitter. I admit it.

So as 2010 starts, I find myself healthy and conscious of routine checkups, employed where I am taken seriously even without a penis and I have purchased the perfect wedding dress. Sometimes it has to rain to shine and it has to storm to wash away the dirt.

I feel renewed. Do I still have hints of being scared? Absolutely.

And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. – 1 Corinthians 13:13

Adam and Eve

Life.

I like to think Eve was created because Adam was lonely, but he didn’t realize how lonely he was until he met Eve.

I believe you don’t really see the cracks and contours of life until you encounter even a fleeting moment that is without the one that changes your life.

I used to have this big mental picture in my mind of changing the world. That one day I would make an impact that made everyone else notice. This was until someone made an impact on mine that caused spaces in time to be more special and life changing then big mental pictures.

I look back to my days in college, in ....Florida.... and realize how ridiculous my world was. I am amazed to think back of my behavior, that I even cared or how I almost went over the edge where I wasn’t me anymore. One of my proudest moments is when I walked away. I came in with a best friend, and left with a best friend. Every other person that I considered to be a close friend I am no longer in contact with. Perhaps a hello catered to a now acquaintance.

We all make choices and chances are we make the choices that make our environment easiest to survive in. I am finally blessed to have an environment that doesn’t make me have to choose.

Growing up, my reality was not like those of the kind I encounter now. I am humbled at the decisions and hills of those that I consider my world now had to go through. I find this gives me a rather naïve reputation but I also find that it brings a refreshing quality to all of us.

I do not tolerate things I used to. I do not tolerate gossip that is of no use, laughter that stings and harshness that in the end only makes me look tarnished.

I need sunshine to feed my soul, I always have. It became ironic that the sunshine state took the very light out of me. I had my first breath of summer a couple days ago and felt such a renewing spirit that I had the giggles all day. It felt good to return to myself.

Myself that has a full happy heart, good true friends, and that moment of solitude that isn’t loneliness.

A year in review

A Year In Review.
I rang in the new year with a guy that has stolen my heart.
He continued to run away with it in Feburary.
Doggie sitting and a birthday came in March.
April was met with a phone call in the Chicago airport with four days later my person making a decision to save her life. I'm proud of her and back her up no matter how many people fall to the curb.
May introuduced me to my first year of graduate school behind me.
June became hard. The colleague I work the closet with took his own life on a Tuesday morning. I did not cry for three weeks. I didn't sleep either. Please vist www.twloha.com if you are struggling with depression and/or suicide. On a brighter note I celebrated one year with my love and he took me to see Phantom of the Opera.
July 4th weekend was witinessing Albert Pujols' 300th homerun, the Cubs/Cardinals showdown and the aftermath of natural disasters.
Augst I took the worst plane trip of my life with someone terrified to fly. This plane ride did not curb her fears.
September was spend with my best guy, my best friend, and my family. Turning 26 wasn't so bad.
October I got to be Wilma Flinstone, go to the circus, and see NBA players.
Novemeber I rocked out Irish style to Dropkick Murphys, experienced my first OU football game and spent Thanksgiving with family and people without family.
December I decorated my very own Christmas tree. I packed my work boxes into my own office and I rang in the New Year once again with my guy.
Alot happened in 2008. Do I have regrets? A couple.I could have prayed more, listened more, stressed less and worried less. I find my favorite moments come from cuddles on the couch with my guy, Sex And The City dvds with my bestie, Sunday movies with my mom, Chines food with my dad, and lunch with my brother.

25 hours

By the time I was 26 I thought I would have a little more figured out then I have. I suppose sitting and thinking about it all however, I have figured out some things, just not what I was originally planning on.

I feel I am at a sort of crossroads, a sort of 'should I stay or should I go?' and either way it won't be the end of the world. Either way I have a family that supports me, a man that loves me and a best friend that is still to far away.

I feel like in terms of pay checks, authority, and independence I've dropped the ball somewhere. Somewhere I jumped off the train that was heading to "Lacey's Planned Out Future" and got off on the stops of "Not Without You" and "Unexpected Situations"

At first…I was okay with this, I mean life is about new adventures right? I guess when you start to feel kicked around, over looked and downright manipulated you kinda wish the decisions you made to help could be reversed.

I've hit plenty of rocks on the road I had always envisioned…

I've never been at a stand still…

Now here I am…standing…still… while going through the motions of someone that has to get 25 hours stuffed into 24. My concern is not that 25 hours do not fit in 24, my concern is they are no longer my 25 hours.

This is one of those times you search for something and realize you already know the answer but there are consquences.

**Faith...having to be restored

"We had no knowledge that our lives had just changed. You seldom sit at a
crossroads and know it's a crossroads." Alex Raffe

Light

I usually write to dispense pain. I find I lack that lately for the most part and in a strange way I feel like I lost a part of myself. Perhaps this is simply because I have the ability to relate to pain, sadness and dark better then explaining happiness.

Jordan gets it; she's dark and twisty like me.

Darkness has been fading daily; however it crept back in last week for a moment. A moment of sheer brokenness. I never knew I could feel that way, I thought I had, but not like that evening. I find since then I'm still slightly fading in and out of dark and light.

I had been in light for so long, although the dark and brokenness is familiar territory I fell further. I figure this is due to knowing light more strongly, more passionately and more consuming that I ever have.

I had lost that emptiness, it was null in void and filled with assurance, trust and confidence. I had been so blessed to have lost that part. Then the thought occurred to me that you never really lose any part of yourself, another side just shines brighter.

I figure you need all that dark and twisty stuff, that whole concept of 'you wouldn't know what good was unless you know what bad was'. The only downside to that is you get darker if by chance that has to occur. One has to hope that you can get lighter afterwards.

Eh, either way I figure its okay.
"The Light shines through the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it." John 1:5

Push

When I was 12 I was mad at my mom for reason pertaining to my brother. She told me that the green eyed monster was around. I immediately felt selfish.

Since then I have never had many run ins with this monster that knocked me down as hard as it did recently.

I find my insecurities shining through more brightly when someone close to me doesn't see them, as if they are self inflicting and saying "see me!, notice me!"

I push. I push myself to do better, work harder, listen more closely, etc. I also seem to push to see how far I can get another to hold on. I don't know why I do this.

I've never had another love me as much I as I am loved at this moment, in the human sense that is other then family. Problem is I'm having a hard time accepting it.

It's like when I feel tremendous guilt and praying seems so….minimal.

I know this love is real because its how I feel when God and I are talking and I feel not worthy enough.

All I can hope is I learn to stop pushing before they finally let go.

…or one day I wake up and feel worthy.

**Blessed**

Destiny or Karma

Karma: n.
The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
Fate; destiny.
A distinctive aura, atmosphere, or feeling
Destiny: n.
The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined
A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control
The power or agency thought to predetermine events
I'm not sure if I believe in Karma or not. I used to, seemingly only when something bad happened though. Why is it we believe in a concept of Karma when it's a negative situation but believe in Destiny when it's a positive situation?

By definition destiny determines karma it seems.

I'm the first to admit that when something crappy happens to me, I've been wronged or heard of someone wronged I state "what goes around comes around" and although this is rather petty it is easier to place blame on another to say it's their crappy karma then to admit it might just have been my destiny for it happening.

I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately and I have experienced through observation the 'what goes around' concept to others and find it no more fulfilling when something bad happens to them then when it happened to me. So this leaves me with what about if you don't want to believe it's a 'what goes around' concept? Cause then you get to thinking…is wishing bad karma upon them going to come around to you too?

How do you explain it when a person has followed the rules? When they have loved properly? They have done their best to be kind? How is it their "Destiny" or "Karma" to be sick, heartbroken, battling demons they didn't "ask" for?

Does a Destiny or Karma truly determine who you are as a person? Does it measure your mental strength or your ability to stand tall even when a present concept is crushing you?

I find I have an undeniable strength of self. I always have. Is that a Destiny?

Does one's Destiny have a cause in another's?

..>
"1 So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no one knows whether love or hate awaits them. 2 All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not." Ecclesiastes 9
"I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is to just be." - Jonathan Larson
Maybe that's all it takes.