Subdued Stillness

The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that? – Pretty Woman

When your life is full of happiness life floats on. When you are genuinely happy, even the speed bumps don’t seem much like hurdles. I have found my life over the past year to be genuinely happy. When you’ve had your heart hurt before I find it often harder to protect it from harm again.

I don’t know if this is because and I realize this sounds awful, but it is as if I am used to feeling this way or simply my heart feels more than it should sometimes. That my emotional beacon once it shines it is overcome with emotion.

I feel extra emotional lately. I’m feeling rather disconnected from the ‘the happiness.’  I used to feel guilty for finding someone so soon after the relationship blunder I had gotten myself out of  a few years ago. I used to feel like I didn’t deserve the easy happiness that came along with the man that sleeps next to me now.  I eventually got wrapped up in the warmth and simply became thankful.

A shift has occurred recently, a shift of perhaps him feeling too comfortable in the setting we have surrounded ourselves with and me feeling that fear creeping in.  We all sometimes get carried away and say things we do not mean, we also sometimes word vomit and say things we have been longing to say. I find myself torn between absolute certainty and sheer fear. I’d like to believe that that is where the majority of people hang out. I’m a creature of having to analyze my emotions, to understand them fully. This often turns into a battle with my significant other. I don’t always need to be fixed; I simply need to be heard. I simply need to feel safe enough to be expressive. I can’t function without being able to explore why I react to certain situations the way I do. My safety net feels rather shaky lately, as if a rope wasn’t tightened enough, that the spark that ignited sheer bliss got stomped on by comfort and fizzled to a constant subdued stillness.

I need to feel revived. I’m not sure how to achieve this on my own and I fear my expression of this need will only stir turmoil.

The hands are perfectly fitted for each other but what happens when you feel like their grip on yours isn’t as strong as it once was? That they have loosened it, that you’re scared they haven’t even noticed?

 

Thank you 2011

It’s almost March and my 2011 year in review has yet to occur. I think it’s because when I try to think of the cleverest way to wrap the year up I find myself filled with bursts of emotions that I don’t know how to express verbally. I must say that the year ended on a high note but let’s not get ahead of myself, let’s start from the beginning…

My heart was still healing at the beginning of 2011; I spent a lot of time alone. I read A LOT, I slept restless and I prayed. The transition of 2010-2011 I had begun to put my toe back in the dating pool which resulted in exactly three dates to determine I had absolutely no business even putting a toe in the pool without a floatie. I had a guy cook me dinner only to basically shove me out the front door shortly after when I realized the whole situation was to overwhelming, he probably refers to me as “emotional wreck girl” to this day. I then had a guy ridicule me in the middle of a restaurant for ‘incorrectly’ misusing the terms block and street. People turned at us when he raised his voice I kid you not, I refer to him as “yeller” to this day. Last but not least I went to dinner with a perfect gentleman who did absolutely nothing wrong, I never called him back. I realized my heart had not settled and hanging out in the sun was a much safer bet then all that keep on swimming business. Case closed, or so I thought.

I never saw him coming; I had met him before many times and…nothing. This time was different, it was as if I was meeting him for the very first time, and we finally saw each other. A good three months went by before we actually got to spend quality time with each other however….in the midst of these months I took the trip of a life time.

BOSTON! I am thoroughly convinced a part of my soul belongs in that city, I have no idea why but it does. The sibling circle trip to see history with the Cubs/Sox playing for the first time since the 1918 World Series was something I will ever forget. OKC Thunder games playing in the bars, China Town, walking the warning track of Fenway Park, and signing my name inside the Green Monster is that one trip you tell your kids about and they roll their eyes because they heard it last Christmas. I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. Something about sitting in a ballpark filled with ghosts, curses, and dreams makes you feel a part of something so much bigger yet so connected to everyone around you. It’s irreplaceable.

 Wedding season also was happening and Florida and Georgia was full of flowers, cakes, bridesmaids, and happily ever after’s.

After the whirlwind of summer vacations and family trips calmed I found myself falling head over heels for someone that makes me smile more and more every day. I had a hard time with it at first, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to figure out what the punch line was, etc. I kept thinking to myself why on earth would I be blessed to find someone that fits me so much so quickly after the mess I was in. I couldn’t grasp the simple concept of “you are loved Lacey”. I pushed, man did I push. I still have my bouts of doubt where I burst into tears and become completely overwhelmed with the fact that I finally found exactly what I was looking for.

I could say he brought me back to life, he taught me how to love again and all that mumbo jumbo but I’d be lying. I’m the one that brought myself back to life, and I never lacked the ability to love. He did however soften my heart and embraced my craziness when I thought no one else could and he made me feel safe again and because of that he will forever have a piece of my heart. The love I feel now from him, my family, and my friends is so overwhelming if I sit to think about too much I literally get crocodile tears in my eyes and find myself looking up and saying thank you.

So my ode to 2011: you were the transition year of who I was, to who I want to be. You were beautiful through restless nights, breathtaking trips, happy tears, and sheer calmness and peace I thought I’d never be able to achieve. You bestowed upon me reassurance in the family that never lets me down, the benefit of having true girlfriends, the strength to overcome spiteful people, and embracing the love of my life. 2011 was the beginning of the rest of my life, a life that I often don’t feel deserving of but am so very thankful for.

 “Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will...” – Hope Floats

Natural Setting

It's times like these that I feel happy.

They make me feel small in the world as if anything going on in my head that would cause harm will fade away. Calmness and happiness overcome instead. All I know is there is a God with images like this created so naturally.

It is the simplicity and the intricate nature of the surroundings that have come to heal me.  I'm increasing thankful of the life I have been given but have this overwhelming need to make change. I'm not sure what kind of change, simply a sense of purpose I suppose. I had someone today say "that without trying and just being who you are, you inspire and encourage lives because you give them hope and direction" 


I don't know how to grasp this concept. It's hard for me to seemingly achieve something with such vast consequences that I didn't even try at. That my mere presence and connection in one's life could make for such a wonderful outcome. Who am I to have such the ability?

I have been praying a lot lately. Praying for growth, direction, and sheer humility. I seek a connection of understanding. I've been laughing a lot more lately, perhaps this is due to someone new that crossed my path recently, perhaps it was just time. Either way I am thankful for this.  

Suitcases

I spend so much time in my head I find it’s the one place that can make me feel the safest yet the most vulnerable all at the same time. It’s like a suitcase full of emotions you may or may not need on any given occasion.  They (once again…who is THEY?!) say time heals all wounds. I used to say this to people (maybe I became one of those annoying they people) and now I realize I only said it because I didn’t have the slightest idea of what they were going through and my empathy toward them just wanted them to know that I was there. I find I yearn for some sort of empathy that isn’t from a phone call from the east coast or a text message from the west coast.

I have absolutely no idea how to pick up pieces and start over. I have an overwhelming abundance of blessings in the various forms of family, friends, vacation time, flexible hours, and space. I find myself slightly empty though. Not the kind of empty that I NEED someone else to fill my half empty glass but empty in the form of purpose.  I have this longing to feel a belonging to someone, a purpose of helping, loving, and feeling life with them.

“I wanna hang onto something
That won't break away or fall apart” – Something Corporate

I write so I can go back and read it later, like a book that I have read ten times before with well-worn pages, ear marks, and possible highlights. After it floats around in my head I have to get it out on paper so I can read it, analyze it, understand it and move on. It’s seemingly the only way I can take that piece of baggage and stop lugging it day to day. I think this is why I love books so much, they are full of other people’s suitcases.


 

Openess

"And this kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall

It makes all my problems fall

And this kind of trust helps me to hold the line
I'll be there every time"

I try not to be bitter or cynical when I hear this song lyric, I can actually listen to this Sister Hazel song now and not burst into tears. It’s been almost a year; it doesn’t feel like it though. I remember in college I got my heart broken by a guy that started dating someone else but forgot to tell me….I thought I’d never recover from that constant ache in my chest. I find however my most recent experience is a whole different ache. It follows me, surrounds my whole life it seems. Not in a cry myself to sleep for weeks scenario like college boy was but more like a constant badgering in my head. My only conclusion is that this is due to the fact that I still feel fully responsible for putting myself in the situation to begin with as if my heart shouldn’t have been so trusting.

When I was 16 I was so smitten with a boy that I found out later we were playing the roles in ‘She’s All That’, except I didn’t know. When I was college, see aforementioned story. When I hit post collegiate lifestyle with grown up decisions I found out when the relationship consumes your whole lifestyle; who you talk to, what you eat for dinner, how you spend your summer vacation…having that all change in a blink of an eye leaves you with such a different perception of what you thought your life was going to be and how you will survive the wreckage.

I find myself searching, not for that perfect person that will make me feel safe again but searching for the me I used to be. I know she’ll never actually surface again because she no longer exists due to the wounds inflicted. I guess my only hope is that one day a better, stronger, more resilient version of her makes an appearance. I struggle with balancing the openness I see as weak and the openness I see as being therapeutic for my own good whether I like it or not. I was never the type of person that needed another person to feel whole, that was until I opened myself up to another and realized my version of whole was so meek compared to the possibilities of sharing that stature with someone else. My only mistake was taking that risk with someone that couldn’t carry their own weight when it came to living up to that stature and wasn’t willing to carry mine when I was broken.

I don’t break that often and I fully expected that when I did I’d have someone there, my only fear now is that that person doesn’t exist. I realize this is cynical and I'm fully aware of this. Honestly deep down...and right now I mean really deep down, I know they do and my surface level cynicism is simply that, surface level. Who are we kidding, I'm too much of a thinker to actually believe living the life of a cynical, bitter, jaded individual will get me anywhere I want to be in life. God gave me too much faith for that, my parents taught me to much about courage for that, and my heart has too much love for that...but for now cynicism may win over.

Stillness

One of my favorite moments of the day has been when I get home from work and I walk to the mailbox. The sun has either started to go down or has, and the neighborhood is silent. As I walk down the driveway it is in those moments that I breathe in life. For some strange reason this breathe has been the most calm of my day.


A Harvard University study says that even 10 minutes of silence can increase happiness in your life. I believe that my 20 second walk full of cold air, calm surroundings, and brisk invigoration does this for me.

Today I woke up to this:

I’m not one that gets excited at snow but I find that the stillness that a snowfall like this brings is soothing. The pure perfection of the contours can only encourage a belief in God. Ironically it is the exact same feeling I felt last Saturday when it was 70 degrees and I laid on a blanket, looked up and watched the leaves blow and the sun shine on my face. I thought “man, if you could just bottle up this feeling, there is no way anyone would ever feel sad again with a spritz of this”.

I’ve always genuinely had a pretty sunny disposition, despite my ability to examine my dark and twisty feelings with great detail. The more alone I feel the better I am at examining that side of me and afterwards I always seem to develop a newfound strength. Perhaps this is where the disposition stems from. The past few months I’ve been on a research frenzy of how to move on in life. Move on from what I’m not entirely sure because I’ve come to find out that no matter how you move in life there will be some wounds that take their own time to heal, there will always be decisions that cause you to stumble and may push you on a different road, and there will be people that come into your life and cause you to reexamine everything you ever knew about yourself.

I’m analytical by nature and I tend to look at myself as my own little research project probing my brain with different thesis’ and theories until one pans out. I’m a work in progress. I think we all are and because my brain is usually on overdrive, I welcome those moments of stillness. The ability to have those moments in times of heartbreak, struggle, loneliness, and fear is what makes a person survive. It’s what keeps life worth living.

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” Deepak Chopra

Ode to 2010

So 2010 is coming to a close. I usually make an entry about the year in full. Clever one liners that wrap up January, February, March, you get the picture. I'm going to go with:

Dear 2010:


You were one emotional year. You gave me a new office, a new job, knocked me back down to a single no plus one, a clean bill of health, one fantastic birthday shindig, a fun Halloween costume, and a REAL Christmas tree. I had a love/hate relationship with you. This may hurt your feelings, but you will not be missed.


Love, Me.

So with that being said I don't really want to spend any more time on low dips of the rollercoaster that was 2010. I'll give some shout outs to the highs however:

- I really do have the best family ever. They pack stuff up for me, they buy me hot chocolate, they spoil my pets, they understand the 'awesomeness'. I'm not spoiled people, I'm Loved. I don't recommend jealously, but I can see how you would be.

- I'm also blessed to have the most amazing best friend ever. 12 hours drives with one phone call. I did well when I picked my person 16+ years ago.

- Now I've already mentioned my family but I feel this scenario deserves its own section. The Chair v. Jeremy at Kilkenny's. This will go down in history as one of the top five funniest moments I've ever witnessed.

- My Rum Birthday Party, was this party made specifically for my birthday.....no, did I decide it was made FOR me. Yes. Yes I did. You know it's been a good night when you're allowed going to duct tape symbols on the window on the car ride home.

- Hair Fashion Show After Party. You have people dressed up as bugs, you have a pair of pretty sweet boots on and once again it's been a good night when I end up on the dance floor.

- I fell into a groove with some good girlfriends. They saved me this year.

- A real Christmas tree complete with childhood ornaments, lambic beer (oh yeah I discovered that this year too), and family conversation around the fireplace.

- Academic honors. Boo yah.

- Recent but still deserving a section, record player night. Stevie Nicks and dance moves on video has made my day every time I watch it over.

So there you have it. A few snapshots of 2010. There were probably many more and even writing this I can think of them but I have to stop somewhere. All I know is that my heart is in a good place and for that I am extremely blessed and thankful. Every day I feel more like me again which I wasn't sure when that was going to happen, with that being said this is the portion where I thank: My parents, my bubba, Jordan, Kristen, Gayle, Darlene, Andy, Justin S., Pandora radio, Mac and cheese, my Nook, the Boston Red Sox, movie theaters, heels, my treadmill, my iPod, and the Big Man upstairs.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
~ Joseph Campbell